Monday, July 12, 2010

7/12/10

"Is anybody out there? It feels like I’m talkin to myself No one seems to know my struggle And everything I come from

Can anybody hear me? I guess I keep talkin to myself It feels like I’m going insane Am I the one whose crazy?.....

So why in the world do I feel so alone Nobody but me, I’m on my own Is there anyone out there

Who feels the way I feel If there is then let me in so I know that I’m not the only one...

You’re lying to yourself, you’re slowly dying, you’re denying

Your health is declining with your self esteem, you’re crying out for help
"


look guys i dont want u to worry or nething like that not that ne one really cares about me neway but im not doing well at all right now everything is just a fucked up crazy ass mess i cant do nething right at all. i try to eat very lil and then my heart starts freaking out and then i get the chest pains which force me to eat and then i keep eating cause i dont know how to eat normally i either eat to lil or way to much i dont know what in between in.

its just not fair hat there are ppl that are way way smaller then me and they can get thru their days just fine but here i am a 103-104 lb fat ass who cant get thru a day with out nearly falling over im so drained and out of it by the end of the day its usually hard to move and itjust sucks that i have to have all these bad symptoms the acid reflux the nasous the heart pain the chest pain the numbness in my face my hands going numb i cant sit cross legged witho ut my feet going numb im so weak most days im always dehryadted even thoughi have been drinking. y does my anorexia have to b so much worse then everyone elses right now o yeah duh i know y cause ive put my body thru hell the past 24 years ive never had a healthy relationship with food or with exercise ihave accepted the fact that my ed will kill me at somepoint im not gonna live to b 80 i know that but i would love to have my own kids some day i would love to marry my boy but i know i prob wont a) theres no way right now that my body could handle carrying a baby for 9 months its just too weak and b) the boy is in no hurry to get married

i just dont know what to do nemore im just all over the place i went tot he gym today and yesterday today i did an hour on the bike burn 380 cals yesterday i did 35 min on elly and 35 on tready i dont remember how many cals i burnt doing that

and then we have friday i did good during the day had 120 cals during day which made me extra tired and weak and my heart was really bothering me but i pushed thru it theni had my cousins wedding i just nibbles ate enough to keep ppl off my back i left early though to go c my boy causei missed him so fucking much. he took me out to dinner like he always does and idk what the fuck i was thinking but i ordered a nomral meal we went to friendlys i freaked out i didnt eat all of it i acutally ate the fries and jsut picked at the sandwhich then we got dessert he knows i cant say know to dessert got the cookie jar sundaue u shoudl of seen my stomach after got i had the worst food baby bump ever i really did look like i was pregnant it was prefectly round and i had a tighter shirt on so u could tell we get tot he car and i freak out i tell himi cant do this im to fulli can and he said he would b ok the hole time im pushing my sotmach im like it wont b ok its to big im to full i wanna puke i wanna b empty i want mytomach to go back in u know what hes response was jsut dont eat much tomm at all and go to the gym and workout

he wants me to eat and then he says that he doesnt realize that he acutally does make my ed worse at times one day he will realize that after im so bad to the point where he cant help me nemore

well all wkd i felt so damn sick and so full the hole time no matter what i didnt i coudlnt shake the full feeling my acid reflux has been driving me nuts all wkd as well ive been taking diruectics like crazy to try and get the scale to go back down which it is

but im so done with this i need to get skinny way skinny skinnyt o the point where he finally notices where everyone finally notices where im not just the werido who eats healthy i want to get tot he point where i finally get a diagnosis i want my family to realize im not ok i want the docs to pull there heads our of their asses adn realize that this isnt natural i do this to myself i know its bad to think like that but i want a diagnosis i want to b taken serioiusly for once

and i cut today i hid my razors from my self b4 vacation and i finally remembered were i put them so yes i have 4 cuts on my wrist 2 are pretty deep one of them is still bleeding i could prob use stitches but i refuse to go tot he hospital i dont have the money for that at all soi will just take care of them myself

i didnt wanna cut i was trying to stop i was strying to fade my other scars but yeah it just all got to much everything just got to much i just wanted a realize to feel pain to feel numb

so i just wanted to letu guys know idk if i will b around all the time i will try to get on once a day and update at least for u guys know thati m still alive but idk it dpends on how fucked up my head gets

im sorry guys im juts so sorry i just dont know nemore
o and those lyrics at the top are Eminem form hes new cd if u guys have heard it def take a listen its really good

1 comment:

  1. I understand how you feel.... It's hard...

    ReplyDelete