5/11/11

this yoyoing of my weight has just got to sotp already up and down up and down fucking hate the up and down cycle i hate the up part like fuck that ijust want it to go down

i week i will lose 3 lbs next week gain those 3 lbs back week after lose them and the cycle goes on and on
i was 103 last week weighed today 106 fuck me and granted i did have af ew bad days int here but fuck ugh idk y my body likes the 106 number so much itw a fucking bad number ihate it but my body likes that number and it stays there it plateuas there idk if thats my natural weight or what but fuck do i hate it

i start restrciting and it goes really well for a few days and then bam que in the chest pains the racing hert the dizziness the nealry passing out yes iknow my body is beat to hell from years and years of starving it seems like as soon as i go under 105 lbs the chest pains start and they are bad so achey and tight sometimes stabbing i will just stand there and rub my chest and ppl look at me funny im just like what my chest hurts the rubbing doesnt make it feel ne better so idk y i do it idk mayb its just my fucked up head thinking that its working

i really have to get my head back in teh gym ignore all the bad signals and symptoms and jsut fuckign lose the weigth already i havent seen double digits in 2 years
i go back to the docs shorlty in june and i need the scale to say lower then it did lastti me i was there is said 108 with clohtes and shoes on it needs to b lower he needs to knwo mnot ok

my sotmach is still a mess im nasoues a good part of the time i had stabbing pains in it today

while on my break i was flipping thru the womens health that was in the break room and i found this recipe in there i wanna try its 356 cals but i will have to change it cause some things i cant have so it will makeit lower in cals

ok iima go back to my pity party and getlost in my head i need my control back i need to b scared of food again i need to not eat over 500 cals ijust need to do all the crazy stuff i use to do god if ne of u read my blog from the beginning u knowhow bad i use to be i need that back

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starving forperfection -u can save them tahts fine if u want one made let meknow

kitkat-thanx hunny

dilur-u can use it if u want