srsly i suck major fail again today yup i purged srsly ugh i hate when mia comes to the party shes just pisses me off and its getting harder adn harder cause i have like no gag reflexes nemore so i gotts stick my fingers way down and it just hurts my mouth i don thave a big mouth its tiny so its hurts after but neway yes i suck u all can yell cause i purged and fyi chicken tenders coming back up not the best tasting stuff
now it wasnt on purpose and i didnt even binge i dont binge alot i usually just eat soemthing and decide i dont want it in me nemore an di purge
well today i wasnt doing well to begin with and thenmy dad wasnt home so mom wanted to cook us dinner it miakes her happy so i said fine we made us chicken tenders, fries and prirgerios. iw as already feeling way to full cause i just had a sanck and some hot choc so yeah i knew i was gonna purge it ijust had that feeling.
so i took 3 chicken tenders, 1 pierogries, and some fries with some bbq sauce went upstairs to my room ate it slowly walked back downstaris to throw my plate out mom asked if i wanted more i said no my sotmach hurt just in case she heard me in the bathroom.
walked back upstaris drank a bottle of water walked to the bathroom and purged. i didnt get it all up i know that much but i got most of it up. and im very quiet at it i dont make ne noise its very rare that i make noise when i do it so yeah but its so hard to get it up my face and chest is all red eyes a lil blood shot knuckles are evenmore red mouth hurts from me trying to put my fingers farther and farther down my back spasms are killing me from bending over my bad knee hurts from bending over the toilet. sure i broke some blood vessesl usually do
i rly gotta stop this purging i hate myself everytime i do i look in the mirror and i just hate myself hate everything about myself but i cant stop when my mia tendencies take over its bad thank god i havent gained nething from it yet since im not binging im not gaining im maintaining but im tired of my bloated stomach from said purging
sorry guys to disappoint u i know i said i wasnt gonna do it nemore but app i cant keep ne of my promises
ididnt even go to the gym this morning like iw as planning but i woke up with chest pains, my head was cloudy and i just had this really bad feeling like bad like if i left the hosue something bad was gonna happen so id idnt leave the house i stayed in my room the only time i left was to walk upt o the li conveint store with my mom she bought we soy crisps, cashews, and like diet 10 cal drink. i didnt drive newhere i didnt go tot he gym like i wanted to i didnt go to the job fair at the mall like i was planning i just coudlnt my chest pain lasted all day on and off and the bad feeling never left completly.
the only good think about wheni have one of my bad days(as i call them) is i get stuff done. like today i worked on my kirsten stewart board i neglected it for months when my ed got to bad but im working on it again
heres link if u wanted to chek it out
im spend the rest of th enite just relaxingsince now my heart hurts even more from the purge. then at 8 ima watch one tree hill at 9 life unexpected then at 10 16 and pregnant.
tomm ima go to the gym in the morning no matter how bad i feel
and its just soup and apples tomm :)
i gotta revise my plan a lil cause yeah i went to go make a salad today and yeah my lettuce is bad so ugh
i cant wait til i have a job again and im not home and im at work and busy and not thinking about food. i miss working i like working i like being busy and constatnly moving it helps me so much cause even if i am ahve a bad depressed day i still have to get up and go to work now that im jobless i dont have to if i have a bad day theres nuttin pushing me to get up and do things
i hate my depression i hate my ed or ed's to b more specific i hate my anxiety and panci attacks i just hate that i cant b anomral person that i cant just go out and have fun with our freaking out but i cant do that i panic when i drive at nite i panic when i drive in traffic i panic when i drive somewehre were idk where im going i panic in crowds i panic in new places i panic when ew ppl talk to me i panic wheni dont have my ipod fuck i cant go to the grocery store with out my ipod i just hate everything im always anxious and panicky
yeah yeah ima mess we know that iknow that the boy knows that ugh life sucks
but hey tis the like i was dealt and its the life that have so might as well make the best of it right i was born this way and i will die this way so