Tuesday, August 17, 2010


total cals so far today-480

*choc chips-100
* 3 slices light 7 grain bread-135
*1 chips ahoy cookie-45
* small apple-60
*1/2 cup blueberries-40
*1 bag 100 cal pretzles-100

plan of dinner
*salad(lettuce(20) croutons(30) cucumbers(5) dressin(5-10))-65
*baked potoate-100

total cals for the day-655

totals cals burned exercising-400

*running 1 mile(5.2mph/11.5min)- 92

*1,213 steps taken-308

net cals-255

ima try adn do some crucnhes tonite as well. thats the plan for dinner and ima drink lots of water and tea to make sure i dont eat after that i have a habit of binging after dinner at nite so lets hope that i dont

im still not sure what i wanna do with everything with recvoering and all im still all freaked the fuck out and i dont know what to do at all so yeah ima confused mess. like a par tof me wants to recover to b happy to b better but i know that i will b fighting this for the rest of my life the voices will always b there they dont just go away i will always have the ana mindset cause that doesnt leave either i will always have the urge to exercise alot cause granted im an exercise addcit i have to do it so yeah is there really a point in me trying to fullly recover when i know there is no way i will ever b so yeah. i would lvoe for my depression to not b as bad amyb i will work on that an di had my panick and freak outs those are killer and my cutting ew slefharming ugh i ahve a feeling that is going to get worse but hey there is nuttingi can do about that so ugh. im still all confused i know

i had to force myself to just eat the food i ate already today cause i didnt want it if i was up ot me i would of just ate the choc chips and not eaten the rest of the day i forget to eat yes i acutally forget eating isnt int he front o fmy mind if i get busy andn im not thinking about it then i just wont eat. i tired today though i hade the toast and a fruit bowl fro breakfast i ended up eating the toast and choc chips for breakfst i packed up the fruit bowl(apple and blueberries) and took then to work with me i didnt eat those til almost 2 and i ate breakfast at 8am i didnt want to eat i had to force it all down its ugh. thanx m for making me eat telling me that i need it for i dont faint and passout uve been great with helping me i know eating is gonna get realy hard it seems my head is fighting me its like deep down i know it wants to recover but it wont let me cause when i start thinking about it my ed gets wrose andpulls me make in for a l il

so idk idk mayb i will try ot just eat a lil more and eat really healthy and just exercise my lil heart out so idk i still got alot of thinking to do

i know i want to fully recover i would prob need thearpy and many pills to help my deprresion anxiety paranoia panick attack

but ugh idk i gotta think and right now i really dont feel like it my head has been going nonstop all day and it just needs a break

and i really though running a mile would burn way more cals ugh that just sucks but i love running so much its so calming and freeing and relaxing if id idnt have runnig i would of went ocmplety crazy already it helps me clear my head i go into another world and its just the best thing in the wolrd

if u guys ever want me ot make u nething like abackground for ur computer just let me know i would b happy too it keeps me occupied and with me occupied and busy is good

1 comment:

  1. love the new layout =)

    i agree running is very calming, i love to run and to walk! i just walked today. not much running but that will get better in time.

    im sorry your in a hard spot right now. its a possitive thing that you are thinking of this on your own though, im glad. ug, i would hate to have pills, im so against chemicals and shit! i hope when the day comes that i start therapy, im not perscribed pills :P