3/31/11

sorry its been a few days sincei have updated i meant too i relaly did its just when i get home form work im juts exhausted and then ih ave some dinner and ihave to deal with my stomach pain and i usually end up passing out fromt he pain and then waking up sometime in the middle of the nite

so neway thanks u guys for listeing to my ramblings in my last post i get lost in my head and then i try to make sense of it in words and thats what u get my head is still all a mess but im done beatin gmyself up abou tthat purge everyone was right its not that big of deal it was justone lil slip and since purging isnt my go to i know it will b osme time until i get the urge again well i get th urge all the time but i usually deny unelss its to bad

my go to is always ana and restricitng an dmy laxs and my pills and my over exercise now i really dont take laxs nemore since i fucke dup my bowels there and now have ibs and i cant really tak emy diurtecis or acai pills cause they interact with my cholestrol meds but im still my same over exercing self

ok well neway not much has really been going on with me just the same old my stupid IBS has really been acting up and it drives me nuts cause its just so painful but im dealing with it cause really thats all i can do

i did laundry today i was do for it and i finally hungup my clothes so now my closest is nice and neat

ive been up since 430am yup and the say b4 i was up at 2am the good thing about taht was i got to the gym at 7am and it wasnt that busy i never go at that time i usually go around 10ish and its busy then but its not busy around lunch time but im trying to b good and not workout thru lunch cuasing me to skip lunch buti think 7am is a good time i finally added tanning to my membership as well and i tanned the past 2 days i cant wait til i have some color again i burned 466 cals on elly today and yestrday i burnt 443 on elly as well i did 65 mins both times im addicted to elly

well im off i gotta finsih laundry and fix my hair boy just said he was gonna come over tonite and i gotta redo my nails o an di bought blackswan the other day i sitll have to watch it i cant wait to c it

o and one more thing well acutally a question um somtimes when i eat wellmost the time when i eat potatoes it gets like really hard to swallow like my throat is swollen and it doesnt want to let the food down does that happen to ne1 else?

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mrsdonae- im so use to being sick its not a new ting to me i have a horrible immune system so i always have some kind of cold

danea-thanx hun and im ok now it was just a bad moment when i wrote that

monika-yeah i understand taht they prob are a lil messed up in the head to beging with thats y they want an ed soemtihng to confirm that osmetihng is wrong

a-thanx hunny u are the best

mich-yeah taht was afluke that it came out that well i didnt think it would

dyingtobepretty-thanx hun im ok im trying to fight the voices its just hard at time u know how it is to fight against sometihng that u havent been fighitng ur hole life the only thing that u know

anoyomous-thanx hun its just hard to even get started and then u have a set bak and it derails everyting

3/28/11

so i pretty much jsut said fuck recovery today as i was leaning over the toilet purging yup i just threw away months of being pruge free in 10 minutes ihavent pruges since halloween thanksgiving at the latest but yeah all that is gone now. i wasnt planning on going back down that road but fuck it happens when im left alone my parents coudl give a fuck that im thrwoing up they jsut think its all my stomach issues acting up so they dotn question it but i try to not do it much neway but when im alone its really hard to resist so my mom left today andmy dad adn bro are at baseball practice or soemtihng ans as sonn as she is gone i walk downstaris heat up mini sausge biscuits( and mremmber guys i cant have bread nor do i eat red meat) and had a slice of boston cream pie and then i purged them both up i dont tihnk i got it all up but once the food starts gettign stuck in my throat i stop cuase that means my throats is closing up and the blood will come soon so after 3 times of it getting stuck i stopped sorry if that is to much information for ya but i need to get this out nowi know i got at least half of it up i hope more.

but i really hate myself right now i hate msyelf for going down that road again a road i said i would never gone down again cause last time i did i was purging blood and ahd constnat sore throat but yeah not do i ever lsiten to myself or the fact that my body is a mess nop ei dont i listen tot he fucking voices that are driving me crazy 24/7 like fuck already jsut leave me alone already

like i knoew today wasnt gonna be good cause the voices started early they wanted to to wait til lunch time to go to the gymt oskip lunch and work out thru it but ididnt listen to it im trying to b pettery and i went around 10ish and did my workout and theni was home for lunch but something just sanpped in me while iwas laying here earlier with a somtach ache of course and it was like fuck i really cant do this nemoremy somtahc is just growing and growing like idk hwo i am gaining so much weight so fucking quickly i knowi am eatin more but i didnt thinki was eating thatmuch to make me gian so much so quickly and then i was thinkng that mayb it was my choelstrol meds that were amking me gain

i looked up the side effects and weight gain isnt one of them msucle pain is but im not in nemore pain then i nomrally am and the normal pain is painful enough not many ppl can deal witht eh apin i deal with on a daily basis but neway i kept reading and i foudn this place with testimonies from ppl that are on the same meds as me and all of them gained weight as well and they didnt lose it til they wre off the meds and now i cant stop taking them my choelstrol was 258 its suppose to b under 200 so i need to b on them but i will prove them all wrong and i will lsoe the weight while being on themi j ust gotta get all my thoughts togehter and get my head to just shut up for 2 fucking damn seconds and just let me think

yes i know im a basket case right nowi cant help it ok ihate msyelf for purging i hate mysself for getting fat i hate myself for losing contorl i hate mysrlf for tyring to recoveri hate that ihave this disease in the first place i hate thats its racking havic on my body and my immune system ijust hate everything about it but u cant figh tthis mother fucker on ur own and since i cant get help cause america helps i will just have to embrace it andjust let it be and hope it doesnt kill me b4 i can get help

the boy thinks imnuts i asked him if he can tell i gained weight and hes honest hes always honest he ssaid he couldnt tell but my somtach needs work which yes i know it does now dont go yelling at him ornething he konws abou tmy ed he knows that i abasket case and my anxiety an dmy maniac moments and heknew i was fucking losing my mind the other nite when i asked and he said that its just casue i haven tbeen tot he teh gym in awhile cause of me bieng sick and that once i get back everyting will b ok well i went the past 2 days and its not ok
heres my workouts the last 2 days

today
65mins level 5 elly-446 cals burned
35mins level 5 steppy- 174 cals burned

yesterday
65mins level 5 elly-442 cals burned
35mins level 5 bike-191 cals bunred

so i worked out the past 2 day and its not making nehting better at al lmy mind is sitll as much as a nut case as it always is but ima fix it or listen to it or idk wtf im doing nemore so it really doesnt matter does it ugh fuck now im really rambling

but neway im sick again no shocker tere right guys ha i really fucked up my immune syster so yeah i got a sore throat(had it pre purge had it since yesterday) a stuffy nose that is more stuffy then it normally is, runny nose, cough, my head is poudning i hate fucking head colds.

good news is my side pain went away well not completely but its not as bad my uncle wants me to get another test but im not gonna i need a doc break if i acuts up again i will call then my heart has been huritng alot htough lately an dmy tummy as well but the doc said that if the ulstrasound came back clear which it did i just have IBS yeah just i reasearched it and its not fun at all there are meds for it but i doubt my doc will give me ne since hes not planning on seeing me til june when i getmy cholestrol checked again. so yeah im either running to the bathroom to shit my brains out or im so constipated for days that it hurts im nasoues alot and the pain the pain in my sotmach just gets so bad at times and there is no like specific diet for it i loooked it up it just said to avoid foods tha tmake me sick yeah ok thats gonna b easy. and add on top of that that im lactose intolerant so really i shoudl use this to my advantage cause there really isnt much i can eat to beiging with no dairy no gluten(wrekcs havic of my bowels sorry tmi) nuts smeem to bother me as well i cant have bread, crackers, nething fried, rye, barley, nehting with ne kind of dairy, pears, pinapples, strawberries um the list could go on for ever.

but thats what i get the fucekd up mthe immune system from eyars of starving the messed up bowels for my laxs abuse my body just beinga wreck cause it never got the proper nutrition.

u wanna know what makes me made is all the wannabes out there the ones that want the tips and the tricks they wanna catch an ed cause they think it will make themahppy andthin news flash u guys have no fucking clue how it is to live with this not a clue at all i woudnlt wish this on my worst enemy and thats saying something idk y some1 woudl wanna catch this its not a fun thing to have mental issues arent. being so sickall the time cause ur body is just to weak to fight isnt hun having all this hell issues and having hthe docs not know what is wrong casue accodring to the test u are fine but ur body is failing from years of starving but its not shwoing up on the test. being bent over the toilet throwing up the food u just ate and coudnt amange to keep down cause u felt to guilty to having to hide teh red and cut up knuckes the broken bood vessels to having the hide the cauts from ur slef harm cause its teh only thing thatmakes everything stop and keeps u calm to be so manaic at times that u cant just sti still at all that u have to keep moivng ur constantlygoing the thoguhts and the voices the need to do more and more the constant fear that ur gonna go to sleep and jsut never wake up and that keeps u up at nite it makes u so tired the naxiety that comes with leaving the house everyday when all u wanna do is hide in ur room all day but u cant cause u have to go to work and act like nuttin is wrong acut liek ur happy person and u dont have a care in the wrold even though ur dying inside i coiudl keep going but im about to go fuckign crazy an dineed to workout mystomach is huge an dineed to curnch is all away so ima stop babbling an dijust hope if ne ppl hoping to cathc aned read this and u change ur mind its not as glamourous as ppl think it is

to all my girlies in this community who know exaclty wahtim going thru i love u guys i love ua ll so much and we can get thru this and we will b there for each other thru the ups and downs the highs and lows thru everything lvoe u all

3/26/11

so i got a letter from my docotrs office it wa smy results of my ultrasound and u know what it said all it said was it came back normal thats all idk how it came back normal with all the pain i have been in lately but it came in normal

i calle dmy uncle cause he wanted to know the results when i got it and he says fromt eh pain im having and weres its located he really thinks its my gallbaldder so he wants me to call my doc on monday and tell him t hat im still in pain an dthat i want this certain test done and if he wants to c me my uncle wants to come with me for he can yell at him and mak ehim listen since he doesnt listen to me at all.

i went tot he gym today i just walked ont he treadmill for 65 mins i did one of those random hill workouts just on level 10 at a speed on 2.7 mph i burned 234 calories doing that i wanted to do elly but i coudlnt find my knee brace so i coudlnt doi t if i workout more then jsut wakling i need my brace or i risk popping my knee bakc out

i was gonna tan too well add tanning to my membership but the ppl at the desk were busy and the weridos werent there not the normal ones im use to so i didnt but i really need to tan i haven tanned since september when i stopped working at the tannign salon its so werid me being this pale caus ei tanned regularly for 4years while i was there i kept a nice golden color not to dark just perfect and now im just ew and pale and the boy doesnt like me this pale so i either gotta add tanning at the gym which idont trust much cause who knows when they change their bulbs or find a new tanning salon whichi dont have the extra money for but to add it on at the gym is only 5 extra dollars so i can afford that.

after my workout iwent to kohls i had a 20 percent off coupon and i was determeined to conquer my fear of skinny jeans and i did i bought 3 pairs and they were on sale for only $14 so i got a good deal on them im still a size 0 thankfully i just cant gain much mroe or i will go up a size and i refuse i have never been a size 1 and irefuse to b one now so yeah not gonna happen not at all. i also got osme shirts as well i just got 5 basic tees for 6 bucks each im really am a bargain shopper now i have to b i saw this really cute shirt but i didnt get it casue it was over 20 bucks ugh sucks o also got 2 long sleeve shirts ont he clearance rack all my sihrts are a size small now ugh no more xs which really sucks.

i kinda just wanna lose the weight i gained and then start trying to be healthy again cause i gained the weight way to quicky i went from 103 to nearly 108 is a matter of weeks an dijsut cant stand it as of today im 107.6 ew i hate that number so muchi just wanna b int he 90's so bad again

well yestrday date nite went good we went to red robin an di gto a turkey burger on whole grain roll and ate half of it and i ate my fries that came with it and also had 3 onion rings so dinner was good i ate way to much b4 that though lets c b4 dinner i ate: 3 pieced dried fruit, half an apple, dry apple jacks, cranberry trail mix, fritos, cup and half tomato salsa soup, handful peanut m&ms and some nomrla trail mix

my somtach did dont like me so much this morning cause of that i live off of pepto bismal and tums i know its prob not good to take all that but i have to or im like on the toilet all day and u cant live ur life from there so

and yeah so far today i have eaten: some normal trail mix, 4 small gluten free dairy free pancakes, cold pees(bout a cup), dry apple jacks

yes im fat and so huge and i hate myself i really do my stomach sticks out so much like im really trying this recovery thing but fuck ididnt think the weight gain would b this quick i cant deal with it make it all stop make it all go away please

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dying to be pretty- thanx hun yes i miss them somuch u have no iea my head as been goign crazy for days on end and it just wont shut up

annoyomous-he says he cant do enthing abou tthe dizziness casue nuttin is wrong with me

zette-thanx hun i got them both at old navy

lou-thanx i always have fun with the boy

ana- old navy

happiness-aw thanx friend

danae-thank u so much sweetheart

outfit

just wanted to show u guys my outfit real quick b4 i go out i will do a real update tomm since this is just a quicky but neway heres the outfit ignore my fatness ive gained recovery is a bitch and im really hating it




close up of my shirt

3/24/11

ok realization time again yes i know it happens alot lately but my head just never shuts the fuck up do u guys ever just sit there and think about how u ate when u were younger or in my case in middle and high school i dont really remeber much b4 that but yeah

so i was sititing here the other day and thinking abut that how i ate in middle and high school. and i realized that i wast revertng to some of my eatinghabits taht i had back then now granted guys i was barely100 lbs in high school middle school i staye din the 90 lb range always got i miss the 90 lb range

but yeah neway i was thinking and i realzied that im gon back to those habits some of them are werid like when i would just eat peas yup just peas and they would b cold cause i hate them warm

anotherthing i would do would i would makemyself like lunchor dinner and it wouldnt b like a meal or nething it would just b a backed potato no skin chopped up with some veggies on top and that was it and thats all i would eat for like days on end

and thenmy werid ceral habits were i mix all differnt kinds o fcereal ina bowl and eat it like that back then i use milk but cant have daiy nemore so now i use almond milk

i guess its not a bad thing that im reverting back to them cause mayb i can get back int eh 90 lb range but its just werid that it just came up all of a sudden and its all i want baked potota no skin with veggies

is that werid to u guys like my weird eating habits i know its not nomrla for me to eat the way i do but its like bam i have been doing this for so long and i so thru so many phases that no1 even questions then nemore

my phases bounce around like crazy no one can ever keep up like one time i will b eating only cereal for days on end, and then we will bounce to just frozen vegan and vegetarin things, and then we will go to jut my potatoes and veggie phase or just veggies or just fruit and hten we will cupt out all chips and junk and not even think back like i kno wit smy ed making me do all thise but do u guys ever do crazy stuff like that or am i the only nut case out there.

so yesterday i had to work boring bring day yup cause of th eweather the mall was even slower then it nomrallly was and i had an 8 hour shift that day the only good thing about an 8 hour shift is that i get an hour break an di can lay on the couch in the back room and just read my book and no1 will bug me or nehting its nice. but th eday was boring an di had to spend most of my time on register cuase that were they stuck me i did spend my last hour of my shift hidng in the fitting room yup hidin gthe one girl that was scheduled in there that hour is relaly nice she was seasonla too and they kept her and me so we have that in common but ijust hid in there the last hour and talked to her and did absoulty nuttin

the sucky thing was that we had my lil cousins today my munchins and i coudlnt even c them caus ei had to work it made me so sad and we dont hav ethem nem ore this week so have to wait til next week to c them i do have a cute pick of my lil man trying to crawl while hes smiling at least ma took the pic and sent it to me so yay for that

i ate way to much yesterdayi was doing ok all day and then i got home and had lil a mini binge and i hated myself for that so yesterday i ate
* 3 choc chip gluten an ddairy free pancakes
* 2 small apples cut up
* soy yogurt mango flavor
* salad(lettuce, 5 cherry tomaots, 2 kosher dill pickles, bread and butter pickles, vegan cheese, italain dressing
* dry fruit loops
* like 5 slices of pepperdige farm light bread(ugh for that ass)

i was doing good yesterday i went a hole day with out ne of my diuretcis or acai pills or diet pills yay me so i went all of tuesday with out them and then i went almost all of wednesday it took some after my dinner binge so that was 3 diurtsics and an acai pill so far i havent taken ne today but who knows i prob will taek soem cause i feel the need for them

so today i had off of work and yup it snowed again go figure there ugh we are stuck in this lil ull and guys its the end of march it didnt snow much just like a coating but then u add in the coldness and t rain and freezing rain and sleet gotta love the notheast but neway back tot oday

i had to do some errands and stuff ugh no grocery store ha im putting that off till next week hoping they will have better fruit sales next week then they did this week but neway i went to target i needed a few things so i got

* fritos(ive been addcited to them lately y idk)
* 4 cans of peas(i eat them cold yes)
* 3 bottles of vitamin water
* face wash and astrigent
* makeup(eyeliner, mascara, and eyeshadow)
* 3 nail polishes and a top coat
* clearance black long sleeve shirt
* make it or break it season 1 volume 2

they didnt have the first volume so after that i went ot best buy and then didnt have it either so i went ot walmart and they didnt have it at walmart i ended up getting a bag of dum dums and the new selean gomez album( guilty pleasure what can i say)

so i guess iw ill just watch the second volume until i can find the first one

i got dizzy and shaky while i was out shopping i dont know y i ate this mroning and i drank like a liter of water and tea b4 hand so ishoudlnt of got dizzy but it was so bad tha i had to open my firtos and have some while sitting in my car fo rit to pass for i coudl go home.

ok so food log so far
*few grapes
*small banana
*dry apple jakes
*way to many fritos
*2 liters of water
*decaf mint green tea hot

and im gonna make some baked potatos no skin and some cold peas shortly and hope i dont eat nething later if ido it will prob jsut ve soem fruit or soup

yes i know im fat and gross and huge and i fucking eat way way to much ugh
i started reading a new book a new one by kim harrison fav author what can i say idk if i will read more of it today or justu watch tv and movies and attempt to do some crunches

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anonoymous- it wasnt to bad its just hard when ur head is screaming at u cause someone is looking at ur fat sto,ach ew ugh i haven theard the resluts yet

violet- hey hun u dont ahve tow orry about me im ok i am drinking alot more water though at least

zette- sorry didnt mean to make u want those things

danae-thanx hun as soon as i find out i will def let all of u guys know

anna-good luck on urs hun let meknow how it turns out

mrs donoe-thanx hun

mich-yeani ented to eat to much cereal its just so addciting but i cant eat thehole box its way to much for me i hope they figure it out too cause the pain is bad and when im at work its not like i can bend over gasping in pain i gotta keep it in and let me tell u that is hard

3/22/11

so i just got back from my ultrasound and i figured i would give u guys an update on it i wont get the resutls yet my doc wont get the results for 24-48 hours the lady said that my doc shoudl have it by thrusday so i guess i will hear from him after that.

she did my pelvic region first for i could pee and stop being uncomfortable if they do ur pelvis u had to drink water an hour b4 and not pee an di really had to pee by that point so she was nice and said she wont do that first for i could pee an dthen we would do my abdomen. its really uncomfrotable when u have to pee and they are pressing on it but seh was really nice she did spend a good amount of time down there she never said nething though but there was alot of buttons clicking

she did my abdomen next after she let me pee ihad to lay flat on my back at first and she did the middle like right between my ribs had me breathe in and hold it then breathe out i had to do that a few times

after seh was done with that i had to lay on my left side for she coudl check my right she spent alot of time there and it hurt when she was doing it she did over my ribs under my ribs and a few other spots i had to breathe in and hold it again an di had to do that alot my uncle said it wasnt going to hurt but it did hurt alil so i guess tahts not a good thing at all

she checked my left side as well but she didntnearly spend as much time on that side as she did the other

i guess i was in there for about 30 minutes or so so now its just a waiting game to c what is wrogn or if nething is wrong but she was very nice it was just werid laying there with my shirt up i know my ribs stick out so i hope she wasnt like thinking nething she didnt say nehting but its werid just laying there with some1 looking at u the good thing was the gel was warm so yay for that cause i was laready cold as it was but that was warm and it was warm in the room as well.

i have off of work today so ima just relax mom wont let me go to the gym til we ge tmy stomach an dpain issues figured out.

it snowed alil yesterday its all washed away now cause of the rain but we are suppose to get mroe snow tonite yes its the end of march and the northeast well me new jersey is getting snow they dont knwo how much we are gonna get yet cuase they dont know if its gonna b all snow or snow and ice or a different mix they have no idea what so ever moms like if its bad u might not b able to go to work imsuppsoe to work 11-7 tomm so we will just wait and c

i had a few of my dizzy spells yesterday i haven thad one of those in a few days i thoguh i was doing better but i had 2 of them yesterday and they were bad like i really thoguhi was gonna pass out adn i got really shaky and my heart went nuts but i layed down and at alil something and drank something and it helped a lil

i got a few crucnhes in but not much cause i felt so bad and i alwasy got extremley nasoues like i was layign there willin gmyself not to throw up

i did do some laudnry yesterday and i acutally folded it the same day i did it thats a record for me
and i finishe dmy book the latest book in the rachel morgan series by kim harrison it was amazing of couse :)

so b4 when iw as semi recoverd i use to make a huge bowl of cereal i would mix all different kinds togeter and eat it that way now yesterday i decided to do that htinking i was gonna workout after but mom wouldnt let me go but my combo was frosted flakes, corn pops, golden crisps, apple jacks, and fruit loops. it made me feel so sick after the acid was comign up so mcuh it tasted good but i freake dout after. my lunch yesterday was a few fristos and a few pretzels that made me eel gross as well snack was 6 grapes then dinner was 5 chicken nuggets 2 spoonfuls of corn and 1 lil spoon of fried pototes

so far today i drank about aliter of water and im having a few fritos now. i got about a 15 hour fast insince i coudnt eat b4 my ultrasound so i didnt eat from 7pm last nite to 10am today.

i think i might make up my gluten free dariy free choc chip pancakes ive had the box just hastn mixed it up yet mayb i will try that today idk yet

but love u guys how u are all doing well

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happiness is on the outside-thanx hun that would b great i cant do treatment i refuse to check my self in to the hospital and the closest outpatient treatment center is 45 minuts away and its an 8am-5pm program m-f an di have to work so i cant do that but if u find somethin gout let me know lov eu freind hope ur well

mrs donea- o u are are ppl not willing to help u either it sucks

mich-i fucking hate insurance u think they would cover things like that since alot of ppl do suffer form mental issues

needlesedge-i agree with u there it is as improtant as physcial health im glad tha tu have good insurance though

mandagin-yeah thats wha ti was thinking off finding some books even workbooks or osemthing something that will help me at least ease into it i cant get completely better not yet but im willing to try lil steps

skinny_el-m the world i such a fucekd up place i hate it like y can thtey just help neone who wants the help

becky- its hard to talk to my doc but idk i just had an ultrasoun donw so mayb that will show something and it will open up hes mind i cant do outpaitent the closest is 45 mins away and i have to work adn the program was 8-5pm mon-fri yes i did look into it righ tnow ima just idk try on my own i guess and c ho w it goes

whats the point nemore.....

so srsly guys what is thepoint nemore what is the point in trying to fight this when i cant get the help i need neway. i cant affrod therapy cause insurancemay or may not reimburst me idk yet i have to call but if my dad says is right then i cant afford it he saida while ago that out o fnetwork places is 80/20. which means i pay 80 percent and insurance only pays 20 percent.

so math time here if one session is $120 then i pay 80 percent which is $96 then insurance would only pay $24 of it so out of the $120 i pay upfront to the therapsit i would only get $24 back

so if i go once a week for a month thats $480 up front and out of that i woudl get back $96 how is that even fair. there is noway in hell i can afford that i dont have an extra $386 laying around every month i barely have ne extra money left after my car, my car insurance and my 4 credit card payments and then my grocery shopping and personal items and the lil money i have left i save it for when me and teh boy go out

so what is up with american and the health insurance world out there im reaching out for help i want help for a disease that is killing me that has kille dmany many ppl and they just dont care and they dotn cover it in full so whats thepoint in even tryingenmore wheni know that i cant get the help i need when i want it

i was finally storng enoughto reachout for help to admit that i have a problem to admit that ijust cant do it on my own nemore to just get shot down like that like its nuttin

so it looks like imnot getting help so ima stop fighting it ima just let it go i cant keep fighitng it knwoing that no1 cares enough to help me neway

outfit

heres the outfit im a li skeptical of it but i think its cut eijust think i dont look good in it bu there it is the outfit for date nite




i did make it the gym today got extermely dizzy after and ended up eating alil that i didnt want to eat but it was either eat or passout so i ate but at the gym i did
65mins elly level 5- 290 cals burned
35mins bike lever 5- 182 cals burned

im sorry i totally forgot to put the rules for the award up my bad but neway
u thank the person or persons who gaveu the award
then u give 7 facts about urself
then give it to 10 other ppl and leave them a msg on there blog saying u gave them an award

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used for glue- i put the rules up then but yes u give 7 facts about urself and then hand it off to 10 other ppl

unbeaitufil- me and cereal go way back

mrs donae-thank u hunny

mich-yeah i gotta have a full bladder as well 24 ounces of water an hour b4 my appt and no going to bathroom til after lovely

thin_envy-i am nervous but yeah nuttin i can do about it right now except deal and b patient so thats the plan its ok that u dont comment u dont have too i know imnot that interesting i just babble on about stuff it clears my head

3/18/11

so i just got off the phone wit the ultrasound appt set up person she was very nice i knwo i should of called tehi nsurance company while i had the card about therapy but i waqs just to scared at the time i will do it eventaully though i promise

well i go tuesday at 915am for it. they do it in the morning caus ei have to fast for 8 hours b4 handnot a problem there but since they are doing my abdomen and pelvis she said that i had to drink 24 ounces of water and hour b4 i come in and i cant go to the bathroom until after the appt so well thats gonna b tons of fun she asked if i was pregnant or ne chance i said no cause idid just have my period what liek 2 weeks agi yeah it was light but it was there and it wasnt just spotting and then she asked my weigh tim not sure exact since ive been hovering around numbers but i said 104 i might b under that by tuesday thoguht but hey its set up and i can figure out y im in so much pain all the damn time

i went sopping with my mom today and i got grapes, bananas, 3 mangos, 2 soy yougrts, nerd jelly beans, fruit looops, and apple jacks

while we were out i adtempted to get a breakfast sandwhich i acutally went into the stopre up the the touchscreen and was looking at them an dijust coudlnt do it ijust coudlnt it was to hard ma was with me but seh didnt say enthin gijust said they all have cheese shes like u want mcdonalds im like no to much grease so ijust camehom eand had soem fruit loops with my almond milk htye hurt but yum do i love me my fruit loops

well ima go to the gym for alil try and attmept to do elly and read a lil then home to clean room shower and sit outside for alil b4 ihave to get ready for date nite with the boy

i'll ppost a pic of my ourfit later i promise




ok so i got this award so thank u sou much to lou and stfusarah i got it from both of u guys and i really appreciate it so much it means alot that u guys think that about me and that u gys acutally read my blog i just started it to let out my emotions cause it all gets tomuch at time and to know that ppl still read it and our interested in my crazy fucked up thoughts is just amazing

ok 7 facts hmm gotta think

1)im addicted to ceral i dont like milk so i eat it dry most of the time usually just out of the box i have gone days with just eating ceral yes u guys might think its weird but i love it i ccan only eat certain kinds though all kinds arent for me

2)i love the smell of vanilla its the best smell in the wrold well almost i say the best smell in the work is the smell of a newborn vanilla is a close second though

3)im easily distracted like extermemlyeasily mythougts dont stay on one thing for 2 long

4)my fav movie is titanic i can watch it over and over again and never get sick of it

5)i have an addcitiong ot books u can never haven eough and iddnt start reading til college an dihave books everywhere now

6) i love learning new things im always curious and i will learn nething and try nething just about once

7)o and im alwasy cold like always it could b 85 degress out and im still cold well a chicll not freezing but u guys know what i mean

ok now 10 ppl to pass it on too
1)thin_envy
2)used for glue
3)scared blogger
4)manadagin
5)ayden
6)mich
7)anonoymous
8)rider
9)desepreee
10)cs(erica)

3/16/11

i just took a huge step guys and i emailed a therapist asking for help now i just have to wait and c what she says andhow much and c if i can acutally afford it. i know i need it cause im a completel mess lately and icant do it on my own i have tired trust me but my anxiety is just gettign to bad and its leading to more and more panick attacks and ijust cant do it nemore i need help im tired of being all over teh place and the constant battle going on in my head ijust wish i knew my thoughts and i dont cuase none of my thoughts are me its all ana and mia and cutty and anxiety and its just ugh enough already ijust want 2 seconds of peace in my head wouldnt that b nice

but had my doc appt today the scale said the same thing it said last week while i was there 108.4 with clothes layers and shoes i was 104.2 naked after my shower this momring the nurse was happy she said good. so yeah weight yesterday 105.3 weight this morning 104.2 weight dressed at docs 108.4 so its like 4l bs of shoes and clothes and jewerly damn

my blood pressure went down again it was 110/70 so hes off my case about that just on my case about my cholestrol but he fianlly gave in and gave me alow dose med for it and i get bloodowrk again in 3 months i even hinted and said that ima picky eater so its not like im not following the damn diet he put me on i am and i barely eat neway so yeah but high cholestrol runsin the family so like the nice doc assistant said i was doomed from the start

the nice doc assistant checked my sotmach sic eive been ahving alot of stomach issues lately. they did blood work to check for teh celiac disease(gluten allergy) but it came back negative so i dont have that. but they had me lay down on my back and pressed on different parts of my stomach. there were a few places that hurt when she preesed even ahd me breathe in and she pressed and it still hurt she asked if i ate breakfast and i said no caus eid idnt and i wasnt gonna lie about it. but i have to go get an ultrasound done to c if there is nething wrong in there. if it comes up clear then he said i prob jsut had IBS my cousin has that too well i lil wrose version of it

i wen tot go get my prescritoin but they said it would take an hour and im not spending anhour at walmart so i went tot he mall and walked around did 3 total laps i walked really slow cause i was tired and my bag was heavy. i was trying to convine my self that it was ok to get one of those high cal drinks from the coffee place but i just couldnt do it im trying this hole recovery thing but i just couldnt talk myself into it it was juts to big of a step there so ij ust drank my water instead.

food log so far
*cake icing vanilla made with soy no diary or gluten
*3 slice peppreidge farm light bread-130

that hurt a lil but doc says im not allergic to gluten so oyeahi ate it

i keep telling myself "that im ok that i can do this" in terms of recovering im just hoping that if i keep telling that tomyself enough i will start to beleive it

well i gotta fidna place that takes my insurance for i can get myultrasound done soon then i might just put in a movie and work out alil

love u guys

__________________________________________________________________-

mandagin-he listend about the stoamch i never bought up the anxiety cause he just doesnt seem welcoming i was going crazy i didnt work out for a month i had to go and do soemthing and it was just walkign to it wasnt much

rider-im addicted to diruetcis ive been taking them for years so idt that the problem would just start now

3/14/11

so my doc finally called yes the same asshat that i went to alst week they wanna follow up with me since he hasnt seen me since last week i told the secetray that he said he would call if nething was wrong and she said well hes look at ur chart and he wants to c u again im like ok so i go wednesday morning at 830am

i goot my blood work results in the mail
levels
*cholestrol-258
*hdl-91
*ldl-155
*triglycerides-61
*glucose-114
*tsh- normal

so my doc will yell at me about my choelstrol like he always does and accuse me of nt following the diet he put me on andit makes me just wanna yella t him too and juts say that i hate food i hate eating so idk y the levels are high yes that will prob get me in trouble but ugh he just drives me nuts

im guessing my stomachi s fine too since the level is normal so all teh sotmach pain is just nuttin idk i will c what he says on wed wheni c him hopefully he will acutally listen never know thoughb ut if he doesnt def gonna find another doc cause mine just dirves me fuckign bonkers

i managed to go toth e gymt oday ididnt do much causemy balance is still shit and im still getting dizzy but i walked ont he treadmill for 65 minutes at a speed of 2.5 mph it was the hill workout on level 5 so it changes the incline a lil but not much cause it was on such a low level but i burnt 179 cals doing that so its soemthing

went tot he grocery store after i got 2 bags of salad, 2 bags of grapes(1 is for ma), pinapple, papaya(never buying that again cause u dont get much after its all cut up) and a lil thing of dairy free promgrante ice cream

theni went to walmart got me more diuretics yes im addicted tot hem i admit it but i cant stop i need them somuch and got a pack of gum and some blue nailpolish

my titanic movie i ordred came in the mail yay its always on abc family and i just love the movie so much and u cant find it int he store so i ordered teh dvd off of amazon and it came yes fuck yes and my vogue mag came today as well

i havent done to well eating today i was suppsoe t frui and veggie fast didnt happen but ima make a good dinner soonish prob in an hour b4 dad comes home and theni ma restrcit tomm i wanna lose seomthing b4 the docs on weds so tomm i will prob have some fruit b4 work and then justl ike applesauce, jello and soy yogurt rest of the day

love u guys

________________________________________________________

ayden-thanx hun i have no idea what the root of my issues are so yeah

mandagin-yay we both watched it go us :) yeah i know i have been sick alot it sucks

desepree- yeah is usually do the elliptical ive tried yoga i just dont have the focus for it and i cant concentrate or shut my mind off long enough to do it o an dmy doc doesnt give a shit he thinks im fine

3/13/11

thank u guys so much for ur help on my last post

*ce- thank u hun an di know its gonna take time and all that

*mich-the closest support gorup that i found b4 was 45 mins away from me at somerset medical and i have to take 78 to get there i hate that highway idk if u know it but its like a fuckign deathtrap i will try and look around for therapist but im in a small town

*thinmint-im tyring to take the plunge but its so hard and i will never fully b better

*acka11-thanx hun i have no idea what is at the bottom of my ed so i guess the therapist would work on that everyhting is just so confusing

i did do some research today and i live in a small town the closest ed therapist is 31 mins away and the 2nd closes is 42 mins away gotta love smallt owns i like thats its not busy but if i lived in a bigger town then i would have more options u know

the closest one is a private practice and has a website that i looked at it sounds intersting they dont take insurance well they do put u pay upfront and then its the insurance companys policy to reimburst u do idk about that i gotta talk tot he boy c what he thinks u know

and if i go to the 2nd one they i talked ot her int he apst wellnot really talked she did leave a voicemail and she sounds so nice but she is always the one that said ishoudl get an ed assesment and be in the hopsital to break the cycle

so idk my head ijsut so confused and imjust so lost and idk what to think nemore its all so confusing and a constant battle in my head

the plan for today was to go to teh gym get back into it just walk int he tready and read i knwo i cant do a major workout yet cause i still feel like ima drop and i get idzzy everyday im dizzy as i right this so sorry and ijsut ate a banana and my heart is going nuts u think food would help my body nope im the opposity app it makes me feel worse idk nemore

i wokred yestreday and had to keep leaningon things causei almost went down so many times at home b4 work i did go down after work i had some soup b4 work i had a salad so i am eating but nto eating neough so whatever

but neway after work i layed down intent to watch tv and wait for the boy to call when he was home fromt he boy yeah welli passedout or crashed idk but next thing i know its 630 am and then i look at the clock again and its 10am so idk wtf happend

i work up right arm completlty alseep face numb head spinning heart going nuts much like how i feel now so ugh idk what is going on with him im having toruble typing this cause i cant concentrate at all

food so are 2day: 2 banans, few grapes and some nerd jelly beans. i plan so mak ea nice grilled chicken salad and the near future

im watching aladdin on abc family love th old school disney movies

well love ua l l back to idk whatever the hell im doing

i need ur guys help please

hey guys i need ur advice here

um i was trying to do better and iw as for alil while at least but i had a slip recently and the boy noticed cause stupid me pretty much stopped eating or barely ate nething i didnt mean to slip i was really trying but yeah it happened

but neway we were talking last nite well he was talking an di was trying to not have a panic attack but he said that he coudlnt watch me kill myself nemore that its jeopordizing our relationship. hes like u know it can kill u right and of course i know that and that my health has gone down and the reason that i have been so sick lately is prob cause of the ed.

so it looks like i will b getting a therapist and a nutrionist and trying to get help but i refuse to go to ip i refuse to admit myself cause ijust cant do that. i dont even think im sick enough for help but just the pain in hes eyes killed me last nite he wants me healthy he said we cant move on or do nething over teh summer unless im healthy and that ih ave to try to try and eat better to try and beat it. u guys know i hate this i hate the ed and everything that goes with it and i wish that i didnt have it and i dont wish it on my worst enemy so yeah looks like i will b loooking into help. i made him realize that this thing will never completely going away its about controlling it but it iwll always b there.



so question is what to expect? like what is therapy and treatment and all that like im so scared i hate not knowing what is gonna happen and ih ave a hard time opening up to ppl but for the girls that have been trhu treatment can u give me some insight on it please?

i just need to know what is gonna happen im 25 so i know they cant like lock me away ugh my head is such a mess some1 help calm it down please

3/11/11

outfit




weight this morning was 104 lbs thank god im under 105 again damn
yesterday i kinda fasted but idk not really i had 3 cups of sodium free chikcne broth, 2 cups of the lipton cup of cup packettes, soy yogurt, 2 bottles of water with sugar free koolaide mix and then water and tea and 2 cups light lemonade so not a full out fast i think it was about 295 cals it was def under 300 cals

today so far i have had few grapes, lil cake icicng, few chips, 2 cups light lemonade

i had to work today and let me tell u i almost passed out somnay times it wasnt funnt i kept getting dizzy and stumbling and i know its cause of the restricitng but also a big part of it is cause im sick even if the doc says im not i know i am cause even when i do eat im still dizzy its like the longer im on my feet the worse i feel

this is just a quick post gotta finish getting ready for date nite just wanted to show u guys my outfit

love u

__________________________________________________________________

anonomyous-m thanx hun i love eminem as well ur not alone there

lexi- i make them myself im sorry ur ex threw urs away

phoebe-thanx hun lol its funny id ont even dance

ayden- u will get there hun u just gotta stay strong

manadgrin0 u will get here hun ur not taht far off from my weight id i remeber correclty yeah the ansel spray doesn thelp me at all im not allerigc to nehting i just always have a stuffy nose its werid

needlesedge- they are my fave too

stfysarah- i have runner legs they are like all muslce ugh

mona- vanilla is the best smelling stuff ever

mich-he sitll hasnt called about my bloodwiork so who knows ppl have mentin vertigo and yeah i could b walking and all of a sudden its like bam i hate it

new pics

collar bones i love them the best they need to b out way more though




my legs ugh



my braclets i know ive prob showed this to u guys already but o well and ugh my wrist looks huge an di usually wear the "forza" and "breathe" on my other wrist but its all cut up and im sure u guys dont wanna c that




i tried to get pics of my back but couldnt get a good one

3/9/11

"Cause sometimes you feel tired,feel weak, and when you feel weak, you feel like you wanna just give up.But you gotta search within you, you gotta find that inner strengthand just pull that shit out of you and get that motivation to not give up
and not be a quitter, no matter how bad you wanna just fall flat on your face and collapse......Till the roof comes off, till the lights go outTill my legs give out, can’t shut my mouth.Till the smoke clears out - am I high? PerhapsI'ma rip this shit till my bone collapse" - eminem

srsly im leaaving the words right i am following them ig otta keep going til i collapse til i cant take nemore cause app no1 is gonna take me srsly til that happens until my body finally gives out and it just fails and collapes.

the girls at work are thrwoing around ideas about what could b wrong so far i got flu, vertigo and amenic so who knows what is relaly wrong i havent gotten a call bout mmy bloodwork yet so either nuttin is wrong or he didnt get them yet who the fuck knows.

i had a panic attack yesterday after i feel twice in a 5 minute span of time and ended up cutting its not bad cause were i fell i coudlnt reach my good razors so ijust had to pull apart a shaving razor im ok though it really calmed me down

i worked out for a lil yesterday and felt like so weak and like shit after but it was wroth it i did an hour of air bike and abunch of crunches

we are so not gonna talk about what i ate today ugh stupid gluten free dairy free choc sandwhich cookies mother fuckers are the fuckign devil and they dont even taste good they are chalky but who the fuck still eats them o yeah me

i manged to stay upright today well at work at least i had a few close calls were i got dizzy and weak and almost feel but i stayed up right at home ij ust let it happen cause theres no1 there that cares

i got to c my lil munchins today :) love them so much and i got them each a li easter stuffed animal from work had this cute lil things with a fat body they are just adorable and i couldnt not get it for them so i got a pink bunny, a yellow duck, and a sheep ithink its a sheep idk ha

also go tmyself a pair of cute boots and then went to bath and body works and got me 2 things of lotion and some spray vanilla spray i love me my vanilla
here are the boots




ok time for me to go workout and make myself fell even sick then i already am but i need to workout
love u all

__________________________________________________________

skeleton strong-yeah i plan to get a second opinon if my bloodwork doesnt show nething casu ei knwo smething is wrong

mich- yes some docs are just morons this is the second nasel spray ihave been on one over the summer and one now i hate it so much and he doesnt understand im just oneof those ppl who have a constan stuffy nose it doesnt affect nething its just how i am o wow is ur mom ok?

3/7/11

so u guys ready to here about how my joke of a doctors appt went this morning.

so according to him im fine there is nuttin wrong and gluten allergies just dont come out of nowhere sinceim so young yup.

he checked my lungs and he said they sounded fine i told him about the pain in them and he said nuttin was wrong with them and i said my chest hurts and he listened to my heart and it was beating out of my chest and he didnt say nething about it.

i was honest with him i said i was weak and dizziness and shaky and my legs give out and i fall and they just said that there was nuttin they could do about that he asked if i was eating and drinking and i said yes cause really i am eating and drinking he didnt ask specifics about what i eat or how much he just asked general so i have him a general answer

he sent me for bloodwork to check my cholestrol and my liver and kidneys he said that if nething is wrong with that he would call but im fine and healthy and theres nuttin he can do

he gave me a nasal spray cause im congested but i told him im alwasy congested
and he asked is i was vomiting i said only when i eat to much dairy so he said to not eat dairy he looked at my throat but i guess he didnt c nething

my blood pressure was better is was 122/80 he was happy about that
he sent me for bloodwork and i said there forawhile cause its just a walk in place i did get some reading done they took 2 vials of my blood

i then went to walmart to get my prescritoion but the ass crack o fmy doc didnt call it in right away so i ended up bugyin 3 disney moives
*snow white
*mary poppins
*pinninochio

i then went home and talked to mom and relaxed a lil and thenme and my sis went out and did some errands i go tmy prescritoion and went and got fruit got
*banannas
*mangos
*3 nectarines
*grapes
*lettuce
*grape tomatoes
*dried pinapple
*almond milk
*10 cal lemonade
*gluten and dairy free pancake mix
*gluten and dairy free cookies
* nerd jelly beans

i almost [passed out again today i was at walmart for the second time and i got os shaky and so dizzy and i almost went done yeah ok doc im healthy if u say so

i just did the first dose of my nasal spray and u know what it mademe evenmore coongested and im sneezing up a storm

_________________________________________________

jessie-my doc didnt lsiten so it didnt matter

ayden- im 5'5 105 lbs the doc scale fully dressed was 108 wow hun thats crazy about he psych ward thing

mich-yes its from kohls of course lil i alwasy shop at kohls and id ont get it
either like y do ppl do that and y is it aight

needlesedge-thanx

3/5/11

thats the outfit that i wore last nite we went to red robin for dinner and out one freind went with us. ihad 2 onion rings some fries and mayb a lil less then half of my salad that i ordered.

me and the oby takled alil last nite casue im scaredof the doctor im scared if soemthing is really wrong and if ithere is its allm y fault cause im the one that has been starving themselves for years he said that if soemthing was really wrong it would of happened already so i shoudlnt worry about it just go get checked and take it from there i told him my weight and hes happy with it cause really 105 is pretty much my nomral weight neway buti hate that number and i was 95 lbs but i also dont wanna fuck mybody up nemore then it already is as u can tell my head is a mess

i gotta work 9 hours today gotta try and get thru it boy said i fi feel to bad to tell them that i shoudlnt jeopordize my health nemore then i already have but after work gotta rush to get home and showered casue we are going out to eat again im so happy that i get to c him again u have no idea i just dont wanna have to eat out again but that comes with it i guess but i cant wait to c him again after work hopefully it will make work go faster

and if onemore person tels me im malnourished and thats y i keep falling and am so sick ima punch them in the face tahts all i heard at work yesterday ur malnoursiehd do u eat balh balh lbah yes ass fucks i eat just cause i dont eat thousands of caloreis a day doesnt mean i dont eat an di just want it to sotp i want ppl to stop saying that and asking me questinos and judging me it just all needs to stop ugh

i had a banana and some grapes this mroing i was so dizzy i needed something i will prob just bring some fruit with me to work and then dinner later with the boy

well im off gotta go to work soon love u all

quicky

so i just made my doctors appt i will b going monday morning at 8:30 o what fun i wont eat or eat nething b4 i go well i will prob drink something just wont eat nething just get up shower and off i go. but ppl say that he cant give me nething for anxiety that id have to go to a specialist for that o what fun i'llc what i can do though

so weight this morning after shower naked with wet hair-104.6 lbs
weight with weight hair dressed with moccassins- 107.2 lbs
ugh gotta work this wkd to get that number down a lil b4 doc appt

im wokring 11-6pm today 10-7pm on sat and then 11-630pm on sunday then i have monday and tuesday off

well ima go relax a lil b4 i gotta spend 7 hours on my feet trying not to fall down
food log so far
b- lipton cup of soup spring vegetable
break at work im brining 1/2 cup papaya and 1/2 cup pinapple
d- is out with the boy tonite so who knows i try to eat good with him cause it keeps him happy

i will post a pic of my outfit later today if i have time or tomm
love u guys

_______________________________________________________-
ayden- im hanging in there the best i can u know what i mean yeah ims ure if i figured out what i wanted to do with my life i woulldnt b so stressed

thin_envy-no one ever says nething bout my low weight at the docs they just say good like what the fuck does good mean

manadagin-im ok im just relaly weak and tired

danae- im always here fo ru hun remember that

3/3/11

so my insurance went thru dad tol me after work yesterday that he called and they told him if went thru so i am now back on my parents insurnace. dad tol me that ne hospital or speicatialst i go to to make sure that they are in the network dont ask fi they take it make sure they are in teh network. idk y everyone keeps saying the hsoptal y doesn teveryone think ima end up there

well i get my work schedule for next week late tonite so i will call my primamry doc tomm and make an appt for next week. i need to get my cholestrol checked, and then need to figure otu what is up with this sickenss i cant kick, and getm y stomach checked c whats up with that and what im allergic too and then c if i can get soemthing for my anxiety.

im just scared of what they will find like how bad did i fuck up my body with this ed my chest and heart pains arent nomral the fact that my lungs hurt an dicant breahe isnt nomral im just scared what if i really fucked myself up u know.

i fell this moring its like a daily thing i either fall or im close to falling i feel monday was really weak tues and wed and then i fell today ig ot up to pee took a step and down i went i grabbed my tv stand for it wasnt a hard fall but i feel none the less

yesterday at work was really hard i was so weak and in a daze and outof it i didnt know what was going on half the time an di was walking so slow barely picking my feet up i was thinking mayb if i didnt pickmy feet up then i had less chance to fall u know what i mean

i redsiegned my tat i decided that i didnt want something that bi gijust wanted soemtihng simpler and with a different quote the quote i choice means more to me then the other one so here it is




also in my daze after work i stopped at kohls and walked around i eneded up gettign another pair of moccassins in black this time then got 2 cropped sweater thingsy and flowly tank tops in pretty colors c




i have teh day off today and no kids to babysit so ma try and clean my room an dhopefullly get al il work out in go d do i need a workotu and then relax alot

loveall u guys

______________________________________________--
ash-i dont knwo what ima do right now and thanx the shes are so comfy

ayden-im not a school perons so its jsut werid that im considering it

mich-yeah i was thinking aaobu tmedical coding and billing

3/1/11

so i went running around with my mom again today i was planning on going to the grocery store by myself today bur she was doing errands and said i could ocme with her and we could do what she has to do and then go where i have to go and then i would still have myparking spot outfront since we took her car so yeah i went running around with her.

we frist went to kohls cause she wanted to get new walking sneakers and i was just browsing thru the clearance show section and she said she would get me something and since her shoes were like $30 she said i could get something that equaled that so i neded up getting 2 pairs from the clearance section i got a pair of cute flats and then a pair fo moccasins c cute




she even gave me her 15 percent off soupon for i can stop there after work tomm and get another pair of moccassins they have them in black too and god so comfy i never realized how comfy there were until today.

we had to go to target cause i needed more tea and shampoo and of ocurse they didnt have the shaampoo and conditiner i needed so we had to go to walmart after but i did mange to get some decaf green mint tea mom got what she needed at least

and then there is walmart yes they had my shampoo and conditoiner score one there and i hate walmart i only go in there as a last resrot but they do have a pretty good movie section i cant resist the old disney movies i just cant so i got the orignal alice and wonderland and ima go back evnetlly and get marry poppins and snow white im slowly gonna get all of them on dvd we have themon vhs but hello nomore vhs player i already have bambi on dvd from awhile go o yeah back to the point i got jelly beans as well yes i lovejelly beans and ionly ever eat them around easter and a box of honey nut chex mix cereal chex mix is the only cereal i can eat now since my sotmach app cant handle gluten nemore

but the gorcery store went good i managed to get my fruit and soup
*banaanans
*papaya
*grapes
*pinapple
*2 boxs of the cup of soup chicken noodle packets

by the time we got home though i was dragging so much my body really cant handle nething nemore i realized that i was dragging while we wereout i was walking so slow just forcing my body to keep going and my legs not to give out of me lik ethey have done lately hopefully ic an get to the docs next weeka nd get everything figured out and im really gonna try to get anxiety meds i just cant do it with out them nemore i need osmething to just take the edge off im paranoid all the time im stressed in anxious it leads to panic attacks and its so hard working retail with anxiety.

i did manage to get al il workout in today it wasnt much since im still so sick and i can barely do enthing nemore but i did manage to jogin place slowly with feet never leaving the floor for 30 mins straight i feel so much wworse now even more cold then iw as to begin with my legs ache more, my chest hurts my throats hurts head is cloudy my heart is just always a mess and im coughiing alot again o and my hole body hurts but im glad i got a lil workout in ive been going nuts lately and my stomach is getting a pouch ew hate it and once u get teh lower stomach pouch its harder to get rid of fuck me i should of starved more but god im jsut so weak as it is with this sickness that idk if i could

i did watch the oringal alice and wonderland today god i love that movie iv eread that book as well but the mad hatter just gets me everytime i love it such a great movie

and ive acutally been thinking about going back to school again and if u know me u know that i hate school its judst not my thing it never has been i never tried i just did enough to pass now if i acutally applied myself i could of done so much more caus im not sumb im acutally pretty smart i just never tried or applied my self school just never interest me in high school i never went and my senior if i had like one more absence they werent gonna let me graduate ha i graduated though and i also managed to ge tmy associates degree in acocuting managemtn yes it took me 4 years yes i was at a communoty college for 4 years but i did it didnt i go me but ive been out of school since um 2009 now and i have yet to find a job in my field they eithe want a bacholors degree or expeirince and ihave neither and i cant stand working in retail i cant do that for much longer im not a people person i cant do it

so i was thinking like one of those accelerated programs like pharmacy tech or medical assistand or medical admin. medicine has always interested me i just dont wanna b a doc or enthing id love to to physocolgy but i live in a small town no way i can kind a job in that and i cant move to a big city to many ppl to many panic attacks just thinking about big cities so i think ima do some researcho n it c if i can take all my classes online cause i cant do a college cmapus again and c how much it would cost cause as must of u know im always struggling with money

ok ima go curl up again im so cold and read a lil and then watch one treel hill, teen mom 2, and my life as liz 2

food log

o yesterday after i posted i ended up eating 2 nature valley trail mix bars and a peach

today so far ugh i know i suck
*2 servings fries(cooked in oven)
*1 serving onion rings(cooked in oven)
*1 honey bbq chicken bite
*4 bites grilled chicken
*gluten free brownie
*cup of chicken noodle cup of soup soup
*biscuit
*4 choc chip cookies
*2 handful jelly beans
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ash- ur lucky ur mom can get them for u i wish i had some1 who could do that for me

dying to be pretty-love u too friend and i am gonna come out and ask him im trying to ge tmy weighing down to once a week but im still on the everyday kick ugh

mich-cathlitc really im not relgious im catholitic though or im suppose to b bu tmy dad didnt bring us up that way hes parents bought him up that way like chcurch and god all the time but he didnt do that to us and thanx for the pill advice