3/28/11

so i pretty much jsut said fuck recovery today as i was leaning over the toilet purging yup i just threw away months of being pruge free in 10 minutes ihavent pruges since halloween thanksgiving at the latest but yeah all that is gone now. i wasnt planning on going back down that road but fuck it happens when im left alone my parents coudl give a fuck that im thrwoing up they jsut think its all my stomach issues acting up so they dotn question it but i try to not do it much neway but when im alone its really hard to resist so my mom left today andmy dad adn bro are at baseball practice or soemtihng ans as sonn as she is gone i walk downstaris heat up mini sausge biscuits( and mremmber guys i cant have bread nor do i eat red meat) and had a slice of boston cream pie and then i purged them both up i dont tihnk i got it all up but once the food starts gettign stuck in my throat i stop cuase that means my throats is closing up and the blood will come soon so after 3 times of it getting stuck i stopped sorry if that is to much information for ya but i need to get this out nowi know i got at least half of it up i hope more.

but i really hate myself right now i hate msyelf for going down that road again a road i said i would never gone down again cause last time i did i was purging blood and ahd constnat sore throat but yeah not do i ever lsiten to myself or the fact that my body is a mess nop ei dont i listen tot he fucking voices that are driving me crazy 24/7 like fuck already jsut leave me alone already

like i knoew today wasnt gonna be good cause the voices started early they wanted to to wait til lunch time to go to the gymt oskip lunch and work out thru it but ididnt listen to it im trying to b pettery and i went around 10ish and did my workout and theni was home for lunch but something just sanpped in me while iwas laying here earlier with a somtach ache of course and it was like fuck i really cant do this nemoremy somtahc is just growing and growing like idk hwo i am gaining so much weight so fucking quickly i knowi am eatin more but i didnt thinki was eating thatmuch to make me gian so much so quickly and then i was thinkng that mayb it was my choelstrol meds that were amking me gain

i looked up the side effects and weight gain isnt one of them msucle pain is but im not in nemore pain then i nomrally am and the normal pain is painful enough not many ppl can deal witht eh apin i deal with on a daily basis but neway i kept reading and i foudn this place with testimonies from ppl that are on the same meds as me and all of them gained weight as well and they didnt lose it til they wre off the meds and now i cant stop taking them my choelstrol was 258 its suppose to b under 200 so i need to b on them but i will prove them all wrong and i will lsoe the weight while being on themi j ust gotta get all my thoughts togehter and get my head to just shut up for 2 fucking damn seconds and just let me think

yes i know im a basket case right nowi cant help it ok ihate msyelf for purging i hate mysself for getting fat i hate myself for losing contorl i hate mysrlf for tyring to recoveri hate that ihave this disease in the first place i hate thats its racking havic on my body and my immune system ijust hate everything about it but u cant figh tthis mother fucker on ur own and since i cant get help cause america helps i will just have to embrace it andjust let it be and hope it doesnt kill me b4 i can get help

the boy thinks imnuts i asked him if he can tell i gained weight and hes honest hes always honest he ssaid he couldnt tell but my somtach needs work which yes i know it does now dont go yelling at him ornething he konws abou tmy ed he knows that i abasket case and my anxiety an dmy maniac moments and heknew i was fucking losing my mind the other nite when i asked and he said that its just casue i haven tbeen tot he teh gym in awhile cause of me bieng sick and that once i get back everyting will b ok well i went the past 2 days and its not ok
heres my workouts the last 2 days

today
65mins level 5 elly-446 cals burned
35mins level 5 steppy- 174 cals burned

yesterday
65mins level 5 elly-442 cals burned
35mins level 5 bike-191 cals bunred

so i worked out the past 2 day and its not making nehting better at al lmy mind is sitll as much as a nut case as it always is but ima fix it or listen to it or idk wtf im doing nemore so it really doesnt matter does it ugh fuck now im really rambling

but neway im sick again no shocker tere right guys ha i really fucked up my immune syster so yeah i got a sore throat(had it pre purge had it since yesterday) a stuffy nose that is more stuffy then it normally is, runny nose, cough, my head is poudning i hate fucking head colds.

good news is my side pain went away well not completely but its not as bad my uncle wants me to get another test but im not gonna i need a doc break if i acuts up again i will call then my heart has been huritng alot htough lately an dmy tummy as well but the doc said that if the ulstrasound came back clear which it did i just have IBS yeah just i reasearched it and its not fun at all there are meds for it but i doubt my doc will give me ne since hes not planning on seeing me til june when i getmy cholestrol checked again. so yeah im either running to the bathroom to shit my brains out or im so constipated for days that it hurts im nasoues alot and the pain the pain in my sotmach just gets so bad at times and there is no like specific diet for it i loooked it up it just said to avoid foods tha tmake me sick yeah ok thats gonna b easy. and add on top of that that im lactose intolerant so really i shoudl use this to my advantage cause there really isnt much i can eat to beiging with no dairy no gluten(wrekcs havic of my bowels sorry tmi) nuts smeem to bother me as well i cant have bread, crackers, nething fried, rye, barley, nehting with ne kind of dairy, pears, pinapples, strawberries um the list could go on for ever.

but thats what i get the fucekd up mthe immune system from eyars of starving the messed up bowels for my laxs abuse my body just beinga wreck cause it never got the proper nutrition.

u wanna know what makes me made is all the wannabes out there the ones that want the tips and the tricks they wanna catch an ed cause they think it will make themahppy andthin news flash u guys have no fucking clue how it is to live with this not a clue at all i woudnlt wish this on my worst enemy and thats saying something idk y some1 woudl wanna catch this its not a fun thing to have mental issues arent. being so sickall the time cause ur body is just to weak to fight isnt hun having all this hell issues and having hthe docs not know what is wrong casue accodring to the test u are fine but ur body is failing from years of starving but its not shwoing up on the test. being bent over the toilet throwing up the food u just ate and coudnt amange to keep down cause u felt to guilty to having to hide teh red and cut up knuckes the broken bood vessels to having the hide the cauts from ur slef harm cause its teh only thing thatmakes everything stop and keeps u calm to be so manaic at times that u cant just sti still at all that u have to keep moivng ur constantlygoing the thoguhts and the voices the need to do more and more the constant fear that ur gonna go to sleep and jsut never wake up and that keeps u up at nite it makes u so tired the naxiety that comes with leaving the house everyday when all u wanna do is hide in ur room all day but u cant cause u have to go to work and act like nuttin is wrong acut liek ur happy person and u dont have a care in the wrold even though ur dying inside i coiudl keep going but im about to go fuckign crazy an dineed to workout mystomach is huge an dineed to curnch is all away so ima stop babbling an dijust hope if ne ppl hoping to cathc aned read this and u change ur mind its not as glamourous as ppl think it is

to all my girlies in this community who know exaclty wahtim going thru i love u guys i love ua ll so much and we can get thru this and we will b there for each other thru the ups and downs the highs and lows thru everything lvoe u all