11/30/10

ok so im being crazy again and ima attempt to b healthier to not put my body thru this hell nemore my heart has been really bothering me lately and ive been binging alot and eatin not much during the day and then eating way to much at nite like late nite.

so in an attempt to try and b healthy and not have my heart fail me ima try this again.
ima be healthy ima lose weight healthy which is gonna b hard for me cause idk how to b healthy or nomral i either ate way to little or way to much there is no middle ground for me no nomral its either restircitng or binging so i have aplan.

ima do 1200 cals a day i know the number is so scary and so high but its a healthy normal but also not a normal person amount of cals.l i can still lose weight on that it just wont b dramatic and i can get healthy i can stop having my heart going all crazy i can stop being dizzy and sick i can stop almost passing out at work.

so 1200 cals a day or close ima try and no binging or really late nite eating. im still gonna take my green tea pills and my diruetics. ima try and avoid hard cored diet pills though and try to avoid laxs. going to keep taking my vitamins an dmy fish oil pills. and def need my exercise. i cant functin with out my exercise so im still going to exericse.

im going to try and follow my low sodium low cholestrol diet the doc put me own years ago and then yells at me when i dont follow it so i gotta find the sheet for that. i watch the sodium amount in the stuff i eat enway and if its over 500 mg of sodium i dont eat it unless im binging then all reasoning goes out the window.

so yeah and no junk im cut out chips and dairy well the dairy is cause it just makes me sick but i eat it cause i crave it and i crave it cause im allergic yes i realize that its werid but the more allergic u are to soemthing the more u crave it trust me i read up on it.

so its pretty much healthy eating and ima drink water, tea and juice no soda or alochol which i dont drink much of neway soda just hurts my stomach and me and alcohol have issues.
ima have oatmeal in the morning for breakfast if i eat that in the morning thenmy heart is usually ok well it doesnt bug me as much as it would when i dont eat it.

ihope that all makes sense my thoughts are all over the place right now.
i went tot he gorcery store today i got:
*walnuts
*pre cookes chicken strips
*bananas
*3 mangos
*6 apples
*jello cups
*rice
*frozen veggies
*2 cans reduced sodium chicken noodle soups
*2 boxs v8 soup

also went to target as well:
*24 case of water
*3 sobe life water0
*2 boxes tea
*hair dye(really need to dye it again eventually)
*pack of razors(the shaving kind not SH kind)
*coldmedicine(its winter im always sick all winter)
*harry potter books 1 and 2(yes im giving in and am finally gonna read them evneutally)

i dont understand y the day i decide to do all my running around it rains it wasnt suppsoe to rain til later today but yeah it started raining at 10am and hasnt stopped since and its suppose to rain all day tomm and harder as well

i did go tot he gym b4 i did my store hopping i did 65 mins on elly and burnt 486 cals my chest hurt so bad after cause i went full force the last 7 mins of my workout i was covered in sweat after i love a hard workout but the hway my heart was beating so fast was just crazy.

watched beauty and teh beast last nite he love that movie
got a job interview tomm bright and early 830am its for a part time teachers aide postion if i cant find a full time job ima need 2 part time jobs i dont really wanna work 2 but u do what u have to do.
i will let u know how it goes tomm
i still gotta figure out what ima wear but i will do that in the morning

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dolce0thanx hun and im glad im not the only one with crazy under eye circles i hate mine though

mich-yes its a book and u shoudl read it trust me on it it explains alot more. im sorry that u dont ahve a good gym around u i acutally go out of state to my gym good think about living right on the boreder

honey-yeah i knwo what u mean but sometimes it doesnt make me vomit it just makes me really uncomfortalbe it depends on the situation i guess

11/29/10

so i woke up this morning feel extremely exhausted even more exhausted on the days that i dont get ne sleep at all. and i acutally sleep last nite i was laying down around 2am watching the food network and nest thing i now im jumping awake at 8am idk if i passed out caus ei never lseep like that an di wasnt rested at all not one bit

i walked downstairs and mom takes one look at me and says u look pissed im like im not pissed mom shes like u look mad no tired u just dont look good u didnt sleep much again did u im like mom when do i ever acutally sleep shes like yeah true

she my mom has sleeping issues as well they arent nearly as bad as mine she just takes naps during the day and then she wonders y she only sleeps a few hours at nite well mom hmmm i wonder mayb if u didnt sleep during the day u would sleep at nite hmm yeah think about i

my eyes look even wrose then yesterday if more puffy and red and i swear the bags under them are getting bigger and bigger im never going to look rested cause really i never am acutally rested.

went tot he gym again today :) she my gym is an old movie theater each of the cardio machines hace a tv on it and they kept one of the movie rooms and have machines in there as well with a big screem everyday they have a different movie playing in the room and one a certain channel of the tv's. the same movie just plays on repeat the hole day. if its a movie i like i will work out til i get to c the hole thing. today the movie was twilight as u all know i am a big twilight saga junky so u know that i just had to watch it and all of it no matter what. i did start to feel bad from working out for so long my legs started to hurt really bad and i was starting to get alil dizzy cuase my heart was just working way to hard but i did it i watched the hole movie and owrked out. i spent my time on the elly :) did 2 seperate workouts on it cause i had to in order to watch the hole thing so i did:
*65 mins on elly level 5- 460 cals burned
*45 min on elly level 5- 317 cals burned

which is a total of 777 cals burned ha for some reason ijust love that number mayb itsjust cuase its the same number repeated idk but i like it.

i messed up today and ate to much yup u ready here it is
*low sugar maple and brown sugar oatmeal
*kaiser roll with butter
*salad(lettuce mix, 1 kosher pickle, 4 cherry tomatos, 2 and half breaded chicken stips, italian dressing)
*2 huge chunk of brownies with ice cream and strawberry syrup on top
*apple

the chicken strips were frozen so ijust cooked them in the microwave fuck me for eating so much i gotta stop that and i gotta stop witht he dairy its fucking killing me the stomach pain the nasousa the acid reflux im allergic to dairy i shouldnt b eating it but i crave it so much causeim allergic to it and i avoid it some days i can avoid it so eaisly and the some days its jsut all i crave and all i want ugh

i gotta find some dairy free recipes some tastey ones i love my fruit and veggies but sometime i just want something different so if neone has some good recipes that dont involve dairy send them my way o and i dont eat red meat only meat i eat is chicken. and it has to b low sodium i cant have alot of sodium(blood pressure) and can have white bread(hurts to much) or butter(that fucking kills). so if ne1 has ne recipes that u know match that strict diet plan thing send them my way u can leave them in a comment or u can email me at danirkt@hotmail.com(that is also my msn so u can talk to me as well)

work hast called me yet c the schedule gets emailed to u and my email said that iw as off all this week and i asked them about it they said they would look into it and call me so im waiting for their call. so since they havent called yet the plan is to go to the gym in the morning somtime for an hour at least if there is a good movie on then longer for i can wathc it and then go to grocery store i wanna get myself some safe food. mom got me more lettuce and cherry tomatos today so i dont need that but im planning on getting:
*more canned soup(not in the mood to cook my homemade soup so going to buy canned low sodium ones)
*precooked chicken strips(for my salads ive been wanting chicken salads for awhile now so)
*walnuts(pre sliced candied or normal depends on cals)
*bunch of frozen veggies
*fruit(not sure what kind yet
*yogurt(gonna look for non dairy kind)
*juice

an dmayb a few other things i will look around and c what catches my eye i usually just get a basket but mayb i will get a cart depending on how tired i am ifim to tired i def wont b able to carry around a heavy basket.

i also took laxs today my stomach just felt of bloated and gross so i took them. i got the generic maximum strength walmart kind. it said take 2 pills so naturally i took 6 lol. theya re working already and it hasnt even been 6 hours yet normally laxs take abuot 10 hours to work for me but this time it started working at 5 and hlaf hours. the cramps are lessenign now though soi had one nice good big movment and then one other lil one so we will see how the nite goes.

i skipped dinner so i will prob have a snack b4 bed if i really need soemthing its usually jsut some bread or some chips i hate eating late but i seem to b doing it alot lately i gotta stop that.

i wanna b 95 lbs by xmas and if ima meet that goal i have to start getting really strict with myself and get this weight off of me already ugh im so fat and gross

hope everyone is having a good day i love u all

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sarah-yeah u are right there but its impossible to please them im sure they would b more excepting if we went to church but my dad ddint raise us that way and i think they resent us for that cause they are very religious

desesperee de maigrer- omg yes please can i please have some recipies i will love u forever,. i get alot of stoamch achesno matter what my stomach is all fucked up

beautifulbones-thanx hun we can both do it

mich-yeah i dont get it either trust me i dont

11/28/10

so i acutally got osme sleep last nite it seems like every saturday i just crash its likemy body just cant handle it nemore and i sleep whihci guess is good but it doesnt help much my eys are still puffy and red i still got huge bags undermy eyes they are just permanet sincei never sleep enough and my eyes are still tired and they hurt

but i got some sleep last nite now back to barely not sleeping what a fun life i live fuck i hate insomnia its a bitch an evil bitch but of course it wont let me go so i will just deal with it ive dealt with it for so many years now whats a few more

even when i do sleep i never sleep thrut the nite and i mean never i always wake up mutliple times a nite but insteaad of waking up ever 30mins to an hour i sleep for 2-3 hours then wake up its just an endless cycle i envy the ppl who acutally sleep they ahve no idea how hard it is to b tired all the time to just push urself to make it thru the day cause ur body is just so tired and all it wants to do is sleep but it cant its not a simple thing ppl are like just lay down close ur eyes and sleep but i cant do that ive enver been able to do that its just not how im wired my breain is always thinking constanly going i cant just sleep never been able to just sleep ugh

but neway had to go visit my aunt and nano today i only go visit them when my sis ishome from school cause we go together its better to go in groups if u go by urself they really double team u but if its a group its not as horrible well its still horrible just not as bad

we visited for an hour and in that hour it was just horrid its like we are never good enough for them cause we dont go to church we dont eat when we go there like they always say u girls should know better dont eat b4 u come for we can feed u but we always eat b4 we go cause we dont want to b feed well me in praticalur at least and its like every time we go gotta remind them that i cant have nething acidic or dairy an di dont eat meat well just chicken. always get picked on everytime thats y i never go up but i got my visit out of the way today so im good for a few months i hope well a month at least sinceim sure we will have to c them on christmas ugh thats gonna b fun.

i ate way to many donut holes today i shoudlnt of eaten them at all they have dairy in them and its killing me they didnt make me throw up just bad stomach ache and very nasouses and my acid reflux has been thru the roof horrid all day today i hate it i just want it to stop already im tired of it the constant uncomfrable feeling in my throat and chest and then the wet burbs and just ugh i hope none of u ever get acid reflux and if u have it my heart goes out to u cause im suffering right there with u

i went tot he gym today the first time since the 16th yes its been that long i was just so busy with work and tired from not sleeping that ijust didnt make it there i wanted to i wasjust to exhausted but i went today and i did 65 min on elly i was so tired while doing it but i made it thru the workout ended up burning 475 cals so thats good

i have to go grocery shopping this week im outof my salad stuff and almost out of my fruit so iw ill def have to make a trip to the grocery store some time ugh ihate the grocery store.

well im off to read and do crunches i feel so fat and gross adn ive been slackingo n my cruncnhes
i will update my book page though i have too

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acka11-thanx hun and he really is an di def will watch thema ll love it

beskinny-omg u have no idea how crazy it was it was like ppl everywhere everytime u turned around someone was there and asking ur questions and making a mess of the clothes that u just folded and organized ugh ppl

bellaana-i am exhausted im always exhausted but im ok i promise hun im fine and i will b fine yes my check willl b good i cant wait to get it idk when exactly i get paid though new job and all but its direct depoisted so i will have to wait and c love u crazy

11/27/10

wow so working on black friday was crazy and so tiring i could barely keep my eyes oepn to drive after that day was over i never worked in a store that was busy on balck friday b4 u know tanning salons and chocoloate stores dont offer crazy black friday deals.

i didnt update yesterday cause i worked 10-7 then came home showered and changed and went out with the boy there was no time to update at all. i burnt 530 cals yesterday just walking around accorindg to my pedometer watch i prob would of burned more but i acutally sat down on my breaks had 2 15 min one and one hour long one. i brought in a salad with me for my hour long break they got everyone pizza and chips but i cant eat that stuff. but it was crazy i would fold osmething and walk away and come bacdk to the section like 30 minutes later and it would b a mess again i was getting really tired of folding.

but me and the boy went to red robin after omg my head was poudning so much by the time we got there that i acutally ate more then nomral and he was surprised im lik ei do eat and its helping my head like he knows i eat i just never eat much but i acutally ate yesterday had 5 onion rings for appy and then my meal wa smy ever popular apple harvest salad no cheese dressingo n the side this time it acutally came with lil slice of bread soemtimes i get it sometimes i dont this time i did so i ate the bread all the apples out of the salad, the walnuts mosto fo the chicken and some of the lettuce. it was more then i normally eat.

he gave me my early xmas present. he got me 2 collectors edition of xmas movies one has 10 moives on it and the other has 7 and they are all the classic old cartoon ones that i love an dhe knows i love them so he got me them and gave them to me early for i coudl watch them b4 xmas god i love him.

my inosmnia is really kicking my ass lately im barely sleeping an di mean barely i take like 30 min cat naps and thats it and its really wearing me out like today i thought i was acutally going to just fall over i could barely keep moving but i managed to stay upright and not fall over no matter how much i watned too

i worked 8 hours today and i didnt take my 15 min breaks i just took my hour long food break. me and my one coworker had break at the same time so she asked if i wanted to go eat with her so i said yes and yes it was werid and iwas freaking out but she was really nice and she talked alot. we went down to this one pizza place at the amll and i got a small garden salad with grilled chicken and a large lemoande she got a wrap that came with chips and apickle. i ate about half of my salad and i drank all of my drink i was just so damn thirsty and then this one pretzel place was given out free small coffee so we got a small coffee the combo of food and coffee hurt my stomach but i managed to make it thru the rest of my shift at work. idk when i work again cause they messed up my schedule but the one manager said he would call me when he figures it out and said that i did good today. i like it there its juts tiring and i dont wanna work in retail the rest of my life. accordint to my pedometer watch i burned 718 cals today.

b4 work i went to walmart and target i had a lil extra money so i decided to get myself a few tings u know as a lil treat. so at walmart i got oth season 6, beauty and the beast on dvd and box of sweet tarts. at target got 2 mags, a calander, and 2 books. the only thing i sitll need to get myself is a jacket which i will do eventually.

food wise today ithink i did pretty well at slice of apple pie and 1 waffle for breaky then snack was 3 rice cakes and a pretzel b4 work and then dinner was the salad and lemonade and now im snacking on some sweet tarts which are really sweet and i prob wont eat nemore.

imight have a lil snack later idk what it will b though.

ima try and get updated on all ur journals but im so tired and my eyes hurt that ijust wanna lay down and hopefully b able to sleep a lil so dont b mad if i cant get updated
i love u all and stay strong

11/25/10

hey everyone yes 2 post in one day im juts really bored hanging in my room we didnt go newhere for thankgiving my mom just cooked an di just ate alil of waht she made and its not agreeing with my acid reflux or my dairy allergy i though i checked all the packages but i guess imissed soemthing

it keeps trying to come back up and i keep swallowing it back down i dont wanna throw up i havent thrown up in what over a month now an di djust dont wanna not intentionally or unintentionally today is one of those days where my body just doenst want it so it would b an unintentional throw up but i dont wanna so its gonna stay down.

my mom didnt even get me a fork out she got everyones forks and plates out and not me shes like well u never eat with us so i forgot to get u one well thanx mom u came up and told me to make my potato cause the food was done but ud ont get me a fork ok whatever.

my family ate so much my dad was gong on hes second plate when i was still in the kitched trying to make my first my sis had like biscuits on her plate plush a shitload of other stuff an dmy moms and bro plate was full and they were talking about coming back for 2nds and shit idk how my family eats so much but yeah i shoudl b use to that they all do eat alot.

i had one lil plate of food and that was it mo has apple pie and pumpkin pie as well so i will have alil piece of apple pie it doesnt have dairy i checked and u know i cant resist me some apples lol :)

well it was snowing here earlier yup snow in jersey lol it was suppose to rain today but the temp dropped alil lower and it snowed it didnt stick ont eh road casue that was till to warm but it stuck to everything else it stopped snowing awihle ago though so its not bad at all out there its just fuckign cold as hell but thats winter for ya.

we won the big rivalry game ya go us it went into overtime first overtime ever in teh 104 years of playing but we won 3-0 yes it was low scoring we kicked a field goal in overtime and won it yay :)

but neway heres the outift that i have on today it was taken in my room in my full length mirror which is dirty sorry for that



and then my plate of food for tday dinner. it was lil piece of turkey with lil gravy cause the turkey was dry, lil soon of stuffing, lil spoon of corn, lil spoon mixed veggies, with small baked potato peeled and cut up and then one lil roll. there wa sno slat on ne of it cause i cant eat salt i just put a lil garlic powder on it instead




well ima go back to watching law and order marathon and i gotta do my crunches yet i think i might start readin unbearable lightness

back thinspo

so i was able to find some back thinspo thieres not much out there which sucks cause i love backs but here is what i found











yesterday i had my lil cousins for awhile i had 2 out of the 3 of them the older one started preschool and then she and her dad were gonna have some daddy daugther time and go to chuck e cheese god i havent been to that place in foreve ri wanna b a kid again and go and play
but neway ihad the 2 boys an dmy sis was home for schoolt oo for thanksgiving and she was so funny caus she hasnt seen them in like amonth and just there mannerisms and everything cracked her up but she had a great time and shes the only one who can get the one to nap when me and my mom are just home he wont nap but when my sis is home he will lay down on her andnap crazy
but yeah it was fun i got to c mycuddle bug and my wibble wobble yes nicknames i love nicknames

i had work yesterday as well they asked me to stay later i said i could stay an extra hour but had to leave after that and they said that was fine i ended up staying hour and 20 minutes longer cause i was helping someone and i couldnt just leave while i was helping her.
they wanted me to switch my black friday shift as well cause the one regulat employee cant/doesnt wanna work her shift im doing 10-7 and shes doing 3-11pm and they wanted me to do the 3-11pm but i told them i coudlnt i know thats prob mean and wrong but i dont wanna work that late and it say on my application that i cant work past 7 on fridays its theonly day i cant work past 7 so o well they didnt seem to mad and i stayed later that day so yeah i can b flexible just not on fridays hopefully they understand that.

but since i stayed later got a 30 minutes break and i went to walk around the mall just once b4 i sat down for the rest of my break and yeahi found out that subway closed it was the healthiest place at the mall and its no closed now all we have is pizza place and chinese so no eating mall food for me i really like subway u can get veggie sandwhich there ugh damn mall but i will just have to bring my own food from now on my 5 hour shifts i dont bring nehting with me ijsut eat b4 i go in but on my lik e9 hour sfits ima bring some food prob a salaf or fruit bowl cause i get tired from constatnly walking around i burn a good amount of cals but i get dizzy and tired and stuff

food log for yesterday

breakfast
*3 egg whites
*english muffin

lunch
*bag frozen green beans
*few honey wheat pretzels

dinner
* tomato herb soup
*mango
*few honey wheat pretzels

snack
*dinner roll

so far today i just had some dry bran flakes and an english muffin
its thanksgiving and my mom is cookiing for the first time in years so ima just have alil of what she makes wel i cant have the rolls or the potatos cause of the dairy in them but ima have a lil turkey and make myself a backed potato and then have some veggies
she also got some apple pie as well so i'll have alil piece of that as well

well im off to shower straighten my hair, do crunches and watch the game(yes im sure u dont know what im talking bout but here my town and the next town over have this huge tday game tradition 104 years straight. they are rivals like big rivals and dontplay in nomral seaosn because of the seperate states but every thanksgiving they play a game they play it at the local college stadium cause it sells out every year. and they paly it on tv so ima watch that since im not going this year.

love u all stay tsrong
have a great thanksgiving

11/23/10

wow 200 followers damn i never thought that many ppl would read about my boring life but wow im so happy yay thank u all for following

sorry ididnt updtae yesterday i was completley dead to the world an di layed around alot and just tried not to move yes i was that tired idid take my mom to the grocery story but besides that ijust layed in bed alot yesterday

had work 2day i love wokring i love being busy and having things to do i love being able to leave thse hosue cause really i have to now cause of work so yes i love my job even though im completely spent by the tiem i get home and my feet hurt and my body hurts but i love it.

worked 2-7 2day got another 2-7 shift tomm and then black friday 10-7. we all have to wear the same shirt friday and they only had larges left the girl is like aww hunny im sorry its gonna b so big on u but do something fun with it so i was thinking long sleeve shirt then the shirt we have to wear with a belt arount it then a skirt leggings and im debathing on convers or boots and high socks or no high socks need opion there guys.

but i love all the ppl that i work with we area ll crazy and insane and outgoing and i love it. i totally forgot to take my break cause i was juts working an di didnt pay attention so i was demanded to take my 15 with like 45 min of my shift left os ijsut sat in the back dirnking my water talking to another coworker while she ate her dinner it was nice to get to know her.

i havent gotten tot he gym at all this week and idk if i will tomm i have 2 out of the 3 couins in the morinng and then work in afternoon. the older one as school yes she started school so we just got the 2 lil boys that will b a workout and then being on my feet at work that will b a far share amount of cals burned. ima c if the gym is open on tdat if it is i will go in the moring cause i wont get there firday i gotta work and i'll b exhausted after so yeah. but tomm i get to learn the register yay i wont b running around like a crazy person for a lil while i get trained on it :)

i took mom to walmrt today cause she needed to get a few things and while i was there i decided to pick up a few things i got hair ties, and 2 different types of clips and always tic tacs a gossip mag and a book( thirst number 1 by christopher pike)

i still need to get hair dye but i didnt get it today cause idk when ima ahve time to dye my hair i need time cause i like to do my hair 2 different colors so yeah i will do it eventually though and when i do i will post pics promise

food log

breakfast
*low sugar oatmeal-120
*2 slices wheat toast-180

lunch
*grilled chiken salad(lettuce, 1 hard boiled egg no yolk, kosher pickle, croutons, cherry tomaots, grilled chicken, italin dressing)

dinner
*tomato herb soup-90
*brown rice single serve cup-230

drinks
*mug green tea
*2 liters of water

exercse
*over 15,000 steps taken(pedometer on at work)- 416 cals burned

ima have a snack soon ish i just dk what it is yet

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skinny_el-omg yes its so exhausting but hey so worth it

mich-def not the only wacko trust me on that one

dolcecaramel- its water mix so check in that section target and walmart also have them as well

bellaana-i got my pedometer at target

11/21/10

wow am i tired had my first shift at work today and having those 3 months with out and then doing a 5 hour shift is so tiring. my throat hurts from talkng the hole time im tired from constantly being on my feet. but i loved it i really like working there and all the ppl are just so nice. i baiscally spent the hole time just walking around folding clothes and organizing didnt get trained on register yet. but i can tell ima like the job already. im waiting for my shceudle to get emailed to me for i know when i work again. but just working there for those 5 hours burned 315 cals according tomy pedometer watch.

i have decided b4 my shifts that ima have a good meal for i have energy and then after iw ill have something small like soup or salad or soemthing. and i wont take ne pills b4 i go in either the pills will b taken after. ithink that will work out good.

mom deicded that she wanted to make me lunch b4 work so she made my some fries and 4 chicken nuggets in the oven it tasted good and im sure that i burned off most of it i know didnt burn off all but i def burnt off most at least half or more. idk that exact cals of the food.

ive been up since 2am i ended up crashing at 7pm sat nite and then woke up at 2am. once a week i just crash my body gets so tired from barely sleeping all week that by the time sat comes im wiped out and i end up sleeping like close to 8 miles and then i feel like shit cause im not use to sleeping that much. so yeah ive been up since 2am now.

the boy came over after the bar fora lil so i got to c him took him home at 6am and theni had a small scoop ice cream. at 10am had an apple at 12pm few pretzels then around 1230pm had the lunch mom cooked me and just now i ate a cup of tomato salsa soup, small salad and a few chips. think it was a pretty good day.

so gonna relax teh rest of the nite and read and watch tv

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frozen beautiful- nope i dont live in pa i live in new jersey righton the border of pa and jersey though so im in pa alot but yeah lehigh is in pa

lilah lee-ha my blog was in ur dream reallyt hats weird and also funny yes no more eating ur roomates junk

acka11-dont give up keep applying everywehre even if its just seasonal work u cant give up some1 will call u u just gotta keep trying and yeah i pracutally live off of fruit i dont like much food

mich-haha yeah 9 earrings they just go all the way up and god i love the pain for piercings but its to quick at least the pain with the tattoo last longer :) i like pain

nee-yay for us thas great we are both working now

dolce caramel-yeah they do one packet is 10 cals so i split it into 2 bottles so 5 cals per bottle they are really yummy

11/19/10

outfit



weight 101.4 bmi-16.9

had my orientatin for my new job today i basically spent almost hour and half filling out paperwork all those stupid tax forms and then watched the video. but i can pretty much wear nething i want which is a good thing and i asked about my earrings cause i have 9 holes in each ear and she said piercings jewelry and tattoos are fine cause they all have them so yay i dont have to take themout and i can wear my braclets to hide my self harm scars on my wrist. i start on sunday though work 1:30pm-6:30pm and i would get 1 15 minute break in that time if i work longer then 5 hours then its 1 15 and 1 30 min break and if u work all day u get an hour break and a few others i think im really gonna like it there she said she wants to get me trained for i can hopefully work register for black friday im a quick learner so that shoudlnt b a problem. but i will let u know how sunday goes though when that time comes.

took my mom to the bank and grocery store this morning b4 i had to go to the orientation she bought me a jar of pickles yay go mom i love pickles. but ive been dressed since 730 this morning and on the go since 11 well i took mom out at 830 but that doesnt really count cause i came home and relaxed a lil b4 heading out to the mall

but after the mall i went to target and shoprite to get the things i needed since i now have money i can get my things and not have to depend on my mom to buy it for me that was killing me

so at target got:
*3 vitamin water 0
*3 sobe lifewater 0
*crystal light drink mix green tea peach mango
*lipton green tea decaf tea bags
*celestial true blueberry tea bags
*flinstone sour gummy vitamins
*unbearable lightness by portia de rossi(i coudlnt help myself i had to have it)

shoprite
*pinapple
*cashews
*3 del monte 100 cal fruit cups( 2 blueberry 1 mixed berry)
*2 bags bella romaine lettuce
*salt free rice cakes
*cherry tomaotes
*old london croutons(dairy free)
*2 boxes maple brown sugar low sugar oatmeal
*tropicana light mixed berry juice(10 cals per serving)
* 3 mangos
*bag of green apples

so im all good with food for awhile so i shoudlnt have to go next week unless i run out of fruit it depends on how much of it i eat.
but i got the rice cakes to bring towork with me those will b my snack on breaks and the oatmeal will b my breakfast or my meal right b4 i go in it gives me energy and keeps me full

going to the lehigh university wrestling match with the boy tonite soima relax alil since ive been runnign aorund like a crazy person all day so its relax and read time b4 i have to get up and fixed my hair and eye makeup

food log so far
*130 cals worth of promgrante lemonade juice
*cashews(ate a few tomany it started to hurt my chest)
*liter of water
*mugh of decaf green tea

love u all

__________________________________________________________________
sarah- i love broccoli as well but green beans are my fav

happiness is ont he outside-im glad that ur getting help and im always here for uhun just remember that ok yeah mom doesnt even bother me when i hide i tell herim having a hiding day and shes just like ok whatever gotta love that

dolcecaramel-yeahi m scared my kids are gonna end up being fuckedup like me as well but i will love them regardless and just try adn raise them right im sorry that ur havinga tough time but im always here for u hun

believe and thin_envy-thanx both of u and uw ill get down that low evenutally just stay strong

11/18/10

wow am i tired so this will just b a quick update
i had my lil cousins today they are such a handful if i dont have the almost 3month old in my arms im runnning and playing after the other 2 had them from 10-3 2day and i was constantly on the go the only time i got a break was the lil half hour nap i took with my cuddle bug i love cuddle up with him him just laying on my ches so warm and soft o i want a baby someday i cant wait to b a mom in the future

but neway lets c we went outside for alil but it was chilly so we didnt stay out long. me and munchin did puzzle i ran after her brother alot an dits always up and down up and down hes alil wibble wobble kept tripping over hes own 2 feet but yeah idk we did alot more as well but it was all just a tiring blur or funiness might i add i hate spongebob and we watched like almost 2 hours of it cause they just love it so much that show is so stupid

i have to get up and get my room cleaned upand theni have to repaint my nails and do my crunches then ima just relax and read and watch tv for the rest of the nite im beat

o and we donthave ne heat in the house fucking house thank god we still have hot water though fo ri could take a hotshower in the morning but dad has to fix the furnace and who knows when he is gonna do that but im lucky i got aliol space heater in myroom so that will keep me warm but i was freezingthe hole time downstairs

scale said 101.8 this morning i hope its even less tomm morning. it prob would of been less this morning but my heart and chest were really bothering me last nite and when its that bad i gotta eat soemthing so at likie 1130 at nie have 1 small scoop frozen yogurt and 1 home made cookie they helped my heart but made my chest hurt so much from the dairy i didnt get sick though i can eat dairy in very lil doses and its just chest pains but if i eat to much of it then my head is stuck inthe toilet and i have no desire to c the inside of the toilet ne time soon.

i was downstairs making my oatmeal this morning and oms like almost 5 batches of cookies and tis almost gone already im like momits not me i can only eat 1 if i eat more i get sick shes like iknow its not u its me and ur father they alwasy complain about eating to much and shes wants to lose weight but then she makes cookies and brownies o geez mom wonder y ur gaining and not losing hmm guess there ass fuck ugh

food log
*low sugar maple and brown sugar oatmeal
*pretzels(sncked on while wathcing the kids)
*few bites waffle( the middle one was sharing it with me no butter of syrup though thank god)
*6 small tootsie rolls
*bag of frozen broccolli
*small scoop frozen yogurt

drinks
* 2 mugs tea
*2 liters water

im not planning on eating nething else today but we will c how my heart is

tomm ihave the orientatin ting for my new job so gotta go in fill out paperwork and watch the video
and then after that ima go to shoprite and get me soem safe food
_______________________________________________

jessica-i dont dowell wihtout working i need stuff to keep me busy i hope u find one

bellaana-yeah im not good at the hole flaunting thing ilike my hiding im good at hiding

helen-thanx hun

frozen beautiful-aw wow idont hink my blog is that interesting but thanx hun if u even wanna eamil me its danirkt@hotmail.com

becky- im 5'5 wait did u get a job too or the not feeling well thing?

broken- i cant eat salt im not suppose to high cholestol and blood pressure its bad for me toeat salt

anna, nee and mich-thanx guys

thin_envy-yeah i know its the only good thing about working retial is ur constatnly busy no time to eat and ur right u get to c skinny girls and it makes it easier to not eat but m y town is full of fat scumbags ugh but still. yeah i know its hard to come by i have a hard time finding it as well and i love reading ur blog

beskinny- i know right i like jumped up and down :)

happiness in on the outside- dude i never hide form my email or my computer or the internet im always online as u can tell when i hide i mean hide in my room dont leave it done leave the house i could never hide from my computer yes old navy shoudl b a good job and in easy one i'll b in organizing heaven

11/17/10

so guess waht lovely ppl we got osme good news for once in my god damn life :) i got a call today from old navy rembmer i had my interview on monday well they called today and said i got the jump fuck yeah go me i rock im the best :) im so damn happy u have no idea this past 3 months of being unemployed as been driving me crazy but now i got a job and soemthing to look forward too and i will have money omg fuck yeah :)

so i goin friday at 11am to fill out the new hire paperwork and watch the video she said about 2 hours for that. and thens eh would tell me when i really start for i can get my training and everything.

i ran down the steps and nearly feel to tell my omo shes like ur running in guessing its good news i also hit the lamp too ha well its not a lamp its the light fixutre in the hallway that is old as fuck but really nice but i wacked it with my hands but neway
i got a job heheh happy dance every one





im having a hiding day today its not on purpose i just wasnt feeling well when i woke up this morning. im really shaky and my legs are weak and tired and my heart is bugging me, its hard to concentrate more then nomral andmy teeth really hurt.
so im hiding today in my room well i took my momout this morning she needed to get football tickets for the big tday game for my bro and sis so i took her to get that and got gas in my car as well.

but spending the rest of the day hiding in my room. ima prob repaint my nails, watch tv(oc is on right now) and read and i def will do crunches idk if iw ill run in place htough since im not feeling so great.

i nearly feel down the steps when i ran down them cause im just so weak
but the scale said 102.6 this morning well after my shower 2 apples some jello water adn tea so i hope that im smaller then that

i will have my offical weigh in friday and get the real number
so food log so far
*2 apples-120
*sf jello-20
*peppermint tea
*water

im planning on making a huge salad for lunch and then having 2 apples for dinner i might try some frozen yougrt later or many some pretzels idk we will c
but love u all

__________________________________________________

ce-thanx and i know red robin is amzing isnt it

lou-thats the first time ne cashier has done that to me an di have bought alot of diet pills and stuff thruout the years

sarah-thanx hun i guess my luck is finally turning

deseperee demaigir- my sotmach is acutally doing better surprisnlgy but ive been staying awawy from the things that make me sick so thats prob helping

11/15/10

i had my interview at old navy today heres the outfit that i wore. its a dress over a long sleeve grey shirt and grey leggings with flats




so the interview went good in my opnion that is the 2 girls that interview me were nice really crazy and they go off on tangents on vampires ha they were talking about true blood and they love to read i love to read too and i love vampires so its a goo dmatch if u ask me but neway the first question she asked me was so tell me about urself and yeah i didnt do well on that one im like ummm yeah idk shes like its an open question r u in school i told her i wasnt that i have my associates in accoutning shes like yeah thats a hrad market to get into im lie yeahi know i cant find a job in it. but she asked what i like to do when im not working i said that i loved to read i always have a book with me shes like what do u read im like nething i will read nething shes like we love vampires around here im like thats my go to i love sci fi fantasy aboce all elsethey they went off on their true blood tangent lol it was funny. i ecplained my old job which was hard cause idid so many different things at once and she explained the job i would b doing its like cashier,helping customers, dressing room al the stuff im like im fine with that. we went over hours she said it would mostly b days til like 5 or 6 im like im good with that on the app i put that i coudlnt pwrk late on fridays shes asked how late an di would of said 3 but i though that would decrease my chances of getting the jobs so i said 7 at the latest ( iknow friday is date nite but we never go out b4 7 neway). they asked weird questions. um one was what is ur biggest accomplishtmen i said graduationg college cause i wasnt palnning on going at first that i took a year off and it took me time but i finally did it and graduated. another was fashion like style its hard to explain my style but i said i love to layer nething colors patterns i just love layers and i love old fashion shes like old fashin like waht decade im like 20'30's she like flappers in like yes. they asked like commitments and how woudl u hanlde this and that and some things i never had to deal with but i basically said that im a hard worker if i say ima do something then ima do it i get my work done i dont push it off on neone else and im really good at mutlitasking trust me if they saw me at me old job they would of seen then i can mutli tasklike no other. but the interview went good she kept saying great excellent an di was a lil ackward but hey im an ackward person but i smiled alot and laughed with them and i talk with my hands alot gotta love teh italin in me. but she said they ahve a few more interviews but she wouldletme know by the end of the week. i hope that i mad ea good impression and ihope that they liked me i really need a job and iw ould b good working there i love to prganize and keep things clean and lord knows i can work a cash register. so i just gotta try adn stay postive and hope that i get it.

after i decided to walk the mall al il to get alil more exercise in so i took my ipd out and put in out and walked around the mall 3 times now my mall isnt big but hey its something and i stopped and used my last couple dollars to get myself a drink otuof the vending maching i got a sobr fuju apple cranberry drink hole bottle 15 cals and it taste good so i made a good choice. after the mall i went ot walmart i needed to restock my stock i hate walmart with a passion but target doesnt hav ea good diet pill selection so my stock is all filled now as u can c i got 2 mags, box of laxs, box of fat burners, and 2 boxes of diuretics. wihle i was checking out the cashier guy is like this all for u im like no buying it for some1 and he acutallly carded me i never get carded and idont understand y he had to ask that like nosey much well app he is very nosey.




im getting sick well a cold at least i hope it doesnt turn intot a full blown sickness my nose is stuffy and running, my head is cloudy and i get random headaches. my throat is sore. and to top it all off i think that my wisdom teeth are coming it they hurt an di feel pooking ugh c i never got them out i have had alot of mouth work done but i have never got them out they never caused an issues and since i havent been tothe dentist in 6 years yeah. c guys ive had alot of mouth work i had braces of 8 years i had allm y baby teeth pulled cause they woudlnt fall out i have had mouth surgry and i have also had them attach chains to teeth and have them pulled to a different spot in my mouth now can u c y i haven tbeen tot he dentist in 6 years once i go tmy braces off i was done i coulndt handle going there nemore. i take care of my teeth i brush thema ll the time to make suer thye saty good an di know my purging isnt good for my teeth but thats one thing that will awlays b there with me but i havent purged in nearly 2 weeks yay go me :).

i hav e anew plan well sorta its just for dinner right now see i hate going downstairs to get dinnerwhenmy dad is home lie u guys know i think i takled about it b4 so i suallly waited til 1130pm and then went down and got food cause he would b in bed by then well yeah i got tired of eating late at nite so today i deicded every morning or afternoon i would cut up some fruit adn buy it inmy fridge upstairs for i can eat that at dinner time. itihnk its a good idea :) and right now ima have oatmeal for breakfst and prob soup and salad for lunch. it worked goor for me today well so far at least

so far today i had had bowl low sugar oatmeal, i fun size pull and peal twizzler, 1 bite brownie, cup tomato salsa soup, salad(lettuce 6 pickle chips 3 baby carrots), liter of water, cup of green tea with promgarnte, cup of chicken broth, bottle sobe fuji apple cranberry.

i cut up 2 apples earlier for dinner so i will ahve those and mayb some jello and also some more water as well
my head is really starting to hurt so i should prob take some meds soon.

went tot he gym today i wanted to go early but my bro spent an hour and half in the damn bathroom this moring so i had to wait til he got out but i still got a good workout in neway did 65 min on elly level 5(450) then 18 mins steppy level4(74). then the 3 laps i did around the mall i didnt have my watch on so idk how many cals that burned.

sorry i didnt update yesterday i was feeling really tired an di just couldnt concentrate.
but date nite was on sat last week so we went to red robin well first we watched the flyers game together and then we went to red robin i had apple harvest salald no cheese dressing on the side. also he got extra fries so i could have some and for the appy he always ordrs mozzy sticks but i cant eat those nemore so instead he got appy combo mozzy sitcks and onion rings i had 3 onion rings dipped in campfire mayo, i dippe dmy fries in maraiina sauce i also gotta b dipping my fries and stuff i now im werid u can tell me that.

but i got a lecture on how i bring my sicknesson myself thati eat things i shoudl b eating so it makes me sick i told him that idi cut ouot everything i cant eat then u woudl get mad cause it wouldnt b much food i can eat.
i got a lecture on how i shoudlnt b eating candy or fries imonly allowed to eat fries with him on fridays and teh candy he said is really bad for my teeth
now i know that i shoudl b eating that stuff i know that but when some1 tells me i shouldnt eat it i rebel and eat it ima rebel i hate rules they are meant to b broken.
and i hate driving at nite and he always makes me drive when we go out and he know si hate it panick when i drive my chest hurts but i can drive and ive never beenin an accident i just freak out when i drive now im fine driving during the day and im ok driving at nite when im in town but as soon as im driving somehwere were idk wher i am going or if its nite time and imd not in town its bad hes like u really dont like driving at nite hes liek it scares u im like yes it does i panick u know that heslike y si it scary im like idk its dark and i cant c and the headlights and i dont like it in all tense driving at nite and i tap my finger constantly he tries to keep me calm but when i make a mistake i get a lecture.

now guys hes not contorlling trust me on that hes just really opinoated and i love him i lovehim more then myself and if wasnt for him iw ould b dead already so dont hate on him to much ok

ok ima go read all the ur grea blogts and get caught up
love ua ll

___________________________________________________________

believe-c ivenever beent hat high adn 102 is high forme but dont worry i will b careufl im not gonna ocmpletely stop eating again i wont it nearly killed me last time so yeah tankx hun

anorexic medic-aw thanx hun yeah its to much sugar thoguh tis giving me headaches but thank u and i know did it healthy stuff as well so that helps

mich-thanx love god bk is evil i hate it and i dont liek eating it but its all we have in town an dwhen we dont feellike driving to pa thats what we eat and yes we will b 95 by xmas ur closer then me though jealous

happiness in on the outside-wow u got out of it lucky i wish i coudl get out of it expcet small town we dont have many options im always here for u hun u know that for support or just to talk

sarah-yeah i do alot fo ab work im addcited and yes start out slow thats all u can do and u can work urself up to more

courtney-thank u love c i dont feel like an inspiration or thinspirtional or nething like that but thank u hunny stay strong

11/13/10

outfit



now my hair i did the hole braid going across like a headband thing thought i would share it with u guys




sop last nite i had to eat burger king i though he wasnt gonna make me wat dinner cause he wen tot the football game and i thought he was just gonna eat there and then i wouldnt have to eat dinner then yeah i was wrong he wanted to go to bk and get soemthing to eat soi had to get soemthing as well he got me the tendergrill chicken sandwhich meal. i was suppose to eat 3/4 of it but i could only get half in b4 it started hruting to much and yeah it took me 45minutes to juts eat that lil bit he kept saying to take my time that there was norush. but im like its just somuch food i dont eat this much i havent eaten this much im awhile hes like r u not eating again(he hates when i completely stop eating) im like no ive just been eating soup. hes like now that u got ur money u can do ur own shopping and buy ur own food and u can eatmore and different things im like yeah

but imnot gonna do tha ti like eating my soup yeah i'll get salad and veggies and fruit but imnot gonna go and start eating alot more stuff hes crazy to think that

my goal is to be 95 lbs by xmas so i really gotta buckle down and strat being really strict with myself i have been eating way to much junk lately its pathetic

i was still 102 lbs thismorning ugh i really hate that number ive been seeing that number way tto much lately

i went for a walk today and i didnt feel well it was kinda crazy and scary i wasjust like walking around ina haze my legs just felt like lead and they were so weak an shaky and i coudlnt concentrate at all i kept like swaying when i was walking an di coudlnt walk in a straight line ibet the ppl who drove by thought i was drunk or soemthing idk. buti cut my walk short cause of that usually i walk to the store get a drink then take the long way to the park then walk at the park nthen walk home but today i jsust walked to the store got my dirnk and apple slices and then turned around and walked home.

i brought extra money with me so that was a good thing so i coudl get the apple slices they were precut and everything and only 50 cals and i thought they would help me feel better and they did a lil i ate them on my walk home they made my chest hurt a lil though. i also got a 20 ounce hot green tea as well.

my sis is home this wkd form scchool and shes fucking crazy buti love her to death she juts walks into my room randomly and lays down love her and then shes all jumpng around taking pics god i wish i had her energy. she tripped over my scale and goes hi scale i wont b stepping on u netime soon. yeah she gained a lil weight at college not much barely ne but she wants to lose it but she justlike food shes crazy like me like we are both nuts but i got the real bad food issues. but im so jealous of her hair its so long almost down to her waist i wish mine would grow out that long but it doesnt it stops at a certain length then jstu falls out ugh but whatever nuttin i can do about that i guess

so i ate way to much today well way to much junk at least i had one piece of choc, tootsie rollsa nd starburst ugh i gotta stop eating like that. i did also have a banana, apple ,slices and a small salad.

the boy is coming over later and we are going to watch the flyers game :) and then go out to eat so i gotta eat dinner again today ugh i really am getting tired of food.
my sotmach is getting so fat and gorss i hate it enough of this ima lose weight img get skinny and perfect and fragile and broken :)

_________________________________________________________________________

alice-yeah my walls are covered in posters, collages, pic i colored, and the computer backgrounds i made ima run out of room eventually and then ima b mad

beskinny-thanx hun i hop ei get the job as well and then i can collect and work and get myself above water

mylifeisanepicfail-thanx hun and they are nuttin to b jealou about they coudl b better

happiness is ont he outside-yeah im addcited to my curnches i wish my stomach was better though it still looks huge to me though. and im gald ur gonna get help u desrve to b happy and clean and yay for kid tunes

sarah0 i just do alot of crucnhes normal ones wit feet flat on the ground, ones were ur hold ur bent legs up at a 90 degree angle and then ones were ur legs are straight up int he air i do at least 1000 a nite

marsh.sarah-yeahim not happy were im at i gotta keep gong gotta lose more weight ugh i have tomany credit cards im with ya there wish i never go tthem but i needed themt o build credit for i could buy my car. i was so stressed out for while like since i lost my jump its just a big weight lifeted off my shoulders imnot really happy just not stressed im always in constatn depressed state

11/12/10

so i got pics for u guys today. ive been up since 3am so i got bored and u know gotta keep teh mind buys. i dont have an outfit pic though cause we arent going out tonite hes not making me eat dinner so i'll prob just dress ocmfy since we are staying in but we are supppsldy going out tomm so i will post apic of my outfit tomm.

so first off we got pics of me. i dont htinki lookne skiinier i think i look fatter and grosser and just ew im 102 lbs as off today and that is just so fat and huge and gross and i relaly have to stop eating so damn much i just wanna stop eating all together. so we got me laying flat on my back, front view, side wiew and then my back.







and then we have teh collages i made when i coudldnt sleep this morning i made 3 of them. u shoudl of seen my bed after it was jsut covered in magazinesand clippings nad just a disaster






so like i said above ive been up since 3 am i only sleep 4-5 hours anite sometiems less but nomrally its about 4 hours and that 4 hours is never like a good 4 hours i cant sleep comfortablly im always tossing and turning or waking up its hell but im use to it and the permanent dark cirlces under my eyes just say that but hey i learned to function n that lil amount of sleep. well i just layed there fro about anhour listening to my ipod theni took some pics and watched some tv aroun 5 i got up turned the tv on and got my mags and paper and scissors and glue andmade my coallges did that til about 730am then i read one chapter of the fic im reading.

at 8am i took my mom to the bank and then we went shopping like normal. she got me all my ingreients for i could make more of my tomato salsa soup which i did imade it today andmy 2 containers of it are sitting nicely in the fridge downstairs god i love soup. she alos got me bananas, 2 boxes of v8 soup and this huge bag of twizzler jolly rancher mix. she feelsabout tha i cant eat the candy that she buys so she buys me stuff i cane at and since the halloween candy is on sale i get alot of it so now in my room i got trocial fun size starburst, oringal fun saize starburst, fun size skittles, fun size pull and peel twizzlers, fun size cherry twizzles, fun size flat jolly ranchers, and dum dums. and yeah they are all in seperate bags seperated by brand yes i know im a ocd freak u love me neway. ima try adn apss some off on my sis when she comes home for the wkd cause i dont want all the candy in my room i guess the only good thing is that its eatiher low fat or no fat so yeah bright side there.

so i got a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders today found out that i am finally getting my unemplyment benefits they depoisted the money in my account all the back pay since ive been filling since september but as u know i got denied then had to applea had to talk to a judge and then wait well today i got all the notices for the weeks that i was owed so yes. i gave mom the money she gave me for the credit card bills so now i dont owe her nemore. and i took sme money out for i have some money inmy waller. got myself a 20 ounce hot green tea while i was out and got my mom a milkshake as well.

so now i have money i can pay my bills and buy my own food and jsut not have to worry and if i get that job at oldnavy then id b even better off cause u can still collent and work part time at the same time and i really need the extra money i really need to get my credit cards paid off i hate how high they are ugh. but ims o happy that they gave me my money and they finally admitted that i deserved it and they owed me it so yay for that god i felt so much better when my mom walked up shes like i think its good niews cause she had like 6 things from them 5 of them saying that the depoiseted the money and the other saying when i had to claim them again.

i got my crunches down already today i didnt go tot he gym cause i nomrally dont on friday but tomm is suppose to b very nice surpirsinly so i will prob go for a long walk.

i didnt eat or drink nething til 1pm today i would of kept going but my head started to pound really bad so i knew i needed something.

food log
*sf jello peach-40
*apple-60
*3 tootsie rolls-32.4
*1 pull and peel fun size twiizzler-40

drinks
*32 ounce hot green tea
*liter of water
*cup chiken broth-10

and ima make 2 bottles of water with crystal light mix shortly i love that mix

____________________________________________________________________

beskinny-yeah iknow that could happen im kinda hoping i have a full time job by then though i hate working retail but i have to do it right now and jsut keep my fingers crossed that i find a fullt ime job soon

bellaana-ha machine thats a new one. my mom is just nuts im use to it trust me everything was all good today

broken-thats just how my parents are crazy and insane but hey what am i gonna do about that im an exericse addcit i have to work out as much as i do no matter how tired i am

happiness in on the outside- i do cover it i follow the directions when i make it ijsut have no luck and yeah my moms a riot ha crazy ass and i just do cardio and then crunches at home im not much of a weight person never have been i likemy cardio. welld duh of course u feel calmer and better sex does do that i love readng urs as well stay strong hunny

mich- idid cover it but it still decided to explode but hey what the hellaww thanx hun i just like to layer things i like to b al il diferent o keep reading it gets better the beginning was slow for me as well and ur the same as me u read like 5 different books at once its nice to know im not the only who does that

skinny_el-o i get cramps with them and if i take tomuch i get insanely sick thats what i get for abusing them in the past bu the tea is gentler then the pills i just drank to much yestrday so it hurt really bad thanx hun i just hope i get a job soon im going nuts

deseperee de maigir-o it really is u haveno idea

11/11/10

so i am never using the microwave again that thing is fucking evil and the ass fuck is out to get me i swear. it blew up my food today fine if it wants to blow up myfood for i cant eat it thats all good with me but does it have to make a mess whiel doing it like fuck ugh. i had to clean it 3 times today yes count them 3 times the microwave has never been cleaner let me tell u.

it kept blowing up my soup i was haveing the v8 vegetable soup i made a cup of it for breakfast blow up number 1 and then i made the other half of it for lunch blow up 2 and 3 see it blew up once during lunch so i took it out and cleaned it up and then i figured it woudlnt do it again but yeah i was wrong cause whe ni put it back in to finsih cooking it it blew up again so yeah fucker. that thing is potless now might i add

so yeah im never cooking soup in there again its gettign cooked on the stove from now on yeah just basically im avoidng the fucker as much as i can cuase i really cant deal with cleaning it nemore i just cant.

so my mom is crazy and drives me nuts and shes aphsycho path who just needs to shut up already. shes on my case about going tot he gym yes i go to the gym alot fuck u know that and really what ami suppose to do wheni m home all day jobless and broke and bored now i dont mind u know hiding in my room but i need my exercise it keeps me sane i need the sweat of a good workout i just need it exercise addcit it remember. but hey she did give me a good laugh today. when i got home from the gym my spot in front of the house wasnt open so i parked infront of th eneighbors house and i try and not leav emy car there cause they are scumbags and i dont trust them well i just got out o fthe shower and mom said that i could move my car so ijust throw her the keys cause heyim in a towel i cant really move it dressed in a towel. so i had to go throught th e hole thing of what button to push to unlockmycar then lock lik ereally ma just look at the pics so im standing downstaris watching her yes still in my towel and itsjust fucking hilerious watching her do it shes coudlnt park it and i have a small car a ford focus she finally gets it in the the spot and close enough to the curb she gets out adn goes the mirrors make things look closer then they are i just die fucking luaghing like really ma i never knew that fuckng crazy ass person that she is

i got a call for a job interview today it just for old navy and its just seasonal work if i get it id only been working til january but hey it would b a job and it would bring some money in which is what i desperatly need. the girl on the phone was nice pretty much said it would b days cause she has college students that come in at nite and do the night shift so i would b doing like 9-5 or 12-5 so i go tmonday at 3 for that interview in thinking bout wearing a dresss over along sleeve shirt and then leggings and flats. old navy is apretty lay back place so i think that would b good if u guys have a different opnion let me know please

i acutally got to mak emy won dinner today instead of waiting til 1130pm or midnite to get myself a lil something to eat for i can sleep with out my chest hurting. my parents left for alil today so i could cook dinner i dont like maknig my dinner when my parents are home my dad espeically cause hes alway sonmy case bout how i shoudlnt eat this of that thats bad for u thats bad for ur cholestrol r u sure u can eat that yeah u c y i dont make food when hes around if hes not buggingme about that then hes touchingm y shoulders or hips and going hmm mom told him i cant eat dairy with out thrwoing up hes like well theres alot of other stuff she can eat idk y he cares all of a sudden but yeah so neway backt o my point they left today to go to a veiwing soi coudl make myself something to eat a a decent time so i had egg whties small baked potato no skin and one slice wheat bread i washed all my plates and stuff right away for they woudlnt know that i made soemthing.

i just wish ppl would leave me alone already my dad espeically like just back off im not skinny so u dont need to worry im fat and gross and i need to lose a shit ton of more fuckng weight so they dont have to worry at least not yet.

i went to the gym today :) and the lights didnt go out so yay for that i did 40 min on elly level 5 burned 280 cals and theni did 40 min on steppy level 3 160 cals burned :) and then i cleaned my room afte rmy shower i reorganized my closet hun things up i picked up my room organized that lil and then i also vaccumed my floor as well so my room is all nice and clean :)

i drank 3 cups of lax tea an di use a big mug so i use 2 tea bags each time so thats 6 tea bags of lax tea and its starting to work now god stomach hurts o bad but hey its the things we have to do in order to b skinny andsmall and perfect an di will take the pain if it makesm y stomach look smaller

god i cant wait til i get my diuretics i really need them but no money so i gotta wait but its jus so hard cause i juts want them so bad need them

did my curnches already today but i will prob do more later as well im watching the flyers hockey game right now as of right now they are winning yay go them an di read alot today as well. feelinn for bones is just amzing im alil more then halfway thru it

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isla-yeah i dont get it either they should just let us b and thanx hun

pixiestix14-exercise addict here i gotta do my crunches or i go nuts
u can find the book description here http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Bones-Bethany-Pierce/dp/B002PJ4PHS/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1289524435&sr=8-1

happiness in on the outside- r u in theuntied states if u are i can mail u on eijust gotta save money for stamps. and diuretics are pretty much water pills they make u pee more so u lose water weight

sarah and lou-thanx both of u

mich-parents never listen do they like we try to tell them and theyjust dont listen in one ear and out th eother thanx bout the bracelts and i think u will really like teh book im more then half way thru and im addicted to it let me know wha tu think though

becky-yes my doc is clueless idki guess ithelps that ive always been underweight so he just thinks its a natural thing u know what i mean like ive never been high er then 115 and the 115 didnt last long that was during one of my recovery phases but it didnt stick what he really yells out the nubmer thats fucking fucke dup he should do that o i love reading as well and ur rigth reading and making jeweerly are great past times thats how i pass most of my time.
yeah i know we nee dhuman interaction but still it woudl b nice to get away for awhile though
and yea im being careful nope never been hospitalized i have passed out from dehyradtion quite a few times though and ihave had very bad kindey pain but i dont stop i need them and iusually just take like 4 at a time i try to not take more then 4 but soemtimes i do but hey im still alove so im ok

broken- im being careful with themi promise and nop eim not selling themi should look into that though

sarah thanx love

11/10/10

so i worked out in the dark today lol half way thru myworkout at the gym the lights just went off all the lights the tvs but the machines still worked so we coudl all workout. the only light was coming form the windows cause it was acutally sunny out today and then the lil back up spotlights that they have. i didnt mind working out in the dark i acutally liked it the only bad thing is that it made it harder for me to read my book. but neway did 35 min on elly level 5 burned 245 cals then idid 35 mins on steppy level 3 139 cals burned. always did at least 1000 crunches mayb more.

i really neeed to get more diuretcis cause im going crazy im addcited to those i take way to many and ive been out of them for a few days now and mysotmach is just so huge i need my diuretcis so bad ughbut im broke an dim debating about whether i shoudl use my credit card or not.

so my mom is just crazy insane she go tmy dad to buy her beer shes like the soda is putting to many pounds on so i want beer i go ma the beer is gonna put the pounds on as well shes like nope its less cals im like whatever u say ma.

srsly we have these cal talks like every few days she wants to lsoe weight but then all she dirnks is soda and berr yeah thats not gonna help at all but whatever she can do whatever she wants to do just leave me alone.

im reading "feeling for bones" by bethany pierce its really good so far im really likeing it u guys should def read it if u havent

so i really gotta stop eating junk its getting ridc junk wise today i had tootsie rolls the big fat ones id like 7 of those and some candy corn, few starburst ew i suck i know i suck and im fat and im gross and im wrothless and just ew

normal food wise 2 apples, 20 cals worth of sugar free jello, salad(lettuce, 2 baby carrots, 1 slice pepper, 1 hard boiled egg no yolk, pickles, lil broccoli and lil tomato), carrot and red pepper soup, and some bakes fries(mom made them for me ugh)

yes every once in ahwile she will cook food for me yeah thanx ma i really didnt want it but had to eat it so i had a few bakes fries. shes ocmes upstairs and opens my doors she like nowonder u didnt hear me yelling ur name i had my ipod on which is a nomral tihng she should now that by now i usually have it on.

so tomm ima go to the gym again in the morning and cleanmy room in the afternoon

so i spent the past 2 days makingsome braclets here they are




always made an an braclet for my friend M that i gotta mail to her i also have to make one for my frien K as well its stretchy with red beads and a butterfly charm




this is where most o fmy food came form today my lunch is the salad soup and one apple with cinnamon it took me 45 minutes to eat it ew fat ass i gotta stop eating somuch



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mich- i just wanna disappear to alaska somewhere where like barely nebody lives ihate ppl they annoy me

happiness is on the outside-yerah i made bracelets and read and did crunches i would of extended the hide day to today but i had to go tot he gym so im glad the docs went good though docs are funny osme times they weigh sometimes they dont mine are the same way

11/9/10

so im having one of my i dont feel like seeing neone days an din hiding in my room. these periods coudl go on for days were i just hide and dont leave the house but i dont let that happen this time im allowing myself to hide today then i will force myself out of th house tomm to go to the gym. then i can hide the rest of the day but gotta go to gym tomm need a workout.

mom gave me $3 for i can go for a walk and getmyself a drink but i dont want to i just wanna hide in my room and not c or talk to neone i only leav emy room to pee, get somemore to drink and the occasinal food thats it im not leaving the thosue today i dont care what ppl think i am staying in my room withmy laptop and tv and jjsut hiding.

ima read alot, watch tv, work on my site, make some bracelets, mayb a collage or 2 and i need to do crunches my stomach looks like shit atm i need it flat again.

yesterdya i feel asleep early thats y i didnt post i cant make it all the way thru the day nemore i can make it til 5 somesimte 7 but then i feel like shit i feel tired and weak and shaky and just like i cant stay awake or alive nemore so wheni start feeling off i lay down and usally sleep for like 2 hours which makes me unable to sleep at nite so i toss and turn alot. i dont sleep much as it is so if i nap during the day im screwed at nite its a sucky cycle but its been one that ive been stuck in for years.

but i figured out that i can eat dairy in little quanities and im ok it wont make me sick. lik ei can have 1 scoop of ice cream or 1 cookie or a lil choc and im fine well it hurts the fuck out of my stomach but it doenst make me sick or throw up in fact i havent thrown up since tuesday so its been a hole week yay go me. but as soon as i eat to much dairy its all down hill from there and im really sick

but i did find out that tootise rolls dont make me sick at all mayb a lil stoamch [ain but not much at all so ive been eating them well ive been tpractially living on them i will have a lil nutrionist food and then the rest will b tootise rolls i relaly gotta stop that though gotta stop eatign the candy its making me fat

i gave my mom a nice laugh this morning she though i was crazy casue i was making soup for breakfast thing morning shes like ur really making soup for breakfast im like yeah and shes like really im lik e yeah ma shes like ok if ppl can have eggs for dinner then u can have soup for breakfast.

i also snet out my application for teachers aide yesterday so gotta wait to hear from that and i should b hearing about myunemplyment soon like i had the hearing witht he judge on the phone a week ago so the letter should b coming soon.

soo are today. liter and half water, mug of calm tazo tea, mug of herbal lax tea, chicken noodle soup and way to many tootise rolls(addcitvie fuckers)

i already finished one fan fic today and i updated my site al il now im watching supernatural

ooo i finished torment by lauren kate yesterday as well u guys have to read the series teh 3rd book comes out summer of 2011 its amazing so addictive u have no idea
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bee-ur welcome hun i love following blogs

sarah-thanx hun and yes it was fun

anorexic medic- c i dont c myself as storng i just get thru what i have too and then go hide inmy room but htanx hunny

mich- my cheekbones really i dont thinkt hey are out that much and svu is the best really ne law and order is good lobe wathcing marathons of it they dont make me sick idjust dont c the poitn of 3d movies at all its like u have to pay extra money for the glasses and u have to wear them cause if u dont the screen is fuzzy like wtf and most of th movies they make in 3d dont need 3d ugh so annoying

beskinny-i wish i had meds for it mayb it would b easier to function but i guess sometimes meds dont work thanx hunny

11/7/10

my cousins bday party was good yesterday lots of fun and very tiring and it was only 3 hours but when u spend a good chunk of that time playing it gets very tiring. B the bday boy turend one and he was just all over the place from person to person running around so cute hes sis P was there as well of course ha but we colored, drew pictures, did a puzzle, and played tag. i was beat by the time i got home and endedup falling asleep early except i would like jump awake every hour of so so it wasnt much sleep the bags under my eyes are crazy but tahts nutting new.

but neway i wasnt planning on eating at the party cause i hate eating around laorge crowds i just hating eating n front of people in general but after like an hour of being there i got really tired and weak i started to get tunnel vision an di felt really faint idk if my mom or aunt noticed or something cause they said i coudl eat that they had salad up there. my aunt acutally walked up there with me and made sure i got salald with dressing. the salad had lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers, cheese and pepproni. i had small bowls of that(they had the lil plastic throw away ones) i didnt have ne cheese in mine though an di put a squirt of balasmic vinager on it. and then thru out the rest of the party i just munched on some tostios and pretzels. i didnt have ne cake though i wanted some but it was choc a) i hate choc cake and 2) i really didnt felel like throwing up fromt he dairy. i did have one cookie though it hurt my stomach like a bitch but i kept it down.

b4 the party me and mom went and did a lil more food shopping and we got B's present. we got him 4 of the cutest lil winter outfits ever and this light up singing play phone that i had a blast palying with. yes im a lil kid and i like palying with the toys my mom wont even take me into toys r us nemore cuas ei have to press all the buttons ha. well after we did that we went to target she felt bad that she got these huge bags of candy and i coudlnt have ne. but target has all there hallpoween candy on sale so she took me and got me a huge bag of candy corm, and an 109 piece of skittles and starbursts mix. she tooke some of the candy cornthoguh thank god and my bro took some starburst and my sis took some as well. but i orgainzed them in seperate bags cause there was the orgianl starburst and the tropcial falvor ones. we also went to the grocery store as well. she bought me a flagel(flat bagel) and a nice fruit bowl. when we got home i helped her put stuff away and we wrapped up B's present and i had tootise rolls ugh those are the devil o i got a small bag of those in my room as well. but like 2 hours b4 the party i didecde that i would eat soemthing so i would b ok at the paryt( as u can tell from above i ahd to eat there) but i had my flagel i ddint toast it or nething i just ripped it apart and ate it and 3 hard boiled eggs no yolk just the egg whites

im on an egg kick for some reason bu ti dont want them fried i want them hard boiled.

my sis came home for the party she got her xboyfriend/friend/current boyfriend(we arent sure of the status of their relationship) to drive her home. they both go to school in philly but differnt shcools and they wre together for overa year b4 they broke up but they are talking alot again. but neway he picked her up and drove her home and they we all rode up in my dads truck yeah we were squessed. mom and dad at front and then sis, boy, and bro in the back sit yeah my ribs wwere pressed against the door so hard. but it was niceshe came home andshe loved my hair she like jumped up and down she love dit shorter.

well that was yesterday
um date nite yeah we didnt do much he went tot hehigh school football game with hes brother it ended up being a blow out again so they left learly and him and hes friend came over after around like 930pmish. we just hung out in my room for alil wathcing 1000 ways to die god that show is stupid and the way ppl acutally died its like dude how coudl u b so stupid. but neway i was laying there with him andhes freind yes we all lay on my bed together ha but i was laying on my side facing the boy and he just ilke pulled up my shirt alil and started rubbing my stomach and then just looked at it weird idk y he did that i didnt ask i just let it go. but he really wanted to c saw 3d so thats what we did. he had to buy the tickets and snacks sincei still dont have money. but he got him self nachos with the cheese ont he side and he bought me a small popcorn with butter. i ate mayb like 10 bites of it and i just put it down i coudlnt eat it my stomach hrut so bad it got bloated and i felt like i had a rock in it. so he let me just have osem of hes nachos chips and he ate some of the popcorn. he didnt make me eat dinner though wichic was surrpising but i wwas happy.

now the movie yes the movie was good yes it wrapped up everyhting nicley but fucknghell it didnt have to b in 3d its liek nuttin even came flying at all nad u have to pay more for that shit cause u gotta buy the damn glasses andu have to wear the glasses casue if u dont the screen is a lil puzzy from the projectiont hey use but i wish they just made it nomral cause there was no need for the 3d.

today if orced myself to leave the house its so hard for me now jsut to get out of bed god i hate depression my body just hruts so bad and i gotta talk myself into leaving like onceim out of the house im ok yeah id rather be int he house on my bed but i cant spend allthe day there. so i went tot he gym today :) i decided tha ti needed a workout from all the day candy i have beeneating lately its like im not eating nehting nutritionist at all its just candy and i can feel the affect of it so gym and ima get back to my exteremly healthy eating. at the gym i did 35min on elly level 5 burned 233 cals and then i did 35 on steppy(stairstepper) level 3 140 cals burned so burned total of 373 cals.

i took a nice hot shoer after and tried to realx my back muslces god my back spasms are so bad and now im jsut writing this.
the rest of my day im spend it watching the law and order svu marathon that is on usa god love that show. also prob gonna read my book or fanfic. gonna make some bracelts. and i also gotta do my wash so gotta wash my clothes, sheets and comforter

so im off to start my laundry and make myself a huge salad. i will prob have a huge bowl of soup later in the day as well
love u all

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helen-thank u hunny that means alot

frozenbeautiful-thanx hun

sarah-thanx i like sahring my outfits with ppl and i also like to get other ppls opionons

anna-thanx hun im dong better well al il at least

dolcecaramel-hey hunny i will always b here for u u know that right im gald my support helps heres my email danirkt@hotmail.com if u ever wanna email me. c idc if ppl thati know read my blog cause really my family know si have issues and they dont snoop neway the boy knows about my ed and if ne of the ppl i went to school with find it o well fuck them i didnt care what they though make then so y would i care now

pixiestix014- they rent acutal real uggs they they are my fake uggs as i call them im too broke to affrod the real thing but thanx hun

happiness is on the outside-well go me for being in style except im not much for being in style but im not a hair dresser or nething im jsut crazy person who cut her own hair. and nope ur def not the only one out there trust me i die after a week but im in a serious relationship 7 years so it does die off form time to time but we try to doi t at least once a week u know and damnyeah i read ur pickle of a situation i hope my comment helped hun