hey guys im sorry ihavent been around for a couple days been up and down and sideways and backwards lol my ehad has been everywhere its like im fighting amillion different parts of me and one never wins they just keep fighting back and forth pulling me all in 40 million fucking different ways
but neway i deicded that im not going to fight it nemore theres no need to fight it the more i fight it the sicker or worse i get so im just going to let it run its course if my ed gets worse then it gets worse if i recover then i recover if i start eating more but throw up then so be it, i cant fight allt he sides of me nemore and not fighting them is easier to just let everything go witht he flow day by day. fighting it takes to much out of me so yeah not fighting it nemore i think fighting it acutally makes me sicker if ijust let it go let it do what it wants if i listen tot he voices and the different sides mayb i will find some happiness somewhre i know this is crazy and i know u guys will think that im crazy that im not gonna fight my ed nemore that im just gonna let it run its course but i though alot about this and its the best thing for me and if u wanna judge me for it and call me stupid or say that im killing myself faster this way then go ahead causei dont care this is what i decided is best for me so ima just stick to it
i dont think i will ever b able to fully recover though because no matter what i will never like the way i look and i will always think that a few more lobs wont hurt that i could lose mroe weight and more weight and not to mention that im addicted to exercise so even if im eating more i will still b exercising alot so yeah
and idk mayb i will go c a therapist at some time when im ready when i can pay for it idk im csared of what the therapist might dig up from the back of my mind wha i have locked away and dont even remember u know that scares the shit out of me
im sick again i know no shocker there but it started yesterdayi just felt so weak andi could barely lift up my feet so i drug them around trhe hole 8 hours i worked and yes i was on my feet for a good 6 hour those hours i just dragged them and if ppl didnt like the noise then o well i didnt fucking care. i though thatmayb i just needed to eat a lil more at dinner have more cals and then i would b ok so dinner i made some brown rice glutton free noodles and 3 pieces of garlic bread i made me on white bread cause i didnt have wheat i ate the garlic bread and like half the noodles also had some ice cream and cookeis i worked out too after cause i felt so full i ran in my room for like 20 mins or so not all at one time just in like intervals then i also ran sprints inthe halfway up and down for 15 min straight. and i was feeling ok just hot but not great i layed down in my room and i felt so bad i felt so weak and tired and my heart was bugging the fuck out of me i ended up sleeping alot since the boy went out last time but evefrything i would wake up i would wake up gasping for air and sweatin i mean like dripping in sweat which is weird cause i had the ac on high and im always cold when i do that but yeahi was literally dirpping in sweat and my throat started hurting
then today i wake up once again dripping in sweat i get up take a shower and get ready for work i notice that i cant even take 2 steps with out gasping for air and t hats how it was all day i coudlnt talk ro walk far with out being out of breathe its like i coudlnt breathe like i coudlnt get enough air in me no matter what and its still like t hat. my ribs hurt so bad and if i bend over my left side hurts. my chest is also killing me its ok cuase im laying down right now but when i was at wrok and when itook a lil walk to the conrner store it was on fire. my ehart is bothering me it keeps beating funny and then it hurts like acutally hurts like pain i know that might soudns weird but to me it auctally hurts. idk y im like this idk how i got so sick or y im so sick idk y my breathing is so hard my clients at work noticed i was having trouble breathing they said i shoiuld so tot he hospotal but im not not yet at least im laying down im resting yeah its all still bothering me but im ok i can handle this.
after work i stopped at the lil conveint store to get a drink and some lunch and then i went home wheni got home i walked a block tot he lil corner store to get a snack for later yeah that walk took alot out of me. now im just layign here realxiong reading and wathcing tv gonna job search some more later
*bottle of water
*handful of grapes-?
at work 9-140pm
*half a large dunkin donuts iced tea unsweetned-5
*2 bottles of water-0
*blueberry iced coffe-100
*small french veggie soup-guessing around 100-150 cals
at work i spetn the time cleaning very slowly sundays we clean the hole store but i had to take my time doing it since i could barely walk but i managed to vaccum and mop the lockerrooms and classroom, cleaned all 4 bathrooms, vaccumed the dive side and then vaccum and mop the tan side.
during th elil walk to the store i got a box of dots(chewy fruity candy things) and a bag of york peppermint pieces imight just snack on those later or imight make myserlf a small helahty dinner it depends on how im feeling.
so im auctally thinking about going back to school online of course i dont think i can handle going to a big college or univerity. i already have my associates degree in applied scince accounting managemtn. iknow the smart thing to do would b to get my bacholars degree in that but really i dont lik eit i didnt like it fromt eh beignning but my community college didnt offer much at that time so i went with it. so im thinking about doing something differnt im was looking on the univeristy of phoenix webiste last nite they have alot of programs and degrees that u can do online and i have a few that interest me they are:
*Bachelor of Science in Psychology
*Bachelor of Science in Health Administration with a concentration in Health Information Systems
*Bachelor of Science in Health Administration with a concentration in Health Management
*Bachelor of Science in Business with a Concentration in Human Resource Management
idk i think thats all theones i was looking at idk their could bm ore i want something interesting and someting challenging at the same time im leaning more towards psychology it just seems fun and interesting
i know i can find a job a fulll time entry level job eventaully and i can work my way up while getting a degree in sometihng else even i fi dont use the degree u know
ive also been kinda throwing around opening my own businesss like a bookstore i love books and i love reading
as u can tell im all over the place i dont relaly know what i wanna do yet im just u know letting my mind wonder and seeing where it takes me