Wednesday, March 16, 2011


i just took a huge step guys and i emailed a therapist asking for help now i just have to wait and c what she says andhow much and c if i can acutally afford it. i know i need it cause im a completel mess lately and icant do it on my own i have tired trust me but my anxiety is just gettign to bad and its leading to more and more panick attacks and ijust cant do it nemore i need help im tired of being all over teh place and the constant battle going on in my head ijust wish i knew my thoughts and i dont cuase none of my thoughts are me its all ana and mia and cutty and anxiety and its just ugh enough already ijust want 2 seconds of peace in my head wouldnt that b nice

but had my doc appt today the scale said the same thing it said last week while i was there 108.4 with clothes layers and shoes i was 104.2 naked after my shower this momring the nurse was happy she said good. so yeah weight yesterday 105.3 weight this morning 104.2 weight dressed at docs 108.4 so its like 4l bs of shoes and clothes and jewerly damn

my blood pressure went down again it was 110/70 so hes off my case about that just on my case about my cholestrol but he fianlly gave in and gave me alow dose med for it and i get bloodowrk again in 3 months i even hinted and said that ima picky eater so its not like im not following the damn diet he put me on i am and i barely eat neway so yeah but high cholestrol runsin the family so like the nice doc assistant said i was doomed from the start

the nice doc assistant checked my sotmach sic eive been ahving alot of stomach issues lately. they did blood work to check for teh celiac disease(gluten allergy) but it came back negative so i dont have that. but they had me lay down on my back and pressed on different parts of my stomach. there were a few places that hurt when she preesed even ahd me breathe in and she pressed and it still hurt she asked if i ate breakfast and i said no caus eid idnt and i wasnt gonna lie about it. but i have to go get an ultrasound done to c if there is nething wrong in there. if it comes up clear then he said i prob jsut had IBS my cousin has that too well i lil wrose version of it

i wen tot go get my prescritoin but they said it would take an hour and im not spending anhour at walmart so i went tot he mall and walked around did 3 total laps i walked really slow cause i was tired and my bag was heavy. i was trying to convine my self that it was ok to get one of those high cal drinks from the coffee place but i just couldnt do it im trying this hole recovery thing but i just couldnt talk myself into it it was juts to big of a step there so ij ust drank my water instead.

food log so far
*cake icing vanilla made with soy no diary or gluten
*3 slice peppreidge farm light bread-130

that hurt a lil but doc says im not allergic to gluten so oyeahi ate it

i keep telling myself "that im ok that i can do this" in terms of recovering im just hoping that if i keep telling that tomyself enough i will start to beleive it

well i gotta fidna place that takes my insurance for i can get myultrasound done soon then i might just put in a movie and work out alil

love u guys


mandagin-he listend about the stoamch i never bought up the anxiety cause he just doesnt seem welcoming i was going crazy i didnt work out for a month i had to go and do soemthing and it was just walkign to it wasnt much

rider-im addicted to diruetcis ive been taking them for years so idt that the problem would just start now


  1. awwwww well done sweeetheart. We're here for you not matter what you deicide. Hope you achieve all of your goals :) x

  2. You're taking big steps. It's so hard to do, but you can if you keep at it.
    I know what you mean about trying to get a high cal coffee drink and just not being able. I must have wandered back and forth in the snack aisle like 10 times yesterday in CVS trying to find something "safe" for lunch, having a mental debate about whether or not I could eat.

    In the end I got a diet pepsi, so minor fail.
    Or win? I'm not sure anymore...

    Could definitely be IBS, but that's very treatable, so at least they'll probably put you on something that will really help.

  3. I left an award for you on my page <3 xo

  4. this is great news (: if you continue to be so strong and look for help i'm sure you'll find it and be able to feel better.

    it would be cool if IBS meds helped, all those stomach issues have got to be getting old.

    you're so strong! i hope everything works out for you, i'm crossing my fingers for you.

    much much love

  5. I'mn really proud of you for reaching out to a therapist even if it turns out you can't see them. It's hard to admit you need help and even harder to ask for it. So great job! =D
    I hope the stomach issues get sorted out soon. Stomach pains are no fun. I used to have really bad issues with food allergies but it's better now. Hopefully medicine will help.
    Keep fighting!

  6. That's great that you're taking the plunge.
    Hope you feel better.
    Passing by to say hello and Congrats on the Award

  7. WOW, that's FN fantastic!! You are on the right path doll! That is sooo brave of you! Getting help for my anxiety was the best thing I could have done for myself!