8/31/10

ok so i made this bakcground for my friend J she has beena mzing and il ove her somuch so imade htis for her and she said that i coudl share it with u guys




ok so guess who was a dork again 2day yup u guessed right it was me so here is more research for u guys:

Body dysmorphic disorder

• Preoccupation with your physical appearance
• Strong belief that you have an abnormality or defect in your appearance that makes you ugly
• Frequently examining yourself in the mirror or, conversely, avoiding mirrors altogether
• Believing that others take special notice of your appearance in a negative way
• Frequent cosmetic procedures with little satisfaction
• Excessive grooming, such as hair plucking
• Feeling extremely self-conscious
• Refusing to appear in pictures
• Skin picking
• Comparing your appearance with that of others
• Avoiding social situations
• Wearing excessive makeup or clothing to camouflage perceived flaws
Body features you may obsess about include:

• Nose
• Hair
• Skin
• Moles or freckles
• Acne and blemishes
• Baldness
• Breast size
• Muscle size
• Genitalia

Acute kindey failure symtpoms

• Swelling, especially of the legs and feet.
• Little or no urine output.
• Thirst and a dry mouth.
• Rapid heart rate.
• Feeling dizzy when you stand up.
• Loss of appetite, nausea, and vomiting.
• Feeling confused, anxious and restless, or sleepy.
• Pain on one side of the back, just below the rib cage and above the waist (flank pain).


Respiratory Failure Signs and Symptoms


• Increase in the heart rate is one of the chronic respiratory failure symptoms.
• Impaired functioning of the heart and blood vessels also indicates the failure of respiratory system.
• Inadequate blood circulation to the parts of body may be because of respiratory failure.
• People with respiratory failure may appear sleepy and confused.
• Urinating rarely is also one of the respiratory failure symptoms.
• The skin of people suffering from respiratory failure might appear bluish in color. This bluish coloration of the skin is referred to as cyanosis.
• The victim will suffer from acidity.
• Drowsiness and malfunctioning of the brain and heart are also signs of respiratory failure.
• Lethargy and shortness of breath can be because of respiratory failure.
• Impaired mental functioning is also a symptom of respiratory failure.
• Chronic cough and wheezing are the signs of respiratory failure.
• The victim may appear to be confused and may get irritated very often.

Liver Failure

• Nausea
• Loss of appetite
• Fatigue
• Diarrhea
• Jaundice
• Bleeding easily
• Swollen abdomen
• Mental disorientation or confusion (known as hepatic encephalopathy)
• Sleepiness
• Coma


Chronic heart failure symptoms

• Shortness of breath (dyspnea) when you exert yourself or when you lie down
• Fatigue and weakness
• Swelling (edema) in your legs, ankles and feet
• Rapid or irregular heartbeat
• Reduced ability to exercise
• Persistent cough or wheezing with white or pink blood-tinged phlegm
• Swelling of your abdomen (ascites)
• Sudden weight gain from fluid retention
• Lack of appetite and nausea
• Difficulty concentrating or decreased alertness

Acute heart failure symptoms

• Symptoms similar to those of chronic heart failure, but more severe and start or worsen suddenly
• Sudden fluid buildup
• Rapid or irregular heartbeat (palpitations)
• Sudden, severe shortness of breath and coughing up pink, foamy mucus
• Chest pain, if your heart failure is caused by a heart attack

When to see a doctor
See your doctor if you experience any of the signs or symptoms associated with heart failure. These include:

• Chest pain
• Fatigue and weakness
• Rapid or irregular heartbeat
• Shortness of breath (dyspnea) when you exert yourself or when you lie down
• Reduced ability to exercise
• Persistent cough or wheezing with white or pink blood-tinged phlegm
• Swelling in your abdomen, legs, ankles and feet
• Difficulty concentrating or decreased alertness

i think that i have the chronic heart one and i know i have bdd and i have a few syptoms of the other ones as well. u know me i just liek to research i like toknow sypmtoms of shit for i know when mine get worse then i know what i means

i know that my body is failing me and the boy knows it too u know i have accepted that i just dont wanna die yet i know that ima die young and i know that ima die from complication fro mmy ed i just hope i can keep myself alive long enough for i can marry paul and at least have 1 kid with him. i really wanna have kids someday so lets hope my body will still let me uknwo what imean

so there is a good chance that i might lose my job yeah over a stupid reason too. c for the past 4 years since ive worked there we can wear what we want as long as its not too hoochie or unapproapraite u know we have to use our own judegment and that has been gong fine for while. then recently he decided that he wanted us to wear shirts which fine u know whatever it makes it easier for me to get dressed in but he said he would buy us one but if we wanted more whe had to buy our own. well at that time i was work 6 days straight sometimes 3 weeks straight so ineeded mroe thenone shirt so i got the one that he bought us then 2 others and at that time i didnt have themoney. so he said that he would pay for it and then when ihad the money i coiudl giv eit to him. well i never gave him the moeny and he never bought it up which is a good thing cause i really dont have the money. wel im sure u guys remember a lil while back when iposted all hes new rules and shit well they go into affect tomm the 1st of sept. so needless wo say i dont have the khakis that we are suppsoe to wear i dont and i cant afford them trust me i really cant. is at here last ntie just thinking i have enough moeny in the bank for my car payment for sept my car insurance payment for august and the minumim amount i can pay on my 5 cards for spet i still dont have th emoney int here for my car inusrance payemtn for sept thank god that is not due til the last day of sept so i have time to get that in there.

but neway back to my point i was trying to figure out if i coudl get khakis an dyea it wa a big no cause the lil money i kept out form this check went to a fewthings i needed at target( ic uodlnt even get everyuthing that i needed cause i coudnt afford it) then some went to putting gas in my car, adn the lil amount i fhave left from that is what i have to saive for i can get myself some food at the end of the week i go thru fruit like crazy.l so after target and gas i have $30 left and that will b enough to get me fruit and hopefully salad stuff fruit is dman expensive especially bing cherries which im currently adcited too and the are $3.99 a lb yes expensive,

wowi really went off topic agian so tomm when i walk into work i will have on jeans not khakis and i will hav emy earrins in cause i refuse to take themout when they havent been an issue for the last 4 fucking years so fuck that. so if he wants to fire me then he can cause i really dont carenemore he has to understand that imnot made of money i struggle and i will continue to struggle caus i will not take handouts i can support myself im thankful and grateful that my parents let me live at home rent free and they still apy my cell phone bill but i pay for my own car, my car insurance, my 5 credit card bills, i buy my own food and nething else i need(clothes books etc) andi do my own laundry. like i will buy the khakis eventaully when ih ave th extra money and i can i willnot use my credit card for that cause im tyring to not use themmuch

and if he says soemthing i will say that and i will also say that i have to go tot he doctors next week i gotta hcave blood work done and idkhow ima pay for that as it is and i will prob have to use my cards too i just wish he would understand 4 of my cards have $1000 or more on them already one only has $200 but thats a store slcothing store and i dont buy alot or clothes. yes i have a high limit on all my card but i dont want them to get even close to that limit cause that means im evenmore fucked then i already am and i will not get myself into that much trouble and if he dones like it then o well

so if he does fire me at least i can collect unemplyemnt then and i can not b stressed bout this job and i can keep searching and looking for another better job that wont b as stressful or treat me like shit like this one does. and with the less stress then ican try and get back on track with finding a therapist and everything u know what i mean

so ima stop rambling now i think idk istill go tmore to say ima just ry and not ramble as much

at target i got:
*5 vitamin water 0
*5 sobe life water 0
*1 tube of chapstick
*2 .94 cent nailpolishs
*a small corkboard that i got on clearance
*and some push pins for said corkboard

the things i need that i cant get yet
*face wash
*hairspray
*hair gel
*gum( the car holder big pack kind)
*hair tyes
um and a few more htings that i really can think of right now cause my head is just a mess u know what i mean and u guys know how i get

so i have an intense urge to just rearrangemy hole room shich is impossible cause my bed takes almost my hole room so reorrganizing isnt an options but i so want to i hope this urge will pass
i hung up my corkbaord and i put my bloodtest paper on it fo ri will auctally remember to go and get it done the the 7th. im aslo going to put ont here all my credit card dates like then my payments are due i pay them all online so id ont get paper statements so i froget sometiem so ima write those down and post it on there fo ri remember
i also hung up 2 collages that i made that i found the things u find when u clean
im also gonna print out all the backgrounds i have made for i can hang them up
and when im down with all my crazy research i will print that out as well
i also started a book list of all the books that i want yes its 3 pages long and nope its nowhere near down it will prob never get down cause i always want new books

so i started reading "mockingjay" today and im on chapter 3 and its abspulty amzing so far i cant wait to read more the plan was to read all day today but my head wouldnt let me sit sitll for too long so i havent read nemore yet but im def going to try to later

im still trying to read "empty" i just cant read tomuch of it at a time caus eim like shut thefuck up with the relious god sht already i dont wanna read it

still working on pretty lil liars as well and i like it i really do and i will finish that one when im donne with mockingjay

food log so far:
*small banana
*few 2 many eddys dips(kept munching on them thru out the day)
*few chips def not a hole serving
*salad(3 romaine lettuce leaves, 3 slices veggie proein turkey, 1 kosher pickle, 1 apple, croutons)

drinks
*liter of water
*2 sport bottle of water
*sobe life water 0
*cup of hot tea

i willdef dirnk more tonite cause the boy has been on my back about not dirnkng nrealy enough casue i never drink nething while im with him at nite i hate getting up to pee all the time as it is and id rather spend time with him then having toget up to pee all the time

exercise:
*65 min bike-450 cals burnt
on the bike i kept it on level 7 most of the time but every once ina hwile i would out it up to level 10 and go like 100 rpm for 2 or more minutes yeah that was hard then after i would put it down to level 5 to giv emy ehart a chance to calm down then go back to level 7 it was a relaly good workout and iwas drenched in sweat after and i loved it

and oo yay i got to talk to my sister today shes been at college since thursday but seh called me today and we got to talk and it made me so much happiet shes gonna ocme home seom wkds not all but some of them so she wants me to come up to visit sometime and i will as soon as i can drive to philly witout pancikng yeah that will prob never happen but mayb the boy will drive me up

ok im really done now i love u all

8/30/10

so i made some more computer backgrounds over the past couple of days here they are:







ok and since ima dork and idk what to do with myself i did some research. c i suually work monday monrings but since he cup my hours im workinf 4-8 tonite and idk what to do with myself im not use to having my morinngs but neway i did research on the sypmtoms of different things. like depression anxiety panick attaskcs u know so here is what i did:

PANIC ATTACK SYMPTOMS
o Palpitations, pounding heart, or accelerated heart rate
• Sweating
• Trembling or shaking
• Sensations of shortness of breath or smothering
• Feeling of choking
• Chest pain or discomfort
• Nausea or abdominal distress
• Feeling dizzy, unsteady, lightheaded, or faint
• Derealization (feelings of unreality) or depersonalization (being detached from oneself)
• Fear of losing control or going crazy
• Fear of dying
• Paresthesias (numbness or tingling sensations)
• Chills or hot flushes

PANIC DISORDER SYMPTOMS
• Difficulty breathing.
• Pounding heart or chest pain.
• Intense feeling of terror.
• Sensation of choking or smothering.
• Dizziness or feeling faint.
• Trembling or shaking.
• Sweating
• Nausea or stomachache.
• Tingling or numbness in the fingers and toes.
• Chills or hot flashes.
• A fear that you are losing control or are about to die.

SOCIAL ANIEXTY ORDER SYMPTOMS
• Having persistent but unreasonable fear of a situation that involves unfamiliar people or being judged by others. The fear is that you will be embarrassed or humiliated by something that you say or do.
• Developing severe anxiety or panic attacks when in the feared situation.
• Recognizing that your fears are excessive or unreasonable.
• Avoiding social situations that you fear or enduring them with intense anxiety or distress.
• Avoiding or anxiously anticipating feared situations so much it interferes with daily activities and relationships.
• Worrying about being anxious


GENERALIZED ANIEXTY DISORDER SYMPTOMS
• Constant worrying or obsession about small or large concerns
• Restlessness and feeling keyed up or on edge
• Fatigue
• Difficulty concentrating or your mind "going blank"
• Irritability
• Muscle tension or muscle aches
• Trembling, feeling twitchy or being easily startled
• Trouble sleeping
• Sweating, nausea or diarrhea
• Shortness of breath or rapid heartbeat


DEPRESSION SYMPTOMS
• difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
• fatigue and decreased energy
• feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness
• feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
• insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
• irritability, restlessness
• loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
• overeating or appetite loss
• persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment
• persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings
• thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts



like i said im a ddork and i like my research i really wanna get help well medication for my panick attacks and anxiety and paranoia and depression but i kno wi cant just get away with that with out revealing my ed. yes i know i said i hwatned help and i do but my doc is a complele clueless assfuck so yeah im not gonna out myself and have him judge me more cause he thinks im fine when the scale says 105 they say good yup good so whatever.

idk if ima get on later since the boy is on vacation this week so we are spending every nite together

food log so far:
*choc chips-70
*small banana-75
*1/2 cup blueberries-40

drinks
* 3 cups hot tea(1 is sitting inforn of me know)
*bottle of water
*liter of water(sitting in front of me too)
*bottle mixed berry diet green tea
*medium unsweetned dd iced tea(sitting her as well)

exercise
*65 min elly level 10 kilamagro kill workout- 536 cals burnt

so i paln on making myself a nice salad b4 i go to work and then not eating the rest of the nite but sometimes the boy makes me eat so we will c how that goes

love u all

8/29/10

so date nite with the boy on friday nite went pretty well i guess ppl tell me i didnt eat much but i think that i ate way to much if u ask me ih ave me eating wy to much lately and i hate myself for it but neway we went to red robin. we always go there but this time the waitress sucked ass and she was annoying and i wanted to punch her in the face and i told the boy that hes like i am rubbing off on u well yeah duh 7 years together will do that crazy but neway alot of ppl where complianing about her she was running away like crazy forgetting things, messing up orders it took for ever to get our food and then even longer to get the dessert it was crazyiness. so i decded that i was gonna b noraml well normal in my world and get a soy bruger on a whole wheat bun instead of my nomrla appl harvest chicken salad. yes i know what ur all thinking normal is a soy burger for u ha yes it is i dont eat red meat i have never eaten red meat and if u ask the boy he will say that i have never ever inmy life ever ate like a nomral person. but neway i didnt eat much of it cause i realized that after i got it i didnt want it so the boy said " i have no prolbem with u getting whatever u want from newhere at netime but i want u to eat it so from now on no more soy burngers u get ur salad cause i know u will eat that" so look who just got her ticket to eat salad all the time and i dont have to eat normal meals yay for that. he knows me though and as u knjow he knows alot aboutm y ed so hes being more understaning aned letting meeat what he knows tha ti will eat for at least that i am eating u know. i got dessert there i know that i shoudlnt of but i love their hot apple crisps dessert i get it with out the carameli know the cals are like thru the roof fucking insane but i love it an dits the only time i eat ne kind of apple pie so.

food during date nite:
* 3 bites plain soy burger
*ate the top of the roll
*way way to many fries(he calls me the fry queen cause i prob could just live on fries and nuttin else)
*1 mozzy sitck
*3/4 of a hot apple crisps dessert

so i tol the rest of my burger home and the rest of the mozzy sticks as well. but red robin has a cloaw machine and the boy is addicted to the calw machine so he had to play it but he wont me 2 things yay :) love him for that no ijust plain out love him :) so he wont me a dolphin and a green floppy ear dog

yesterday (8/29/10)

bad bad day def a bad day food wise ugh idk y i did it and i stil hate myself for it so ugh but neway i had to work 9-1pm yesterday so im like ok if i eat my burger and mozzy sticks b4 work theni dont have to eat nething the rest of the day and i can burn that off so yeah i had the rest o fmy food in the moring well not all o fmy soy bruger but u know what i mean and theni freaked out but i kept telling myself that it would b ok and i wouldnt eat nething the rest of the day. well that didnt go as planned di's last day of work was yesterday and the boss deicded to throw her a party after she was down with her swim lessons yeah so he had fried chicekn, cowslaw, and pasta salad i mangaed to avoid all that ijust sat with them drinking my water but i coudlnt get out of the cake that he got her so i had to have a slice of cake it was vanialla cake and the icing was so fucking sweet it hurt my stomach so bad ugh.

but yeah the bosses gf is an ass andshe yelled a tme yesterday casue app she cant take a fucking joke welli wasn treally joking i was just being my sarcastic ass self and yeah well she bought a enw basket to put the tan towels in at work ugh shes gotta stop thinking that she runs and owns the place cause news flash she doesnt but neway the old basket had a handle that went up and around so it was really easy to grab the new one doesnt have a handle at all shes like look what i got and i got " o ayeah lets just make it hard for me to pick up thanx for tht" and i luagh whle i say this then she goes god b grateful for once in ur life im like i was joking and i said thanx and she walks away like fuck she needs toj ust leave me alone and stop thinkng that she can run my life and the store ugh. and then we were sitting in the room eating cake and one of the clients came in yes shes smaller in size but neay b4 she came in she lit a cig and had a fewpuffs nuttin wrong with that well not in my world at least and then the they are all talking saying wtf is wrong with her y did she do that yeah so the gf goes goes cause shes anorexics and needs to just eat already yeah i got up and left after thea comment

im tired of ppl assuming the wrong thing about this disease they ahve no idea what it is to have this disease how lonely and hard and depressing it is how the guilt from food weighs on u everyday how ur always anxious and just ugh and so on and so on and its like ppl assume that we just dont eat o yeah we eat but do we eat like them no we dont nor can we can

well enough of that rant cause thats just a never ending battle there ugh but neway i didnt get out of work til after 3 so yeah i didnt wash my car like i wanted to but i did apply to 2 more jobs one is a client assocaite at a hospital(its like clerical work, data entry and like greetin customers) and the other was clerical work at this big businnes thing. i got an email from the hosptail already saying that my resuem meet the miniumum requiremtns for the job that theyare reviewing others and if i meet the standards i will b called for aninterview, ireally hope i get an interview ive applied to over 10 jobs thismonth and i havent been on one interview yet

food log:
*mozzy sticks
*rest of soy burger
*slice of cake
*choc chips
*cherries
*chicken nuggets and fries from mcdonals(the boy came over at 3 am and watned to share so i hade to have some of those ugh)

but yeah so i started reading "empty" by christie pettit its a good book so far but she talks way to much about religion and god like dont get me wrong i have no problem with ppl being religoius as long as they dont push it on me u know what imean i didnt grow up religous at all my parents didnt force that on me u know we always had our own choice but n the book she talks about relgion alot and how god was gonan help her recover and allthat shit ima firnish reading it dont get me wrong cause it is good i will just have to gloss over all the religous shit. but what i really like the the begining of each chapter she has a page from her journal that she kept at that time in her life and its nce to read her own thoughs exaclty how they were written when she was going thru her ed

so today i already fucked up once again food wise i had some cookies and some fiber one cereal no milk kugh i gotta stop eating like this im never gonna get skinny or nething if i keep eating likea fat ass mother fucker lard ass ugh. i gotta gtet blood work down after labour day for my choelstrol then i had to go to the docs to get the results then to pph to buy more birth control. so yeahi wanna lose weight by then the lasts time i was at the docs with my pheunmonia the scale said 106 with clothes and shoes so im hoping i can get that to come down a lil or a alot u know me im not picky andmy doc doesnt care so i wanan lose weight

i kinda gave up ont he hoel therapise search at the moment cause i cant find one and this town is so msall and i dont wanna have to drive over an hour for therapy cause my head just cant do that i get lost in it and then i cant concentrate and then i zone out and thaqts not good at all eseically when im trying to drive a car i dont wanna kill some1 else or myself cause i cant concentrate while im driving

so today ima clean my car it needs a good clean and then i gotta do crucnhes and shit caus my sotmach is just so huge i drank some laxs tea last nite but it hasnt worked yet at all ugh that is just sucky cause i need all of it out ugh hate my life

but neway love ua ll rant over i think

8/27/10/measurements

height-5'5
cw-102 lbs
waist-23 inches
hips-29 inches
neck-12 inches
thighs-16.5 inches
bust-32 inches
wrist-5.5 inches

outfit for the nite




so ihavent eaten nething yet today i know i should and this isnt the way ima recover but i just cant so o well with that. last nite for dinner i ended up eating some bread and some pasta yeah i freaked the fucked out after that like bad c that is y i dont eat nomral meals cause i freak out so bad and my head hurt and my chest hurt so yeah never again not happening. i only eat semi normal meals with the boy on friday nites but i msitly suually get salads but someitmes i get a normal meal just to make him happy. tonite we are going out idk were we are going but im hoping they kinda have a veggie burger cause ive been kinda craving one lately

log:
*one and half liters of water
*vitamin water0

i have a cup of tea and another liter of water sitting in front of me rigth nwo that i will drink b4 we go out tonite

so since icant find a therapist i guesss i have kinda deicded that ima lose as much weight as i can until i can find the help that i need

ok so i pulled out all my books that i have yet to read yet and piled them up and took a pic yeah this is all the books that i have yet to read and i have 3 more on the way from amazon as we speak

8/26/10

so yeah i just dk wtf to do nemore im gettign so frustrated adn i just wanna give the fuck up with the hole gettin gbetter thing but i know if i give up then ima get worse and ima die and i dont want to die so yeah idk

one of the therapist called me today she left a voicemail for me since i was working but she said that she wanted to commend me for seeking help thats its a big step and it can lead to a healthier better life she said that she doesnt have ne sliding scale spots open that he reate in $140 which she knows is steep sincei dont have insurance she said that what i told her and my muliptle issues she would recommend me getting an ed evualtion and go from there that the evualtion could lead to inpatient though. she said she would b more then welcome to help me if i can afford it financailly

it seems like that i wont help but noone is willing to help me cause im to fucked up and i cant afford it how come everything revolves around money its like fuck i want help im sick i have a disease but sicne i cant afford it they arent willing to help me

yeah i coudl do the evualtion thing but i cant be in ip or even iop becuase i have to work i cant just drop everything i have bills that i have to pay and with my hours being cut at work its gonna b even harder for me to pay the bills as it is

the other therapise i emailed last nite hasnt gotten backt o me yet like im willing to try therapy and even a nutritionist i just cant swing ip right now id do op if there was something around here for me to do it but the closest place that offers that is 45 minutes away adn there iop os from 9-330 whcih means i wouldnt get home til like 430ish and that wont work since i work mornings

so idk what the fuck to to right now im just so confused and frustrated and ijust wanna giv eup but i cant give up but fuck still ugh

and my corowker i thought that she understood but she doesnt shes like its not a disease its in ur head its behavior u werent born like this u created this

i didnt create this and it is a disease its a disease that is trying to kill me and ugh no1 understands this fucking sucks

this is what i say to the therpaist when i email them


"Hi, my name is Danielle (insert last name here) i found you on edreferral.com. I'm interested in getting some help for my eating disorder I have never been offically diagnosed but i suffer from anorexia with bulimic tendencies. i am also an over exerciser. I do also suffer from depressiong, anxiety, panic attacks and self harm.

I'm finally ready to try to overcome this well at least attempt to overcome it. I know that i have along road ahead of me and i know that it won't be easy but i am willing to try. I'm not ready to go in to inpatient yet even though i know i probably need it but im willing to try therapy first.

I was wondering what to expect and if you are will to help me?
i currently dont have insurance and my hours just got cut at work so i wanted to know your rates and if u did a sliding scale?
I hope to hear from you soon
thank you for reading and thank you for considering me

Danielle"

i also give themmy cell number whichi m not gonna post here but ugh



food log so far:

*2 servings choc chips

*small banana

*1 serving yellp rice

*2 liters water

*cup of hot tea

*vitamin water 0



idk if and what else ima eat today i kinda have a craving for nooldes or a sandwhich with my veggie protein idk im sure i will haveo ne more thing today

i wasnt gonna eat at all today but i had to have osmething b4 work since im on my feet all day then i started to feel nasous and just weak an dmy heart was acting up so i ate a lili

i would love to fast but app i just cant do that nemore

ok my confused ass is gonna go finsih her laundry and finsih cleaning her room and idk do crucnhes or something

i still have a headache from my insane panic attack i had earlier

therapist

i figured i would put the thearpist i was looking at here for i can get ur guys opinon on it. i will just delete the addresses and stuff dont want no creeps looking at this and finding me i know all my regualr readers woulndt do that

this therapist is the one i really likes i emailed her yesterday adn she got back to me but shes cant help me til november

Linda Brownback, MA, License #PS005296L
Private Practice/Individual Therapy, Family Therapy, Couples Therapy, Outpatient

Email: brownbackmason@choiceonemail.com

Treatment Model: Cognitive Behavioral, Psychodynamic, Eclectic, EEG Biofeedback, Holistic. Also provide EMDR for trauma.
Ms. Brownback treats all forms of eating disorders; males and females, adolescents and adults. Also work with athletes, compulsive exercisers, obesity, Binge Eating Disorder, Pica, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD)
Treating Eating Disorders Since the Year: 1980
Payment Options: Cash/Check, Credit Cards


this one is 30 minutes away from me

Peggy Shannon, MS, RD, LDN
Individual Therapy/Private Practice, Nutritional Counseling, Outpatient, Holistic Healing

Website: www.wholelifenutritionist.com

Email: p.shannon@rcn.com
Treatment Model: Holistic individualized nutrition therapy using cognitive behavioral and mindful eating approach, taking into account mind, body and spirit.

Ms. Shannon treats Anorexia and Bulimia; males and females, adolescents, and adults. She also works with Compulsive Exercisers, Food Addiction, Binge Eating Disorder, Obesity, Compulsive Overeating, Night Eating Syndrome.
Treating Eating Disorders Since the Year: 1995

Payment Options: Cash/Check, Insurance (Capitol Blue Cross, Independence Blue Cross, Aetna, Cigna), Sliding Scale

Ms. Shannon works closely with other treatment team members to provide a unified and comprehensive treatment program


and this one is 41 minutes away

Jennifer L. Stull, MSW, LCSW
Marillac Behavioral Health
Individual Therapy/Private Practice, Outpatient, Support Group

Email: j.stull.1@alumni.nyu.edu

Treatment Model: Interactive, personal and collaborative treatment. Traditional talk therapies that reflect cognitive behavioral, family systems, psychodynamic and solution-focused perspectives.

Ms. Stull treats Anorexia and Bulimia; males and females; children, adolescents and adults. She also works with Binge Eating Disorder, Obesity and Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD).
Payment Options: Cash/Check

Jennifer completed her graduate studies in Clinical Social Work at New York University and post-graduate work in Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy at the Albert Ellis Institute in Manhattan. She has prior experience as a therapist in both inpatient and outpatient settings. Sessions are available by appointment to address a wide variety of issues including eating disorders/disordered eating, depression, anxiety, body image, self-esteem, substance abuse, trauma, relationships, family, career and life changes. The process of treatment is interactive, personal and collaborative. Oftentimes additional outside treatment providers are called upon to address coexisting medical, nutritional and psychiatric concerns.
Please join us for our ongoing eating disorder recovery stitch'n'bitch group that meets the 1st Saturday of every month from 2:00pm - 3:00pm. Whether you knit, crochet or do something else creative with yarn, thread and/or fabric, this group welcomes you. No experience necessary - Beginners welcome! Participants are responsible for bringing their own supplies and encouraged to share their individual strength, hope and experience with other group members in order to create a relaxing, positive and safe recovery environment. Experienced eating disorder professionals will be available at all groups to provide support, guidance, encouragement, education and referrals. This group is not a substitute for treatment. You must request an invitation to join this group's online community. Please email us at edrecoverysnbnj@gmail.com (tell us a little bit about yourself and the reason(s) you are interested in joining) to request an invitation.

8/25/10

so i emailed a therpist last nite shesa bout 30 minutes away from me and i fugred yeah u know she sounds good and she speicalizes in ed's so yeah so i emailed her and everything she answered me almost right away but unfortanually she said that she cant help me right now all her free range spots are filled and theres one person above me on the waiting list she said if i dont have neone by november to contact there she would b happy to help and at whatever price i can afford

i cant wait til november i know that i know my body cant do it and i will prob end up int eh hopital b4 then if i dont get help

so i will have to keep looking and hope i find something soon i dont have much luck though so i guess we wiill just wait and c

the boy made me go shopping today ugh i hate food shooppng espeically wheni really really dont want to eat i was content with my fridge being empty and only have granpla bars apples and oatmeal but he said i had to go so i went togday



first i went to target got:

*6 vitamin water o's

*mega t green tea diet pills

*4 pack of tic tacs orange kind

*pack of hair clips

*2 mini composition books



then went to shoprite:

*2 pints blueberresi

*pound of bing cherries

*small bananas

*bag of carrots

*bag of grapes

*romaine lettuce hearts

*veggie protein trukey slices



stop and shop

i made my own lil salad there its elttuce 3 tomotes 3 cucumbers and some like noodle things. i also made my own fruit cup had blueberreis, strawberreis, honey dew, cantalope, blackerberreis and raspberries. im not sure how many cals but they both cant b much and i like fruit fruit and salad doesnt freak me out

food log so far:

*apple-60

*fruit cup i made-?

*liter of water

*bottle of water

*vitamin water0

*cup of hot tea

ima have the salad for dinner and mayb a snack b4 bed

i will update more later prob to let u all know whats going on
102.2 this morning :)

8/24/10

so the therapist that i emailed on sunday hasnt emailed me back yet so either shes busy, not willing to help, or its just not meant to b.

but neway i went on edreferral.com i searched my county but everything was so far away so i checked PA since i live right ont he border and i found one that according to mapquest is 33 minutes away i guess i can handle that ijust dont wanna have to drive far but i guess its all worth it in the end. so i just sent her an email so now its another waiting game.

so i was all freake dout yesterday bout my job about my hours getting cut and just everything. well i talked tothe boy last nite and he said iwas stressing over nuttin and to calm down cause its not a big deal we would handle it. so the plan is to keep applying for full time jobs but also appply for part time jobs for i can get out of the place im out now. its so stresssful and i dont need the stress. so thats the plan

the boy also said that as long as i have enough topay my car then its ok so i need to make sure i have money for car payment and car insurance everymonth and then also my credit cards but we decided to just pay the minuum balance on them and hope have a lil extra money. he said that wehn we go out and do soemthiung we doesnt mind paying right now until i get on my feet again. we usually go half or he will pay for dinner adn then i will pay for movie ticket or something but he will have to pay for a lil while. i feel bad and i hate that cause i just dont want himt o have to pay for it all but i guess thatsj ust how its gonna have to b for a lil while.

he said that i also have to make sure that i have some food in my fridge to eat ugh my fridge is so empty rigth now an di love it but ima have to go soon just for he wont yell at me or nething. so when i do go to grocery store iwill prob just get fruit and some salad stuff but i would save money of food if i didnt have to buy it u know

work today kinda sucked me and the owner(boss) just avoid each other we wont talk we just like work around each other liek if we walk past each other we just dont say a word idk what i did to make him hate me so much all of a sudden i wish i knew i pracitacally run hes business for him but o well when im gone he will realize just how much i did and how much he doesnt knwo about hes own business. i cleaned alot today there did:

*cleaned all the walls and doors on tan side(we have 8 tanning rooms and 2 bathrooms, plus like storage and washiing machine and shit)

*washed and folded towels

*tested pool

*fillled sanitzer bottles

*windezed all mirros in rooms

*wiped down top of the beds

and more just lil odd stuff u know the cleaning the walls makes me really tired cause its alot of up and downand squating and shit its a good work out but very tiring

after work i babysit my 2 lil cousins they are a handful all in themselves 4 yrs onld adn 9 months love them to death the 9 month old is already walking and running and hes heavy hes 20 lbs already and soemtimes he lies to b held alot and today was one of them if he wasnt running around he was in my arms so that was a good workout as well i wonder how many cals i burned doing that. well today:

* we played outside on the slides and on the balance beam

*played air hockey

*went for a short walk

*also played jump on dani yes my ribs hurt form that

but i love them so much and i would do nehting for them they help withmy depression a lil so thas a good thing

so in addtion to therapy i think i might try adn go back to that support group i went to awihle ago its a 45 minute drive so mayb only once a month if i do decide to go

i know that i need lie some seriious help like lock me away in a room and never let me out help i need a mental break so bad but im not willng to check myself into ip yet so that will just have to wait



im reading some good books yes i said books i read more then one at a time

*Pretty Little Liars-Sara Shepard- on page 30

*Bloodletting-Victoria Leatham-on page 103

*Love You Hate You Miss You-Elizabeth Scott- on page 218

i cant wait til i finish all of them they are all so good and i ordered mockingjay from amazon so that shoudl b coming in soon and i know when that comes in i will dorp everyuthng and read that one

i ate a lil more then i wanted to today i always snack mroe when im babysitting but tomm ima do alot better alot alot better cause if one of the therapist do answer me i wanna b smaller i need to prove to them that i do have a problem and that i need help osi have to lose more weight b4 then

8/23/10

i wanted to tahnk u guys for supporting me with the therapy thing
u are allthe best an dim not leaving i will still blog everything of course cause im addcited
i found a therapist sat nite shes actually right in town which is really surprising cause hello small town. she's not just strictly ed's she does a bunch of other things i know i should find a therapiast that sepcializes in just ed's but i cant find ne that are close the closest one is 29 miles away which is just crazy i dotn wanna drive that far espcially with my head the way it is i'll end up gettingin an accident and killing myself or some1 else and i dont want that to happen

well i emailed her yesterday saying "that i have never been diagnosed but i suffer from anorexia with bulmic tendencies i also suffer form depression, anxiety and panic attacks. i was wonder whath to expect and if u would b willing to help me? i also asked her if she does a sliding scale"

i havent heard nething back from her yet hopefully i hear something soon its $90-100 persession with out insurence im hoping she does do sliding scale for i can get a lil bit of a discount cause idt i can afford that all thet iem but we will c

yesterday was my bro and sis's goin away party they are both going away to college so yeah had a paryt for them with family and there friends. ih ad 2 nature valley bars int he morning theni went to the gym and burnt 507 cals on the elly(love that machine) when i got home had a few bites of some oragne chicken just to give my some energy. soi showered got ready adn emailed the therapist. iw as good duringthe party i only had a few tostios and some pizza dip. iended up leaving the party early though to go to my cousins house to hang out with him he just turned 13 and just had elbow surgey had to put in a plate and screws cause he broke it so bad so hes in alot of pain so i went and spent like 2 hours at hies house with him we just watched tv hung out outside and palyed some games on hes touch ipod thing. i didnt wana eat when i got home but my heart was acting funny so i have the rest of my rcie left over form dinner on firday and a roll then b4 bed i ate a few to many saltines. i was still 103 this morning so i havent gained ne thank god i hope i lose soon though

so today

ok so today fucking sucked ass it was just like everything was spiralling downward i was good yesterday i emailed the therapist i was ok with getting help i was trying to figure out how to pay for it and i figured that i could pay less off on my credit cards and then use the left overs for my therapy

yeah that would of worked but i walk in ot work today and look at the schedule and realized that he cut my hours down by almost 10 hours i usually work close to 30 hours a week somteims more now im only shceudled for 21 next week and im sure that will go down

so i eventually get up the courage to ask him and hes like yeah we are making some changes im like im not gonna b able to get khakis by september he just looks at me well ask s she wokrs at gap she can get u a discount im like gap is expensive he just looks at me like wtf so i just walk away

see s is the new girl he hired and she working 20 hours a week and then he hired some1 else and gave her some of my hours and app he hired another person

i just wana quit so bad u have no idea but i cant no matter how much i want to becaiuse i have bills lots of bills so ima apply to a shitload of jobs even if i dot qualify still going to apply i need out of that place asap

my chest hurt so bad from the anxiety from it today and then add in the depression yeah it wasnt a good day at all

they only thing that made it better is i got to hang out with my sis for awhile my bro came too he can b annoying but he wasnt oday he just wanted to come alone for the ride for soemtihng to do

so after work me and her tyed died a shirt each mine is yellow, blue and red. after that we went up to bbed bath and beyond and the mall it wasnt the mall in town my town sucks so we went to a bigger mall in pa. ilive right ont he border so we usually eat and shit in pa but yeah the drive was only suppose to take 20-25 minutes but we hit traffic so it took about 40 instead its ok we sitll got there even with the constant pouring ass rain ugh.

but neway we went to bed bath adn beyond she needed a few thigns for school i didnt get nething there just she did. then we went to barnes and nobles and i spent way way way to much money i have a series book addcitiong its bad but o well

books i got:

*the hole pretty little liars series- sara shepard

*the glass castle-jeannette walls

*the book od lost things-john connolly

*her fearful symmetry-audrey niffenegger

my sis then wanted to go tot he apple store for a case for her mac book. we ended up playing with the i pads for while lol they are cool u know

then we went into the mall i was determeind to find a cute but not to expensive purse i found the cutest ever coach purse but yeah no orice tag so yeah that was way to much money but we ended up going in to icing by claires and found this adorable hot pink bag yay for that so yeah i got everything i wanted

my bro and sis wanted to eat soemthing so they both got cinnabuns they tired to give me some but i said no yay me my bro is like " u know its not healthy enough for dani to eat it" yeah thanx for that drob

but i got a grande unsweetend black iced tea from starbucks while they were eating that

food log:

*cup of blueberries-80

*small apple-60

*few spoons cookes and cream ice cream-100?

*liter of water

*cup ot hot cranberry weight loss tea-3

*diet green tea mixed berry-0

*grande unsweetend black iced tea-10?

took 8,768 steps today which burnt 227 cals :)

the sweetned one is 80 so im guessing unsweetened in 10 its just a guess though
idk if ima eat dinner im really not in the mood with everytrhing that went on today
ids like fuck i finally realize that i need help and i take action then shit happens and now i have no idea how ima pay for it
i knwo i need help and i need it soon or bad things are going to happen

so im off to apply for as many jobs as i can
love u all(i'll try to read and respond to all ur blogs later after i apply for jobs)

purse i got:(toook the pic at the store sorry if it isnt the best quiality and ignore my fat legs)

8/21/10

so i guess u guys wanna know what is going on with me sinc eive been going back and forth between recovery and not recovery and i coudlnt make up my mind. i know i was driving ua ll nuts but ive made a decision well sorta it was sorta made for me and sorta not so idk

but im sitting om my floor right now yes i have a queen size bed or is it king idk but i got a big bed and instead of sitting on it im sitting on the floor im weird i know but o well i hopeu guys lov eme neway

so i had the talk with the boyfriend last nite it was hard and difficult and my eyes still hurt from me crying so much but it was good to have the talk no matter how hard it was it was good cause the tnesion was tearing me and him apart. if i went on and if i told u exaclty waht was said this would b a very long post and i dont want to make u guys read it but neway.

it all started out at dinner and app i was acting weird more werid then nomrla so i told him my head was just bothering me alot and after alil while he finally understood what i was talking about hes first reaction was not a good one pretty much said that we were done if i did that again and that i had to eat my food. so needless to say i ate smore then i would nomrally but i wanted himt o b happy and not mad at me. we went to applesbees i got the crispy orange chicken(u can look up whats in it on the applebees website) i nomrally would only eat 1/4 of it but i ended up eating half of it instead. and then i got dessert b4 he use to make me get dessesrt but now i can choose if i want it ot not and last nite i didnt want it but i did so i got it tomake him happy and heknows i would rather eat dessert rather then acutal food so i hot the hot apple sizzle pie it was good had a scoop of vanilla ice cream on it i got it without the caramel sauce i dont like caramel much i ate all of the dessert

i was still shut off when he said what he did i just shut myself off thats my go to cause im bad with handling my emotions im not good at all with them but yeah i shut myselg off we decided to go tot he movies after i didnt have to get nething there thankgod cause i didnt want nemore food in my system as it was. my the theater has a ll aracade so he went andplayed the claw machine and he wont me 32 lil stuffed animals( a blue dolphine, a yellow snack and a purple platapus). we saw dinner with the smucks(sp) it was a good movie funny not as funny as the other guys but still funny'

we went home after that and thats were the real conversation started i knew we had to have it. he doesnt understand the disease and he thinks that just cause im eating that im ok so i had to try and explain the disease to him in a way that he would understand i had to use like metphors and shit. he assumes that anorexics just dont eat so i had to explain to him thats thats not true that we eat wejust dont eat normal nor do we know how to eat normal i know with me its either low low cals or binging there is no inbetween and i had to explain that to him like i said i either eat to lil or to much hes like how do u eat to much im like u know how when ur full u stop eating hes like yeah im like i dont do that i dont stop when im full heslike what are u a dog not knowing when ur full im like no and then we talked even more i told him about how hard and lonley and depression and stressful this disease is i told him about my depression and my anxiety my panic attacks. he was shocked that i was depressed im like im fine when im with u u make me happy but ur not hear during the week and its not ur fault but ur not hear and my 2 lil cousins make me happy but i only have them 1-2times a week if that. so yeah he knows i have drepssion he knows about my freakouts and my panicks i told him that i try to eat more normal sometimes for him but then ifreakout and panic and it doesnt end well hes like well u cant panick its not good for ur heart. he finally realized that my heart issues are from my ed it finally cliked hes lke y im like i put my body thru hell for years of coruse he has affects. (this converstaion took forever are nt u glad om giving u the short version) im like i want to b happy i want to c myself the way others c me i dont want to die but its going to kill me and i cant stop it on my own. hes like i dontwant to lose u i dont want to worry about u nemore i wanna think about u but not in a worry away. so then we had the hole what are we gonna do talk u know hospoitals treatments thearpy all that shit. he wanted me to try it on my own but i made him understand that that wasnt psossible

so way long story short we diecided on therapy fo rnow cause i dont himi didnt want a hoptial i didnt want to b admitted and b away from him hes like u dont look good but u dont look deahtly skinny im like that doesnt mean nething at all

so i have to try and find a therapist close to me that isnt to expensive casue i dont have insurance or much money. i know somerset hoptial hasnt many didnt treamtments but its a 45 minute drive and i dont wanna drive that far everytime i have to go i know if i do end up needing ip thats were i would go but i hope 2 find therapu close to me at least well closer at least. so its therapy for now ima try ad get better but dw im not leaving u guys still gonna come on if it gets to much i will let u know and take a few days away but neway he wants me to start it as soon as possible so yeah

but hes on vacation the week after next so yay i will get to c him everyday :) at least i will get some sleep then ihavent been sleeping much at all cause my head just wont shut up its always constanlty going but when hes around i can usually get a dfew extra hours in that i despretly need. i always asked him if we coudl spen a day together while he was off he slike yes if u can promise urgoin to b ok that day then we can im like i cant promise that but i can try hes like ok what do u wanna do i suggest hershey park(amussement park) i love rollercoasters hes like ok we will figure out a day see if u can get off of work and then i'll fc if 2 ppl will come with us amursemnt parks are better with 4 ppl and i agree with him on that so yay hes like i'll also c if i can find something to do that we havent done yet so it will b sometihng different

so thats the story of last nite my crazy self is going to therapy

this mornig i went tot he gym yes i knw that i shouldnt b going but exercise keeps me calm and yeah i need it and he understand thats so he let me go i worked out a lil more then i should but i need it

i did:

*65 min on elly around the worl hill work outlevel5- 489 cals burned

*35 min on elly kilamagro(sp) hill work out level 6- 263 cals butned

*8,867 steps taken thru out the day- 232 cals burned

work was just stresssful as fuck u have no idea my boss has made up all these new rules out of the blue like dont get me wrong i have no problem with following rules but he shouldnt just change them whenever he wants like i have been there for 4 years i have been following the rules that were givng to me then at that time we coudl wear whatever we want as long as it wasnt hoochie or likeinapportaites so yeah now we all have to wear shirts which i dont mind makes getting dress easier and jeans. but now heres are hes new rules that ima have to talk to him about

*tan shirt with either khakis shorts or pants no middriff showing if bigger tuck in

*earrings can only have 2 holes or if u have more must b covered my hair

*no tattoos showing

*no facial peircings(tongue or nose)

*no sitting is allowed nemore most stand and find things to do

and a shit load of others like fuck im not buying a howl new wardrobe for this fucking job i shoudlnt have to if a job reguirs to wear specific things they are suppose to pay for it and doubt he will so he can fire me idc i dont have the money to buy khakis i work alot u guys know that and i cant just go buy ne khakis i need certain brands that fit.

now the middriff i understand that but 2 of the sirts we have to wear are baby tees that a given that some skin will show so i guess i will have to start wearing longer shirts underneath my other shirt

ok the earring thing pisses me off i have 9 piercinsin each ear and im not taking them out he cant make me they havent been a proble sicne ive been working there and ive had them the hole time and he cant tell me that i have to wear my hari down all the time to hide them thats just fucking ridc

and i dont udnerstan how he can just take the chair away and make us stand all the time thats like inhuman and shit ugh hes always sititng hes never standing for long periods of time so y should i and it says if its slow find something to do clean there always seomthing to do. u know what its slow season it will b slow season until like april so hes fucking outof hes mind i am there 6 days a week at least and thats 6 days in a row liek how much cleaning does he expect me to do i wll b repeating this constantly and [rob in the same day. when i was first hire di was told we were allowed to sit and read or do homework as long as all the work gets done and all the work always gets done so idk

and i refuse to eat lunch standing up so i guess im not eating that nemore so thats gonna jeoporidize my recovery but ugh i get tired very easily i tire quicly more then nomrla ppl do cause of this disease and ima have a hell of a tiem trying to stand all the time

idk maybe im making to big of a deal of it but i just find it fucked up that he just keeps chaning hes mind all the time and where are my raises the paper says we are suppose to get .50 cent raise when we get our tanning cert and a .50 cent raise when we get our lifeguard one i have had both for over a year and i have not seen those raises and ugh i guess i have alot oof talking to do to him on monday adn i gotta try and stay calm and not get to mad or worked up but hes being ridc with everything its like he does nuttin all day like i work the tan side and when hes there hes suppose to do hes side the dvie side cause hes the diver the insturctor the fucking owner but does he know he wont even answer hes phone so im always running around like crazy regardless and then add in if some1 is swimming then its me runnig back and forth between all 3 parts of the building he driv eme bonkers

then hes gf cam in today and was like the things ur sayin to ppl are getting back to him u knowdont burn ur bridges mind ur pand q's and take it up with him but u have a job dont ruin that

to tell u the trust i coudl care less if he fires me then i coudl collect unepmployemnt adn work temp jobs and focus on me trying to get better i know i will struggle even more with my bills then i already do but it would b worth it to have less stress ugh i just hate everyone right now well him mostly cause fuck ugh

after i finally got out of work i stopped at the mall i need more earrings cause i lose mine all the time the backs fall off then the studs and yeah needless to say i go thru earrings like crazy welli went to kohls and claires while i was there. at kohls i got a 3 pack of heandbands and 2 think elastic beaded bans they look like cuffs but go all the way around. at claires i got 3 9 pack of stud earings in color adn just plain shinny they had a special buy 2 get one freee so yay

after taht went to dd and go tmy large unsweetened iced tea im srsly addicted tothis stuff a large only 10 cals and only $1.92 yay yay aya

i got home and got to talk to m thanx for talking to me hun it was the best i really do love talking to u cause u really are the best i love u and i wished that we lived closer for we could hang out

i have to start looking for a therapist soon



food log so far:

*2 chips ahpy cookes-5am-cals idk

*nature valley 2 pack bars-8am-190 cals

i havent really drank much today but ima work out that i knw im not drinkng nore so yeah

for dinner ims just heat up the left overs form last nite and have that and try not to freak out when i eat it


ooo i took my measuremnts yestterday here they are:

height-5'5

weight-103lbs

waist-23 1/2 inches

hips-29 inches

thighs-17 inches

neck-12 inches

wrist-5.5inches

bust-32 inches



o i bought the september issue of vogue yesterday at target as well with gum, werthers sf hard candy, green tea pills i started flipping thru it last nite i love it fashion love it

ok so i guess i should eat something and find myself a therapist i love u all

my outfit from last nite

8/19/10

so appartenlty im not qualifed to do clerical work/filing at hopstial i applied to a few of them like 2-3 weeks ago depedning an di havent heard nething back well one emailed me yesterday saying " that i had an impressive resume but hey have other candiates that have more education and experince in the field they tahnked me for applying though" but really lets c ive been working sinc ei was 18 i have an assocites degree in applied science accouting management and i dont qualify to work as a secretary isnt that just insane like ugh i usderstand they want experience but how am i suppose to have experince if no one will take a chance on me and try me out for i can get experice ugh america fukcing sucks ass

then to top it all of ugh the new girl that we are training ugh. di my best friend and coworker is leaving the end of august for school and she found a diffrent better paying job so the ass of a boss hired some1 else and we all have been training for nad ugh shes not ready to b on her own i dont even think she is right for the job. shes suppose to start the 29th and b good enough to b on her own and newsflash shes not not even close i most of explained the register to her 3 times yesterday and she still had questions like i know its alot ot learn but fuck its just rinign ppl up and yes we have alot more thing that we sell and no we dont have a scanner casue nuttin scans its all inthe computer already u just have to pull it up oo oo and to top that off she tool ike 6 days off at the end of september to go to ocm and then she took like 4 wkds off in a row in october(which means i will b working 4 weeks straight with out a day off cause instead of havingmy sundays off i will have to work cause she took off) then she calls me today saying that she got a call from a model agency and they want her to model on sat but shes suppose to work but shes like its just training and its a great opportunity to model im like dont tell me tell the owner and then one more thing she audtioned for antm which is great thats fine but she got a call back for next wkd when she is suppose to b working and she told them she would b there so that means she wont b wroking those days and has she told ne of this to the boss no and she better ugh ima have to talk to him tomm cause this is fucking ridc adnguess who will prob get in trouble for it me yes me cause app i get shit for everything but whatever i just give up i do cause theres no point in worrying about it

so after work i go to the gym i walk in and scan my card and one of the trainer worker guys is standing there hes like u coming on sat to our party. ok see sat is the2 yr anniversary of the gym so from 12-6pm they are having a party with free stuff, food and like raffles and shit. im llike i have to work hes like till when and where im like til 4 and i tell him where hes like o right acorss the bridge well u should come after we might still have free stuff adn food left im like i'll c what i can do and then he goes the gym will b open so u can work out too and ijust laugh

no i want to go workout on sat i rly do but idk how busy its going to b and i dont wanna have todeal with the crowds or nething usually sats there arent busy well not int he afternoon when i go at least so idk i guess we will c what happens that day

so i was chekcing my email today and app i signed up for a webmd news letter i acutally read this one and its about heart diesase and shit it was interesting its about 12 possible heart symptoms that u shouldnt ignore so i read it and ima post the bullet points for u gusy can c as well:


12 Possible Heart Symptoms Never to Ignore

Here are a dozen symptoms that may signal heart trouble.

1. Anxiety. Heart attack can cause intense anxiety or a fear of death. Heart attack survivors often talk about having experienced a sense of "impending doom."


2. Chest discomfort. Pain in the chest is the classic symptom of heart attack, and "the No. 1 symptom that we typically look for," says Jean C. McSweeney, PhD, RN, associate dean for research at the University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences College of Nursing in Little Rock and a pioneer in research on heart symptoms in women. But not all heart attacks cause chest pain, and chest pain can stem from ailments that have nothing to do with the heart.


Heart-related chest pain is often centered under the breastbone, perhaps a little to the left of center. The pain has been likened to "an elephant sitting on the chest," but it can also be an uncomfortable sensation of pressure, squeezing, or fullness. "It's not unusual for women to describe the pain as a minor ache," McSweeney says. "Some women say the pain wasn't bad enough even to take a Tylenol."


Women, more so than men, can also experience a burning sensation in their chest, rather than a pressure or pain. "Sometimes people make the mistake that the pain comes from a stomach problem," says Nieca Goldberg, MD, clinical associate professor of medicine at the NYU Langone Medical Center in New York City and another expert on women's heart symptoms.


3. Cough. Persistent coughing or wheezing can be a symptom of heart failure -- a result of fluid accumulation in the lungs. In some cases, people with heart failure cough up bloody phlegm.


4. Dizziness. Heart attacks can cause lightheadedness and loss of consciousness. So can potentially dangerous heart rhythm abnormalities known as arrhythmias.


5. Fatigue. Especially among women, unusual fatigue can occur during a heart attack as well as in the days and weeks leading up to one. And feeling tired all the time may be a symptom of heart failure.

Of course, you can also feel tired or fatigued for other reasons. How can you tell heart-related fatigue from other types of fatigue?

"If you don't feel well and all the wind is knocked out of your sails, don't try to figure it out on the Internet or from a book," says Goldberg. "Wasting time is dangerous."


6. Nausea or lack of appetite. It's not uncommon for people to feel sick to their stomach or throw up during a heart attack. And abdominal swelling associated with heart failure can interfere with appetite.


7. Pain in other parts of the body. In many heart attacks, pain begins in the chest and spreads to the shoulders, arms, elbows, back, neck, jaw, or abdomen. But sometimes there is no chest pain -- just pain in these other body areas. The pain might come and go.

Men having a heart attack often feel pain in the left arm. In women, the pain is more likely to be felt in both arms, or between the shoulder blades.


8. Rapid or irregular pulse. Doctors say that there's nothing worrisome about an occasional skipped heartbeat. But a rapid or irregular pulse -- especially when accompanied by weakness, dizziness, or shortness of breath -- can be evidence of a heart attack, heart failure, or an arrhythmia. Left untreated, some arrhythmias can lead to stroke, heart failure, or sudden death.


9. Shortness of breath. People who feel winded at rest or with minimal exertion might have a pulmonary condition like asthma or chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD). But breathlessness could also indicate a heart attack or heart failure.


"Sometimes people having a heart attack don't have chest pressure or pain but feel extremely short of breath," Goldberg says. "It's like they've just run a marathon when they haven't even moved." During a heart attack, shortness of breath often accompanies chest discomfort, but it can also occur before or without chest discomfort.


10. Sweating. Breaking out in a cold sweat is a common symptom of heart attack. "You might just be sitting in a chair when all of a sudden you are really sweating like you had just worked out," Frid says.


11. Swelling. Heart failure can cause fluid to accumulate in the body. This can cause swelling (often in the feet, ankles, legs, or abdomen) as well as sudden weight gain and sometimes a loss of appetite.


12. Weakness. In the days leading up to a heart attack, as well as during one, some people experience severe, unexplained weakness. "One woman told me it felt like she couldn't hold a piece of paper between her fingers," McSweeney says

u wanna know what the funny thing is well not funny but wahter u know what i mean i actually suffer from most of those things and i ginore them all the time espeically number 2 and 8 those are the wrose but i suffer from all of those on different occasions and i always ignore them always

food log:
*cup of blueberries-80
*10 grapes-20
*6 ounces carrots-60
*fruit snacks-50
*1/2 cup mango ice vanilla ice cream thingy-120
*green beans-90
*12 bites of fried potatoes-?

i will prob have some grapes later b4 i go to bed it helps my heart b calm enough for i can acutally get some sleep its been keeping me up alot lately

drinks
*2 lites water-0
*2 normal water bottles-0
*vitamin water 0-0
*3 cups weightless cranberry tea-9

exercise
*65 min elly-499 cals burned( iwent faster todayt hen i did yesterday)
*7,196 steps taken-176 cals burned

so ima finsih eating my green beans and drink my tea and read alil. theni have to clean up my room cause its a disaster. then i have to repaint my finger and toenails also cut them as well i wlike them long but once they start growing they break they are so brittle and weak so they are all jagged from breaking right now. im gong to paint them fuchsia chrome. i got the sally hanson color quick fast dry nail pen i love iti have itin black as well they are so easy to use i love it

8/18/10

thinxxxspo- thanx hun i love the new layout too i made the banner and i though iwas gonna have to make a background to match but theni found this one in the templates so yay perfect match

ok soi m sitting here with 2 cups of cranberry weight loss tea, 2 bottles of iced cold sports bottle of waters, bowl of 100 cal popcorn and sugar free jello in front of me

so im sure u guys are getting tired of me freaking out about id i should try to reocver or ifi shoudlnt try yeah cause ive been freaking out about htat for days now so ima try and not freak out as much i guess just run its course for now on. if its just hard to decide then its obv that im not ready to recover if i was ready the decision would b easy and right now its the hardest decison ever so im obv not ready not even close

last nite i was dong some reasearch on therapist and stuff. well i went on the somerset hospital website they are teh closest hosptial that treats ed's they speically in anorexia and bulimia. its about 45 minute drive for me so yeah alil far trust me i made the trip once. they have their own li ed wing and its scary as hell to b on it trust me i know i was. i went to a support group there once for ppl with eds it was the scariest thing ever the room si on the ed floor but not on the unit u c the doors that cut u off from ur life though so yeah scary but neway back tot he point i only went to the group once cause it was to overwhelming for me they all wanted to get better or had theapist or had been hospitalized and i just wasnt ready then so i never went back. but neway i went on the webiste and i was reading up on about what they do how u first have to get an assesment and everything and if ur medically stable then u cehck in that same day to a 14 bed unit and hey had a pic of it im guessing if ur not medically stable u get checked in tot he acutally hospital part of it but neway u get checked in that day they acutally tell u to pack a bag of ur things and bring it with u. they also do an ed day program(30 days like 5 hours or so a day of therapy and of course eating) they have outpatient(meets 3 days a week for 5 hours) then they have just the support group that i was talking about earlier yeah most ppl get checked in to the unit but some have beeen recommended to the others. but neway reading all that freaked me out so bad so yeah im not ready so yeah not doing that

the abc family show"make it or break it" is doing an ed story line anorexia to b exact and they are actutally pretty accruate with it the struggle and the lies and jsut everything u knew from the secodn they did sometihng that it was going to develop into that well i knew just cause i suffer from it myself.

im going to try and at least talk tot he boy this wkd just tell him that im struggle alot again wait idk exactlly what im going ot say butim going to try and talk to him about it at least. try is the word cause knowing me i will chicken out and the only way i can get it out is if im not looking at him cause oncei look into hes hurt eyes i will lose it and start bawling like a baby i usually dont cry but seeing the hurt in hes eyes makes me want to and theni sually cant stop or breathe and he has to calm me donw and all

tonite ima make somemore computer backgrounds mainly for my bff cause hes been the best and has put up with my crazy anorexic ass for over a year now we have never meet in person but she is my best friend we talk everyday we meet over a year ago on fuck idk what site it was but i know its closed now and has been clsoed for awhile and she desrves a thank u so ima make those later and work on them this wkd i will upload them tomy photobucket fo ru guys can c them. and i will post them on here when im done

food log:
*24 bing cherries-90
*5 fatfree saltines-60
*6 ounces baby carrots-60
*100 cal bag popcorn-100
*box of made sf jello-40
*few spoons vanilla ice cream-?

drinks
*3 cups cranberry hot weightloss tea-9
*liter of water-0
*2 sport bottle of water-0
*sobe life water0-0

exercise
*8,182 steps taken- 201 cals burned
*65 min elly- 488 cals burned

8/17/10

total cals so far today-480

*choc chips-100
* 3 slices light 7 grain bread-135
*1 chips ahoy cookie-45
* small apple-60
*1/2 cup blueberries-40
*1 bag 100 cal pretzles-100

plan of dinner
*salad(lettuce(20) croutons(30) cucumbers(5) dressin(5-10))-65
*baked potoate-100



total cals for the day-655

totals cals burned exercising-400

*running 1 mile(5.2mph/11.5min)- 92

*1,213 steps taken-308


net cals-255

ima try adn do some crucnhes tonite as well. thats the plan for dinner and ima drink lots of water and tea to make sure i dont eat after that i have a habit of binging after dinner at nite so lets hope that i dont

im still not sure what i wanna do with everything with recvoering and all im still all freaked the fuck out and i dont know what to do at all so yeah ima confused mess. like a par tof me wants to recover to b happy to b better but i know that i will b fighting this for the rest of my life the voices will always b there they dont just go away i will always have the ana mindset cause that doesnt leave either i will always have the urge to exercise alot cause granted im an exercise addcit i have to do it so yeah is there really a point in me trying to fullly recover when i know there is no way i will ever b so yeah. i would lvoe for my depression to not b as bad amyb i will work on that an di had my panick and freak outs those are killer and my cutting ew slefharming ugh i ahve a feeling that is going to get worse but hey there is nuttingi can do about that so ugh. im still all confused i know

i had to force myself to just eat the food i ate already today cause i didnt want it if i was up ot me i would of just ate the choc chips and not eaten the rest of the day i forget to eat yes i acutally forget eating isnt int he front o fmy mind if i get busy andn im not thinking about it then i just wont eat. i tired today though i hade the toast and a fruit bowl fro breakfast i ended up eating the toast and choc chips for breakfst i packed up the fruit bowl(apple and blueberries) and took then to work with me i didnt eat those til almost 2 and i ate breakfast at 8am i didnt want to eat i had to force it all down its ugh. thanx m for making me eat telling me that i need it for i dont faint and passout uve been great with helping me i know eating is gonna get realy hard it seems my head is fighting me its like deep down i know it wants to recover but it wont let me cause when i start thinking about it my ed gets wrose andpulls me make in for a l il

so idk idk mayb i will try ot just eat a lil more and eat really healthy and just exercise my lil heart out so idk i still got alot of thinking to do

i know i want to fully recover i would prob need thearpy and many pills to help my deprresion anxiety paranoia panick attack

but ugh idk i gotta think and right now i really dont feel like it my head has been going nonstop all day and it just needs a break

and i really though running a mile would burn way more cals ugh that just sucks but i love running so much its so calming and freeing and relaxing if id idnt have runnig i would of went ocmplety crazy already it helps me clear my head i go into another world and its just the best thing in the wolrd

if u guys ever want me ot make u nething like abackground for ur computer just let me know i would b happy too it keeps me occupied and with me occupied and busy is good

8/16/10

ok so this porb wont make sense 2 u guys or neone really but i need to get this out and ramble and shit so im sorry if it makes no sense

height -5' 4.5- 5'5 i claim 5'5 though its easier
current weight-newhere between 103-106(scale is being a bitch and changing its mind all the time)
weight 2 weeks ago-101(ugh can i have my almost pheunmia back for i can lose weight)

what happned over the past year or so of my relapse:

*oded on caffeiene pills

*abused diet pills, diuretics, laxs(still do acutally)

*started smoking from time to time again

*self harm( i use to just hit my body against something but for the past year i have been cutting and burning)

*high cholestrol

*high blood pressure

*irregulare heart rate

*horrid acid reflux

*almost died from dehyrdation

*heat exhaustion

*verge of pheunmonia

*weight has bounced newhere between 94-110lbs

*started binging and buffing

*exercised way more then normal(and normal is alot since im an exercise addcit)

*the boyfriend now knows about my ed

*coworker/bestfriend knows about my cutting

*memory lose/ blanks

*depression

*anxiety

*panic attack



lowest weight- somewhere in the 80's 4 years ago

today hasnt been one of my best days acutally its been an extrememly low one my head is so fucking confused cause im just so tired im so tired of everything of being sick of having this diesease of the depressino and anxiety. of constantly worrying about what to eat what not ot eat the cal count the fat count of houw long i have to work out to burn that off to purge or not to purge to binge or not to binge to just stop eating ocmplety again and starve myself again to get better for the boy to get better for myself relapsing hating myself i hate myself so much ihate looking in the mirror i hate what i see cause im so damn ugly and fat. all i wanna do is b happy to b normal to b those girls who are normal who dont worry about what they eat the cals of everything i dont want to hide nemore i dont want to b scared or panciked or anxious nemore but u know what that is who i am and as much as i hate it i cant change it even if i want too.

ive been going back and forth today from considering recovery to saying fuck it then back and froth back and forth there are so many thoughts going thru my head i cant think straight. i freaked out on so many ppl today and i tahnk u all for dealing with me and giving me things to think about. to saying that i can do this that im strong enough to beat this even though i know im not causei have treid to beat thi before and everytime i relapse its worse then before which is saying soemtihng cause this year has been bad what if i do try and recover and i fail and i relapse how much worse can i get god if i relapse one more time i will prob die idk how much more my body can take cause ive put it thru hell as it is u know what i mean.

so back to the recovery thing im not going to make a decison on it right away ima think about it all this week and hopefullly if im not to much of a chicken talk to the boy this weekend wheni c him c how he reacts what he thinks i know he will prob say that im fine that im not bad but idk if he can deny it nemore my weight keeps going up and down 5 bls every 2 weeks or so and he has to c that. but i just dont know nemore cause im so confused

idk if i can do it on my own my one ana friends thinks i cant that i prob need ip and therapy and everything but i have to much going on for that theres no way i can just up and dorp everything to check myself into a hospital and i dont wanna b in a hopsital and therapy scars the shit out of me. takling to some sttranger a stranger that will judge me and look down on me who doesnt understand me ugh so confused. and im not good with talk ing about my feelings or what im thinking i always shut those down cause its easier to not deal with them then to deal with them.

and what if i do try it on my own am i really strong enough to do that to not look at cals to not count cals everything. i still cant buy high cal things i really wanted mashied potatoes the other day and th esotre had some prepackged ones yeah utrned it over the bowl was like 3 servings 200cals poerserving yeah coudlnt do it i put it back down.

my head is constanlty filled with thoughs of food what to eat what to not eat how many cals is this thing or that thing low fat non fat carbs proteing just evetyhing its a never ending cycle of food food has such a control over me my ed controls me and iknow thats not right but i want it toi wan the contorl that it can give me i want to b thin and fragile and perfect and breakable

so y cant i be happy what did i do to deserve this disease am i such a horrible person that i deserved this i would love to know what i did to deserve this the constant fear of food the constand struggle between what to eat and what to not eat the sturggle between not wanting to eat at all to knwing that i have to to forcing myself to eat to then lsing control and bingign to the purging to the overexercisng. how come some ppl are dealt this hand and others get to b happy. y do i hate myelf so much and others dont. y can i c what they c y can ti c myself clearly y do all i c is fat and grossniness and lard and blubber. i would love for one day even one fucking second to just c myself how other ppl c me

but i just want to b happy but i know that will prob never happen cause im not meant to b happy im meant to b stuck in this endless cycle for the rest of my life cause im that horrible of a person

ugh fuck my life i know im not making ne sense i know that but my head is just crazy and im just typing as things come and i dont expect u guys to acutally understand ne of it but ineeded ot get it out

ima cut tonite just wanted to let u all know my meotins have been crazy and i can usually keep them locked up tight butive wanted to cry all day so yeah the razor will help with that i will feel numb for a lil i will feel better

i wish i didnt have low self esteem and no confidence i wish i wastned depressed or anxious or packined or paranoided iwish i just understood everthing. i cant think nemore i cant deicde nemorei just cant do nehting righti m always goign to b a failure im never oging to b good enough for myself or for nething or neone i will never b able to count on ne1 cause i cant trust ne1 im too scared to trust whole heartldy. the boy has my trust but i jsut cant tell him everyhing he even said on the wkd that i could tell him nething he made me look right at him when he said that idk mayb he was senseing something but can i really tell him about my cutting bout how i purge how i binge how im not as better as he things that i am how my stomach issues and acid reflux or prob from abusing way way way to many pills ugh fuck ima mess

and i wanna keep typing but idk what else to say so i guess i will just end it there if i think of enthing else i will def addmore

i think i might post kristen stewart pics later just to let u guys know and when i do i will read all ur post sorry i just cant do it right now i love her not just as thinspo but shes my fav actress

ok time for me to go like crawl in to a dark hole or sometihng

o last nite i sat here and made 3 shelley mulshine backgrounds and 1 shelley mulshine banner and it hough u gys would like to c them

Lucy Hale