Thursday, May 19, 2011


i just wanted to say thank u to everyone
comment answers

*mich-yeahi know i was being really irrational wheni wrote that they didnt even knew i threw up they didnt know til i said i did and my mom goes well no more pancakes or cookie dough for u not are u ok or nething like thatj ust dont eat it again. yeah i would love to just run away and i bet me and u would have tons of fun adn get ina shit ton of troulbe as well my town sucks though. and no ihavent read that book i wil have to check it out though

*desesperee- thnax hun lol ur so sweet and u dont have to bake me nething and waste ur money on stamps and psotage its ok pain is pain right let u know ur alive

*graceyj-do ur parents not care either? im liking the new look as well

*coffee-thanx hun the tab add was a last minute decision

*adrienne- thanx hun

*because-yes airy and thanx i was going to simple but still like artistic

*unbeautiful-yeah ive been thru alot i shoudl update that i think i wrote taht over years ago

*just jessica-thanx hun and i know he loves me it just kills me that ihurt him like this

*starvingforperfection-u have to wanna do it for u or u will never b abel to do it i know it first hand

*violet- i think my body will alwasy reble since ive put it thru hell so much in its lifetime

ok now for the sorry part im sorry that i have been all over theplace lately my head just havcnet been in the best palce and that resulted in a shit ton of freak outs as u guys can c since i freaked out on here for days but ima try and not take it out on u guys nemore but it flet good to type it out and have ppl acutally understand teh fucked up jumble of my head even though i coudlnt understand it

update time

so today was teh funeral for the boys brother i went of coruse i went i txted hes one friend yesterday to c if he was going and he was so i got a ride with him if he wasnt going i would of drove myself but i would of freake dout the hole way i dont do good with driving espeically when idk where im going even though it wasnt far away its just idk im a freak what else is new

but neway the veiwing was from 1130-1 and we got there early around 11 we just stood outsdie wtih my boy for alil and then he got tired of everyone coming p to him telling him sotries of hes brother so he went insdie to b with hes family and i dont blame him for that but we went in at 1130 and sat there til the funeral started at 1 i dont know many of hes family so its just weird but i sat with the boys 3 good friends i wore a black babydoll dress with black long sleeve shirt underneat grey tights that had flower desigin on them and black adn grey checkered flats. ihad my bnaags down and wore my hari curly(since its been raining so much here if i straightned it it would of cruled neway just from the weather)

i dont like funerals not at all wleli dont think neway likes funerals but yeah u know what i mean they did prays and all that and im not a religious person at all either is the boy or hes friends so we jsut sat there while every one else prayed but i gave hes mom a hug at the end b4 we went tot he cemetary the boy didnt really say much up to that point and i dont blame him its ok

the cemetary visit was short it was hard though i cant set foot in cemetaries i just cant but i forced myself to do it for him i was bouncing on my balls of my feet the hole time cause i jstcant do it all the dead all the sadness i just cant do it but i would do enthing fo rhim and i mean everything

the family had everyone to flynns afer flynns is a banquet hall they do catering as well alot of events are held there so thats were they had it and of course i went and the boy sat with us right next to me i was getting worried cause i didnt hear form him all week and he wasnt saying much but he sat next to me so it was all ok

it was buffet style like it alwasy is there and i didnt wanna eat trust me i didnt casue im slipping hard back inot my ed and i didnt eat all but he aske dme if i was gonna eat and i said yes that i would have osmething i dont need him worrying about me i really dont so ijust had veggies (carrots, celery, pcikles and tomatoes) hes grandmother came up to me in the line and introduced herself i dont know many of hes faimly but she came right up and said ive heard so much about u im hes grandmother i fake dmy big smile and said high nice to meet u she looked down atm y plate and said no wonder ur so skinny u dont eatmuch she was anice lady though she seemed really sweet

we were there for awhle just haning out he was smiling so that was good and i got a hig and teh kiss at teh end and he told me he would call me later
he did just txt me not long ago saying thanx for coming and i replied ur welcome i wanted to b there for u and that things will get better remember to take deep breathes and take it one day at a time thats what i do at least" he didnt reply after that but he said he was tired at the gathering so he prob feel asleep its ok he needs hes sleep

im really thinking abut trying to beat this eating disporder i dont want him to have to worry about me nemore ive put him trhu so much and my health just keeps plummting i dont want him to have to rush to the hopsital for me i dont want to hurt him i dont want him to look at me and just worry

i dont know what im going to do im just all confused right now my head is a jumbled mess i ate a couple cookies wheni got home and all i wanted was a dietpill after that but i have been taking so many recnelty that i need to give my body and chest a break so idint i just drank my tea and tried to keep my head calm

some of the stuff i orderedfrom express came in today a day early so yay for that an di weighe din at 105 this morning a lb lighter then i was yesterday

and ma made me happy she showed me the grocery ad and fuck yes cherries are back in season i have been dying for those so ima go tomm and get me some cherries ihave off o fwork but i have to go in neway just to pick up the shirt that we have to wear on sat and a pair of flip flips its $1 flip flop frenzy on saturday o yay funt imes its gonna b carzy and filled with annoying rudeppl ugh hate retail

im still trying to deicde if i want to go tot he gym tomm i will c how i sleep tonite
o an dimade more backgrounds on tuesday here they are o and i purged once this week


  1. everything will be fine trust me

  2. That's really nice of you to go and support your boyfriend. I don't like funerals either, though I've only been to one.
    Keep fighting.

  3. I'm really sorry for you and your boy's family, those times are rough for everyone involved and I'm sure he appreciated your support.

    And if you truly want to kick this nasty habit then keep thinking those thoughts about your boy and the funeral, you don't want to put him through any more pain right? I know it's super tough and damn near impossible but do what makes you feel ok with yourself. If that's kickin ed's ass to curb then so be it.

    I wish you luck and peace on whatever decision you make.