7/15/10

so im trying to do better but inall reality im not im not at all im falling apart literally everything is slipping away againim losing control its taking over completely and iknow thats not a good thing cause i will die from it my ed will kill me and i have excepted that fact if i had to estimate it if i keep going the way i am im lukcy if i would make it to 30 fuck even 26 would b a miracle i already ahve heart and breathing issues so idk its just ugh

today was a hard day for me not hard presay idk how to explain i had a long talk with my coworker today i will try adn explain it the best i can but its hard for me to remeber it all in all honesty i was a mess i was anxius my chest hur ti was coughing like crazy coldunt get enough air in my longs andi was just so depressed and outof it her talk helped me alot and im glad that i have her as a friend and im glad that i dont scare her or nething she knows im bad she understands me to a point and if she has a question she is not afraid to ask it trust me she says i dont have to answer if i dont want to but i try to answer ne of her questions i have a hard time explaining things but i try neway just for her u know

well i cut what on sunday and i had bracelets on the hid my cuts and my bracelet slipped down and she saw the nw ones she knows i cut so it didnt shock her but shes like those are new dani dani no when why? i told her how i have been depressed for days and i did it on sunday swhes like u have to becareful ur gonna kill urself im like i dont do it to kill myself shes like but one wrong cut one wrong artery and u could shes like if u dont do it for that y


and i tried to explain to her the best i can that normally its after i eat to much i either turn to the razor or the toliet i turn more to the razor then i other but i dont it cause it makes everything stop all the voices all the pain im numb for those 2 minutes or so it calms me down i know i shouldnt turn to it and i know i should stop and ive treid but i cant its just my go to and she understand that she doesnt cut herself but she picks at her skin so she understands the need to do that i acutally showed her my arm close up told her to take a close look my arm is like a chekcer board u just cant c all the scars casue they faded or weren;t that deep shes like wow u do have alot i should her my hip and stomach and even my other arm(not as bad as the other) she found it werid that im reight handed but i use my left hand to cut my right arm i told her i tired the left i coudlnt do it my go to is alwasy my right arm i just like it better she gets it to a point im sure she will ask more questions

she asks if i cry alot im like i cry so,etimes but not all the time i want to but i cant and she guess what u do the cutting is easier then crying its the way u get ur emotions out

we went on to my ed then i dont remember that hole convo casue honestly it was so hard and i coudlnt sit stilli coudlnt think straight she really saw hoe much i sturggle with everything how im dieing insdie how i might act like im ok and happy on the outside but really im dieing on the inside. shes like i know u have freakouts and deprresion i c it in ur eyes soemtimes but u hid it so well i dont understand how u hid it how u hid it all from everyone they have no idea u act to happy im like im good at faking things i cant have ppl know that will mess everything ugh no1 can know they cant if ppl knew the real me how much i suffer how much fuck just everything it would scar them they would look at me differently

i showed her how i sat there today making a list of all the food im ok with eating or semi ok with eating and how i made them into caterogories im likeim carazy i know it and im losing it i cant do this nemore and i slid down tot he ground and just sat there. sehs like ur really losing it arent u its taking over again isnt it how do u deal with it. im like yeah its taking over again and i cant let it now yet it will kill me this time and i know it i wanna b marreid to the boy frist i cant let it kill me yet hes like u really think ur gonna die form it and im lik yes my ed is going to kill me and im going to die yuoung and ive accepted it shes like u really ahve havent u do u think u will starve urself to death or that ur body will fail? im liek my body is going to fail me i cant starve nemore my heart cant handle that i cant even fast nemore i told her about the werid heart rates the heart palpations they acutally haeart pain the coughing the hard breathing shes going to school to b a nurse. seh said im coughing all the time casue theres not enough room in my chest cavity for my lungs i cant get enough air into me thats y i have trouble breathing and the heart pains like i acutally get pain on the top of my heart sshes like when that happnes when ur heart hearts and ur breathing is hard u have to eat soemthing dont ignore that nemore u could have a heart attack i dont want u to have aheart attack she told me other stuff about my health but i dont even remember all of it i like knowing stuff like that but really i cant remember lot of it my memory is shot form just everything

we talked about alot of other things and she pointed out then when i get anxious i wont look ne1 in the face she saw me pinching my feet and arms and when i pulled away i had marks shes like ouch doesnt that hurt im like no i needed it im not at home i dont have my razor. and shes right about the anxious thing when im anxious or uncofmrtable i wont look neone in the face i dont wanna c their facial experrisons like with the boy when i talk bout my ed or soemthing and i know its gonna b hard i dont look at him i dont wanna c the hurt in hes eyes he always pulls my face to look at him butits so hard i know im killing him i know that im hurting him so bad i know that he hates to c me like this to c me in so much pain to c me killing myself slowly and i really would give nething to b happy to b healthy to get better and i would do it for him but recovery istn aobut him its about me and i dont love myself enough to recover i dont love myself enough to even attempt it

in all honestly i wanna get sick i wanna get so sick to the point were ppl have to care where they ahve to c i have a problem i wanna b laying in a hospital bed near death i want ppl to care about me i want the docs to notice i wan my parents to notice i want everyone to notice but at the same time i dont want ne1 to know not yet not tillli get to the deaths door sick my aprents dont care they ahve never cared if i ate or didnt eat or drank or cut or take pills they just ignore everything fuck my mom tellls me to learn willpower to stop eating yeah thats a great hting to say to me

my coworker even asked what they say about my cutting im like they dont say nething they c my scars my new cuts they dont say nething no1 does they just are like whatever danis a mess dani will always b a mess wahts the point in even caring neway they joke about it they amke fun of me the only person who i knows will care or does care is my uncle and my aunt i now they would my uncle is always there for me and he even said at the wedding last firday that" the food ur boy makes u eat will b way better then this" like u dont say make u eat unelss u think that the person has a problem but im not ready yet im not skinny enough im still so fucking fat and huge its fucking disgusting

idk im just going off all over the place here aint i but im just tyoing trying to get everything out

my coworker is trying to understand what made me like this and if i knew i would tell her but idk myself shes lie are u sure nutting happen to u as a child as a teenager im like as far as i know no yeah i was in an abusive relationship buti was srewed up b4 that she like it has to b something im like i know it does but idk what it is and im like the boy is brutally honest and that triggers it too i know that shes like how do u deal with it im like i just shut myself down i cant deal with emotions or feelins its part of the reason y i cut so much its my way of letting our my emotions casue i cant deal with them in the way that nomral ppl do

i dont think like normal ppl do my first thought to nething is can i starve can i buff ur first instict to nething shoudnt b that it just shoudlnt b ur mind shouldnt always b on food like that it just shoudlnt ppl normal ppl dont think liek that but i do my hole life revolves around my ed everythign revolves around it its my life form now until it kills me

she like if they ever admit u im like i can just check myserlf out im over 18 they cant keep me shes like they can hold u on a 72 hour psych hold ur arm is enough for them to do that cause we were tlaking about hostial about how i was nearly carreid there last year and how i will prob end up there eventually this year if i keep going the way im gong shes like the will force u to eat the will pump u with soemthing i dont remember what she said and that scares the shit out o fme but what am i suppose to do its not like i can get better form this

shes like arent u scared doesnt this scare u im likeim scared shitless when my heart gets all funny it scares me but it doesnt scare me enough to get better and it prob never will yesi m scared but what doen that matter im like yes i wan to b happy i wan to marry the boy i want to have kids with him i wanna hold on long enough to do that but ifi acutally can thats the questions cause i honeslty dk i dont even know if im healthy enough toeven carry a baby my body would prob kill me if i got pregnant as much as i would love to feel a baby growing in me and yesi would eat and b as healthy as i can b if i ever did get pregant but i dont think i will make it that long to even expereince that

i really am losing it u guys have no idea if u saw me today all broken and crumbled on the floor u prob woudlnt know what to do fuck idont know what to do nemore i cut again today yesi did am i proud of it now did it make me feel better yes

i openmed 2 of the cuts i did on sun on ei opened pretty good its even deeper then b4 as soona as i opened it i got blood on my bed yes lovley i know its pread pretty far aprt its not bleeding much nemore though i did like 9 new cuts on my side of my wrist not deep just neough to make everything stop i love going deep but i tried not to this time caseu idk how ima hide these cuts form the boy as it is he has to know sometihng is up hes seen my scars i dont cover them nemore i just think he isnt ready to have that convo right now fuck im not ready to have that to tell the perosn u love more then urself that u hurt urself that u cut ur skin open witha razor that u know u should sotp but ur planning on buying new razors neway

i dont even knwo what to say nemore i think i covered it all but who really fucking knkows i have a habit of forgetting things

i am thinkng about going back to school for what fuck if i know like i said quarter life crisis i need a change sometihng to challange myself i know im making all these plans like im actually gonna live to b 80 but wahtever its good to dream big sometimes

my coworker was trying to pick out new jobs fo rme and one acutally sounded like a great idea opening my own bookstore god i would love to run my own bookstore i love to read to get lost in the storeid to leave my fucked up world for away and escape to some1 elses

liek i said im jsut throwing ideas around
ok my stomach and side pain is really killin gme now i think its time to shut up and aly down and relax for a lil

i love ua ll and it u read all that and understand it i commend u ha cause i dont even know if i understand ti all