6/23/10

i told my self that i wastn going to go down the bulimia raod again i promised myself i promised other ppl that i wouldnt go down the raod again that i would stay away from the purging that i wouldnt binge nemore that i was gonna stay on the ana road cause ana was frist and she will always b first but yeah i messed up toady i messed up so bad 2day u have no idea

i skipped lunch cause i really wanted some tosotios so i figured if i skipped lunch i could have some and it would all b ok man was i wrong so so so wrong. yesi did have the tositos and i was ok but then i ended up eatinga pint of butter pecan ice cream and i wanted to purge so bad but i didnt i didnt i avoided it i ended up standing in place and moving my leggs from an hour straight and i fel ta lil better about myself but theni made the biggest mistake ever i ate again

i ate a grilled cheese on white bread white bread wtf is up with that im not even suppose to have white bread but what do i do i make grilled cheese with it i used vegan cheese but still wtf was i thinking o and then to top it off i made fries in grease in fucking grease im not suppose to have grease grease wrecks havic with my stomach but yeah i made it in that neway all the way while i was making it i was like its ok u can just purge it up after and the i go no no purging u will exercise it off it will b ok and then u got ana yelling at me telling me that im fat and that im worthless that i dont desrve to live that the boy wont want me nemore afte ri eat that cause it will make me fat and thati better get rid of it after i eat

so then i walk upstiars to my room i eat the grilled cheese and most of the fries the hole time im going ima purge its ok im purge after i finsih i walk downstairs very calmy i throw out the rest of the food and rinse out my dishes i walk back upstairs drink a half of liter of water and then go to the bathroom

i purged i purged it all up the grilled cheese the fries and even some of the tosits and the ice cream i didnt taste it coming up all i did was feel it coming up i was so out of it i didnt even know i purged till i started gagging to much till my heart was beating to much til my throat hurt till my head started pounding

i hate myself so much right now i told myself that i wouldnt go down that raod again cause once i go down that road its bad i end up doing it 2-3 times a day but guys please don tlet me go down that road i need ur help i dont wanna have another post like this one again

so now now that i hate myself tot he point where i wanna cut and im trying to stop cutting im even trying to fade my scars but im not gonna fuck up twice in one day so im not even gonna digmy razor out im not its gonna stay in my makeup case where i put it i will not get it out i will not allow myself to get it out


so here is how its gonna go no more purging not again not ever im down again im going back to ana all the way i know she will take me back casue she can never let me go at all tomm is either a fasting day or a low cal applesauce and fruit day i will have to c how i feel when i wake up


friday is either fasting till boy tkes me out to eat or my nomral 200 cals during the day then eat as lil as i canget away with at dinner with him


next week im going back to exercise so this heat exhasution better get teh fuck out for i can exrcise again i will go tothe gym if i cant run outside cause its to hot i will go to the gym as much as i can and i will eat as lil as i can

next week the boy is on vacation and we our going away the 1st and 2nd ona lil mini vacation we are going to balitmore to c the aquarium and when hes around inever eat much its like i have to b more controlled around him he cant c me eating alot he cant c me fat i wont allow the highest hes ever seen me at is 115 which is the highest weight ive ever been at and he hated me at that weight he likes me between 105-110 so no more gaining weight i dnt wanna b 110 again i dont wanna b close to it i wann b double digits i wanna b thin and fragile and breakable


today i also sat down and bagged up all my dried fruit and trail mix i go tmy sharpeis my sanck bags and my scale out i weighed everything and marked evertying down and fyi 30 grams of trail mix isnt much at all and to think that that lil amount is 223 cals is fucking insane its crazy

i gotta exercise now i gotta work out the cals that i didnt purge i gotta get my mind off of that i gotta just clear my mind clear it from everything

i love u gusy im sorry that i let u down