5/31/11

i owe u guys an update i got lost in my head for awhile there and got to turned around to make sense of ne of it but im clear enough right now to post for u guys catch u up on my not so exciting but drive me crazy life

so i will start off with today i went to go get my blood work dont yes i get bloodwork and no its not for my eating disordermy docs dont care enough bout me to acutally realize i have a problem its for my cholestrol and u have to fast for 12 hours for that so i did i stopped eating at 630pm last nite and just drank water and then got up at 7 to get everything ready even made a protein shake for after so yeahi leave teh hose at 8 to go get it done an dim sitting there waitng for a lil they finally call me up and they say they cant do it cause my ass of a doc wrote june on the top he does that for i wil remember to come c him cause he knows i will froget so yeahi have to go back thursday to get it done so i fasted for about 14 hours and god was my chest tight when i woke up this morinng u guys know that i cant fast much nemore and its hard on my body even if i barely eat all day i still have a lil something b4 bed just for i dont wake up with the chest pains but i have to go back thursday morning so thats another fast im not complaining i like not eating its just my health isnt good and it hurts my chest so much but o well

i did go to the gym after i drank my protein shake on the way i didnt wannapass out at the gym and i even did a lil extra workout there as well sincei wont b able to get there much this week i burnt total of 721 cals there yay go me
so workout log for today
*65 mins elly level 5- 465 cals burned
*35 mins elly cascades hill workout level 5- 256 cals burned

i went to the grocery store after that cause my fridge is like empty i only had like 1 banana and some applesauce in there i alwasy wonder what cashier think when they see me and what im buying cause i get werid combos of things sometimes and weird numbers idk im just weird and its all healthy excpet for my lil treat i only go shopping once a week so i alwasy get myself something lately its been mozzysticks and jalapona poppers yeah i know i shoudlnt have them the dariy and the wheat ha but app i like pain and i just snack on those all day and then go right backt o restrcting i know my head doesnt really make sense not one bit but its who i am and i cant change the way i think

so at the store i got
*4 bananas
*3 apples
*2 mangos
*2 lb bag of cherries
*unsweetned almond milk
*mozzy and jalapona poppers

im planning on just realzxing now the rest of the day i have a tummy ahce from the diary i should throw it up but the boy is scared enough so i wont i already threwup twice this month and plus its so hot out in the 90's today and my room doesnt get ne air thru the window so yeah i just aly in front of the fan and dont move its been like this for a few days we went from cold stormy chilly tofucking hot as well but its suppose to storm tomm and break the heat so we will b back to the 70's instead of the 90's

so u know how u guys all dont like my doctor cause he is an ass adn doesnt listen to a word i say to him well i get home from all my running around today and my mom looks at me and says ur aunt called adn im immediatley thinking soemthing is wrong cause thats how my family is one bad blow after another and iknew she was going tot he doctors today we go tot he same one and im like whathappend and yeah nuttin happened but app the doctor is leaving at the end up june he didnt even tell her the lady at the front desk did so guess who will b finding a new docotr now yes me i go back to c him like next week or osemthing so mayb he will tell me but whatever teh boy wants me to go to hes doctor cause hes nice and listens and doesnt yell at u i gotta look into all of it

well yesterday we had apicnic for memorial day we alwasy have iton that day at the same park in the same spot but of course sinc emy otwn fucking sucks and like to celebrate shit ugh but neway app it was the 150 year anniversary of the town (whoopity fucking doo) i couldnt care less but they had all this shit at the park venders and performances and stuff the one cool thing was they did land a black hawk helicpoter and we got to go up and c it yeah only cool thing about the day yeah but neway back to my point we were gonna cancel the picnic cause it would b crowded there but we do it for my grandmother shepassed away wheni was in high school but she loved going tot he park for picnics so we keep the tradition alive we coudldnt b int he same spot as we alwasy are but we still had our picnic i was gonna walk up like i usually go do but it was way oht yesterday and ive been having trouble with my leg again not a good thing so i drove up and we coudltn park int he park cause of the stupid celebration so i just parked on a side street and walked over the lil bridge into the park. i wasnt planning on eating nething there since the food would of made me sick neway and i ate osme skittles and an apple b4 i went but a couple hours into the picnic i started to feel really bad and i mean like chest pains and the pain between the shoulder blades(idk what that is but ihave been getting it alot lately) and my left bood hurt(y just the left i coudlnt tell u) and then my stomach felt like something was tryingt o claw its way out so i had 2 carrots, 2 cucumber slices, 2 cherry tomats and some chips it helped alil but not much but then we wnet up to the park and playe dmy lil cousins were there we didnt get to play much it was just so hot and sticky and sweaty it was gross and the slided were way to hot to even go done i did climb up and down with them for alil while though and of course they had to run up to the park and back so chased after them. we played duck duck goose and tag for a lil i even took my like 18 month old cousin on the swings he love it kept laying walked him around to c all the army trucks let him sit in them he even sat in the helicpoter it was cute and he loved it. i even got to meet my lil couins the new one shes like 5 weeks or so now but i was the last person to meet her everytime my cousin would bring her down i was at work and coudlnt meet her but i did finally the first time i held her she cried she was hppay in my autns arms and iw ent to hold her and seh balled her eyes out she didnt like me but by the end of the day she let me hold her shes so tiny and percious and innocent i just love babies i reallly do i cant wait ot have one of my own someday. other things happened that say as well but my mind isnt working right so yeah thats the jist of it though o yeah i had some macroni salad and pasta salad as well there fucking killed my sotmach and then the ice cream truck came so of course had to get sometihng i got a small italian ice the guy was nice he mixed the bubble gum and cherry flavors together for me it was a good combo.

me and the boy had like 2 talks this wkd i didnt c him friday nite he went out with the boys hes been thru alot so i dont blame him yeah i miss him like fuck but he needs to clear hes head and everything and he went out sat nite as well but he came over after and asked me to comeoutside and i did and we juts talked he sat in hes car and u got me leaning into the windo this takl had nuttin to do about my ed for once but like our of the blue he asked bout my birth control hes like how affective is it im like 99-99.7% i coulnt remember the exact number hes like so its that if u do something too like condom we use the pull out method and im like no its that effective all on its own hes like really im like yes im not lieing to u so hes like i dont have to pull out then im like no u dont hes like y didnt u tell me this before and im all like i thought u knew hes like no i thought i had to do something else and im like no so yeah we kinda deicded that we arent gonna use the pull out method nemore and ima just take the birth control idk were that came from it came out of the blue and i know u guys are gonna say we are stupid for just relaying on that but we have been togehter for nearly 8 years and i txted my twin the next day and she said that he prob just wants to b closer its liek the next step and i know its a risk but really its a risk im willing to take u can call b stupid if u want but iwanna b as clsoe to him as i can it will b 8 years in july i love him so much but after we decided the new way we were going to do stuff he pracically like pulle dme half way thru the window to kiss me so i guess he is happy so when i c him this weekend it will b scary and exciting all at the same time cause ive never done that b4 not with him and not with the guy i was with b4 it was alwasy pull out of condoms but like i said its a risk im willing to take

we got to hang out sunday though since he had off on monday cause of the holiday i had to work 11-630 so when i gothome i showered and changed and he came over and we just hung otu outside since my room is so hot and we just atlked and just spent time together he made me sit down though hes like uve been on ur feet all day uhave to sit we got talking about my stomach im like if i cut out everything that makes me sick im really dizzy like really dizzy hes like u have to have sugar ur blood pressure drops enough and we have to figre out whats wrong with u a cure or a pill u use to live off of salds and now u cant eat them nemore it was jsut a quick convo we had a longer one later but neway we went to the moives with friends well hes 2 friens and their girlfriends i like the one girlfriend shes the one that came to new yrok with us and blatimore laste summer the other one i dotn c much but we saw the hangover 2 it was ok the first one was way better he kept trying to get me to eat since i didnt eat dinner we went for a drive b4 the moives and he offerent to buy me ice cream he knows i love my ice cream but i didnt wanna get sick b4 the moives so i didnt have ne but at the movies he bought me a box of the crazy cores skittles he got nachos gave me some with out the cheese and hes friend gave me 2 pretzel bites idk what is up with those 2 feeding me im not that small i weighe din at 103.6 that day so im not tiny im 104 right now gained a few ounces

but neway after the movies we came back to my house and just sat in front of the fan yes its that hot but he pulled me into hes lap and just held me and we talked more bout myhealth that i have to find otu whats wrong cause he knew soemtihng was off at the moives my chest was hurting but ididnt want to scare him but he said that he understand that but i still have to tell him he has to know that hes lost so much already he cant lose me idk what all was said but i knoew he is scared an di dont wanna sacre him nemore i dont but i dont think i will ever get my health back but he says that sometihng has to b realy wrong that its nt right that i cant eat nething with out being in pain nemore that it came on all too sudden so he wants me to make the doc help to make him figure out what is wrong he also told me i have to start sleeping more cause im looking really tired he know si have inosminia he knows how hard it is for me to sleep and i pnly ever really sleep when he is there he doesnt understand it i try to explain it to him i feel safer when he is there i feel like nuttin can happen to me that he will protect me from everything so i only really sleep sleep like once a week but heknows when my head is extra bad cause im extra tired hes like my head is constnatlygoing too right now not like urs iknow urs is bad an di cant help that wish i could trust me i wish my head would stop as well ugh

ok wow ij ust rambled on there for awhile i really didnt mean to ijust got carried away but iahve 2 pics for u the otufit that i wore to work on sunda just cause it was relaly cute and then the ourfit i wore with him on sunday nite

saturdays outfit




sundays outfit( i wore a yello zip up hoodie as well i started to get cold as the nite went otu boy thought i was nuts)




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liesel and lyz-thanx guys i want them out more though i havnet got there new album uyet kinda broke i spend mto much money on books i need to get it thoguh

violet- thanx hun im far from gorgeous there is alot more work to do but i do likemy hipbones i just wish there were out like that when i was standing

ayden-im sure u look great as well an di alwasy think im fat no matter what weight im at its jsut how my fucke dup head works

displayed and marie- thanx both of u for commenting

scared blogger-im glad ur back i missed u and got worried but i udnerstand that soemtimes u just cant put into words what ur feeling

jordan-thanx hun i like my stars too when the guy drew it he didnt even see my stomach jsut he had the cruve perfect o a rib tattoo nice make sure its osemthing u really want and can live with forever

americaneagle-thanx hun idk how i coudl b ur thipso when ru tinier then me but thanx the comment meant alot ur welcome for the music it keeps me calm i listent o it alot and ur right i think alot of use can relate to that song yes i love rise against as well. thanx for the hair comment and no not side bangs i have normal bangs my forhead tend to break out he most and the bangs hide it

gianni-idk how uguys c me as thinpso im sitll huge but thanx the comment makes me feel better

bones-yes music is def that thanx hun i look kinda funny blonde it washes me out but it doesnt stop me from still coloring it yeah summer as finally came here to the northeast ha took it long enought and thanx hun

coffee, aly and violet- thanx for teh hair comment means alot

displayed- im not shooting of rrecovery well not nemore at least i just coudlnth andle it it just drives me crazy makes my head even more nuts then it already is. im in new jersey hun so i know what u mean about the heat i like it htough since im nomrally cold neway it makes me feel better and i eat way less when its hot and not even cause of my ed i just alwasy been like that i work in retail hun so i cant snack on nethng while im there andi cant have drinks on the floor thats y i get dizzy cuase im sitll not over my dehyradtion so i only get to drink on my break it sucks

miniandmerry- im just alwasy hetic nuttin ever slows down ever it sucks im sue to it but it still sucks

adrianne- yay for liquid fast just becaerufl hun

i want to be perfect-thanx for the hairy reply hun

lyz-thanx hun i hae to fix it again though ugh i can never get it right

displayed- o yeah i put my heair thru hell all the time it keeps me calm someimtes though idk im werid

mich-thanx hun yeah its not natrual it just colored that way its not taking right nemore for soome reason idk y though i wish my hair was longer though it pretty much doesnt grow past tahtlenght we dont have central air i have to pu tmy aci n but parents wont do it yet i like the heat it keeps me warm im alwasy comeneway i need the heat but osmeties the humidity is just way to hot