7/13/10

im doing a lil better i guess still depressed but today was better then yesterday at least. yesterday was just horrible insanely horrible i was depressed all day and just freaking out and i was hufe like higely fat yesterday my sotmach as been sticking out since friday and it wont go down its not even concaved when i lay down it sucks

i think the only way i got thru my day yesterday was from my one friend shes an ana buddy but we talk everyday all day everyday for god a lil over a year now she really is like my tiwn but few years younger we are so much alike its crazy we dont just talk about our ed's we talk about everything and she really does help alot. i kept freaking out and she would just talk to me and try to calm b down it was nice i felt so bad for being so dperresed and freaking out so much but of coruse she said it was fine that this is what he is here for that she would do nething for me. wish i had a friend like that were we dont even live close enough to visit each other but we do talk thru txt everyday so thats good for me cause she rly does help and we do help each other so much

yesterday idki waqs just all over the place emotionlay one minutes id b happy then next id b on the verge of crying the next id wanna cut and then id be angry and moody u can c i hit every emotion possivle yesterday and i ate way to much ugh way to many cookies i gotta stop eating cookies ima cut those out well try to at least i use to b so good at cutting things out like with just the snap of my fingers and i wouldnt watn themnemore i gotta get that back

and to make matters worse my dad has been eating my lettuce ugh asshole c i have alil mini fridge in my room think dorm room frigse no freezer and i keep all my food up there but i have so much fruit and yougrt that i didnt have enough room for my salad stuff so my mom said i could keep it downstairs and there fridge i go to the store once every 2 weeks to restock so i had 2 bags of lettuce which would last me that long yeah i went to reach for the one bag i had opended the other day and it was gone o mom was like dad ate ur lettuce thats on right like wtf no its not ok but really what am i gonna say to that now so i barely have enough lettuce to make it thru till next week so im been reworking my plan and eating schedules u know i will get thru it i just hate that my fater did that i had to eat a sandwhich last nice cause i coudlnt have my salad yeah it wasnt real lunch meat it was vegan lunchmeat but still which lead me to eat way to many trisctuis which lead to antoher horrible freakout were i reopened one of my cuts not bad it barely bleed but it made me feel a lil better theni did a shitload of crunches to try and make me feel better i was so drained by like 9pm i layed down to listen to the eminiem cd and most of feel asleep i woke up an hour later of coruse cause really i cant lseep long even if i wanted to

the good think about yesterday was that i did make it tot he gym yay i did:
*25 min tready-139 cals burned
*35 min elly-263 cals burned

so i sat down the other day and took 2 personaltiy test yeah im weird like that i like knowing how screwed up they think i am or that i know tha ti am cause i am a paranoid freak but neway here are the resluts:

Disorder | Rating

Paranoid: Very High

Schizoid: High

Schizotypal: High

Antisocial: High

Borderline: Very High

Histrionic: Low

Narcissistic: Low

Avoidant: Very High

Dependent: Very High

Obsessive-Compulsive: High



Personality Disorder Test Results

Paranoid |||||||||||||||||||| 86%

Schizoid |||||||||||||||||||| 86%

Schizotypal |||||||||||||||| 70%

Antisocial |||||||||||| 42%

Borderline |||||||||||||||||| 78%

Histrionic |||||||||||||||| 62%

Narcissistic |||||| 22%

Avoidant |||||||||||||||| 70%

Dependent |||||||||||||||| 62%

Obsessive-Compulsive |||||||||||||||||||| 82%


today was a long day at wokr 7 hours wer i had to stand the hole time cause the ass known as my boss decided to take my cahit yeah he has hes own comfy chairs but app he takes the one that we keep behind the desk on the tanning side away for we cant sit nemore like who fucking does that u have no idea how tired i was after my shift it was crazy. i nomrally dont sit much at work neway but thats not the point the only time i sit is to have my lunch and to read a lil towards the end of the day and every so often i sit for a minute or 2 just to relax but i coudlnt do that today i coudlnt even sit to eat my lunch and i refuse to stand and eat that just seems to ackeard to me u know ugh so i went in the lil back room where we keep the fridge microwave and washer dryer we have a counter pakc there too with an extra computer so i sat on the counter for i could eat it was ackward my feet keep falling asleep yes they do that alot so it sucks ugh but neway i managed to make it thru my day and i even tanned after. i wanna look pale and sick but i was jjust so cold that i went in a tanning bed for 15 minutes thaat didnt even really warm me up i was still cold but the the lights felt good vitamin does help depression so i felt a lil better after

i still gotta keep trying to find a new job i should look a lil more tonite im having a hard time trying to find one its gonna take mea hlw but i will find one i have to i cant stay at my job i just cant its tomuch to much stress to much everything ugh

tonite im planning on doing crunches watching pretty lil liars and make it or break it and always counting my changei have no money so i need to count my change jar and cash it in for i can have osme money im walking around with a dollar which will b used tomm when itake the toll to go tot he gym

also wanna read more too i read so much its crazy rather its a book or fanfiction i usually read books at work or at the gym if im doing the bike and when im hom ei read fanfiction im addicted to that site

i just finsined"unwell" leslie lipton
and now im currently reading "before i fall" lauren oliver


food log:
breakfast
*2 small apples with cinnamon-120 cals

lunch
*half a cucumber-20 cals
*handful lettuce-10 cals
*yougrt-45 cals

dinner
*2 small apples with cinnaomin-120 cals
*green beans-90cals

snack(later)
*ice cream-100ish cals
*or pudding cup-60 cals

cant decided what one yet im leaning more towards ice cream thouhg even though its gonna hurt my chest so bad

drinks
*cup of hot tea-0 cals
*litter bottle of water-0cals
*sobe life water-0 cals
*2 nomral bottles of water-0 cals

exercise
*7,401 steps taken- 181 cals burned

i should prob start counting change or something