7/7/10

so so yesterday i was at work yes i know no shocker there dani is always at work. and i wouldnt talk to my bosssi would just walk right past him and not say a word eventually he walked up to me and asked ifi was ok cause i seemed tense i told him i was fine i was just tired.. hes like u sure u know if there wa sap roblem u could talk to me about it im like yeah im sure theres no problem. then he proceeded to try and by nice he asked me about me trip and i mentioned that we didnt have time to do much cause we had to drive home friday hes like u could of stayed longer all u had to do was call i would of covered for u u know u should of took thehole week off it wouldnt of beena problem i acutally liked working it was nice. the hole time he was saying that i was laughing in my head becasue he was so lieing i have had clients come up and tell me that he hated it he was in a bad mood he was rude so whatever fuck him im so done i havent been able to find a new job yet but that will prob take awhle the econly fucking sucks so ugh

the few jobs i did find want u to have experince and a bacholors degree. well lets c i dont have an experience and i only have my assocaites degree in applied science accounting management.

and how the fuck am i suppose to have experience if no one will hire me to give me that experience ugh i tell ya but o well i will keep looking the boy said it can b ne job as long as its full time wkds off and with benefits hes really pushing th ebenefits casue im scaring him with the chest pains and side pains he wants me to go get checked out buti wont wil i have insurance

ive had chest pains everday since baltimore the one panic attak there hurt so bad my chest pains are pretty much from anxiety i woiuld give enthing for some antianxiety meds but i dont wanna go to the docs. im overwhelemed all the tiem and im paraniod and just skiddish ugh i hate it.. my heart has also been bothering me a lil it acutally hurts does that make sense like i feel it hurting but theres nuttin i can do about that righ tnow just gotta wait it out

so i went grocery shopping yesterday i hate grocery shopping only had one really bad chest pain there though but it was bad that i had to stop and grab my cest only a few ppl looked at me weirrd but o well its not like they acutally stopped and asked if i was ok. this is waht i got yesterday at the store:

*2 four pakcs of diabetic yogurt
*5 boxes frozen green beans
*box of triscuits thin crisps
*bag of apples
*6 nectarines
*raspberry walnut vinaigrette srapy dressing
*bleuberres
*5 vitamin water 0's
*2 bags ready pac spirng mix salad
*sugar free banana fudge supreme pudding cups
*roast turkey veggie protein slices
*3 cucumbers
*premade ceaser salad(had for dinner last nite)

today was another hot day it was 103 yesterday and its in the 100's again today the heat is really starting to get to me i felt nausous most of the day and jsut tired and beat and exhausted but i pulled thru i had this big workoutp lanned out but i cut it in half cause i knew i woiudlnt b able to do it all. tomm is suppose to b hot as well dk if its gonna make it to triple digits though but who knows plus with the humidity it feels evenhotter out which sucks cause i would love to sit outsdie or go for a walk but i cant casue the heat just bothers me

food log:
*2 small apples cup up with cinnamon-120cals
*yogurt-45cals
*1/2 cup blueberries-40cals
*Nectarine-50cals
*banana fudge supreme sf pudding cup-60cals
*salad(lettuce(20), 6 pickle chips(25), 1 slice veggie protein turkey(25), 5 croutons(40) cucumber(5))
*bagel thin whole wheat -110cals
*7 bites fried potatoes-?
*5 sprays raspberry walnut vinaigrette dressing-5cals

drink log:
*cup of hot detox peach tea-0 cals
*2 bottles of water-0cals
*liter bottle of water-0cals
*large unsweetend iced tea from dunkin donuts-10 cals


exercise log:
*45 min bike leave 4 12.66 miles-258 cals burned
*18 min tready 1.44 miles-121 cals burned
*5 mins running .5 incline speed 5.0
*5 mins running 1.0 incline speed 5.0
*5 mins running 1.5 incline speed 5.0
*3 min cool down
*5,242 steps taken-131 cals burned


i still have to do some job looking yet tonite and crunches casue my stomach is fucking horrid god everytime i look in the mirror all i c is fat fat fat and its jut fucking disguisting i want it all gone

the scale might say 103 lbs but trust me i dont look 103 lbs i looke like im fucking 150 lbs ew gross i need it all goen and i need it all gone soon

i would gice nething to b ablet o just fast and fast but i cant my body cant handle that nemore an diknow that but it still donest stop me from wanting to mayb i will try a fast at some point when my heart doesnt hurt as bad nemore

i jsut wanna b fragile and breakfable i want ppl to look at me and know that i have a problem that im not ok i wass b so skinny that it scares ppl