8/18/10

thinxxxspo- thanx hun i love the new layout too i made the banner and i though iwas gonna have to make a background to match but theni found this one in the templates so yay perfect match

ok soi m sitting here with 2 cups of cranberry weight loss tea, 2 bottles of iced cold sports bottle of waters, bowl of 100 cal popcorn and sugar free jello in front of me

so im sure u guys are getting tired of me freaking out about id i should try to reocver or ifi shoudlnt try yeah cause ive been freaking out about htat for days now so ima try and not freak out as much i guess just run its course for now on. if its just hard to decide then its obv that im not ready to recover if i was ready the decision would b easy and right now its the hardest decison ever so im obv not ready not even close

last nite i was dong some reasearch on therapist and stuff. well i went on the somerset hospital website they are teh closest hosptial that treats ed's they speically in anorexia and bulimia. its about 45 minute drive for me so yeah alil far trust me i made the trip once. they have their own li ed wing and its scary as hell to b on it trust me i know i was. i went to a support group there once for ppl with eds it was the scariest thing ever the room si on the ed floor but not on the unit u c the doors that cut u off from ur life though so yeah scary but neway back tot he point i only went to the group once cause it was to overwhelming for me they all wanted to get better or had theapist or had been hospitalized and i just wasnt ready then so i never went back. but neway i went on the webiste and i was reading up on about what they do how u first have to get an assesment and everything and if ur medically stable then u cehck in that same day to a 14 bed unit and hey had a pic of it im guessing if ur not medically stable u get checked in tot he acutally hospital part of it but neway u get checked in that day they acutally tell u to pack a bag of ur things and bring it with u. they also do an ed day program(30 days like 5 hours or so a day of therapy and of course eating) they have outpatient(meets 3 days a week for 5 hours) then they have just the support group that i was talking about earlier yeah most ppl get checked in to the unit but some have beeen recommended to the others. but neway reading all that freaked me out so bad so yeah im not ready so yeah not doing that

the abc family show"make it or break it" is doing an ed story line anorexia to b exact and they are actutally pretty accruate with it the struggle and the lies and jsut everything u knew from the secodn they did sometihng that it was going to develop into that well i knew just cause i suffer from it myself.

im going to try and at least talk tot he boy this wkd just tell him that im struggle alot again wait idk exactlly what im going ot say butim going to try and talk to him about it at least. try is the word cause knowing me i will chicken out and the only way i can get it out is if im not looking at him cause oncei look into hes hurt eyes i will lose it and start bawling like a baby i usually dont cry but seeing the hurt in hes eyes makes me want to and theni sually cant stop or breathe and he has to calm me donw and all

tonite ima make somemore computer backgrounds mainly for my bff cause hes been the best and has put up with my crazy anorexic ass for over a year now we have never meet in person but she is my best friend we talk everyday we meet over a year ago on fuck idk what site it was but i know its closed now and has been clsoed for awhile and she desrves a thank u so ima make those later and work on them this wkd i will upload them tomy photobucket fo ru guys can c them. and i will post them on here when im done

food log:
*24 bing cherries-90
*5 fatfree saltines-60
*6 ounces baby carrots-60
*100 cal bag popcorn-100
*box of made sf jello-40
*few spoons vanilla ice cream-?

drinks
*3 cups cranberry hot weightloss tea-9
*liter of water-0
*2 sport bottle of water-0
*sobe life water0-0

exercise
*8,182 steps taken- 201 cals burned
*65 min elly- 488 cals burned