8/29/10

so date nite with the boy on friday nite went pretty well i guess ppl tell me i didnt eat much but i think that i ate way to much if u ask me ih ave me eating wy to much lately and i hate myself for it but neway we went to red robin. we always go there but this time the waitress sucked ass and she was annoying and i wanted to punch her in the face and i told the boy that hes like i am rubbing off on u well yeah duh 7 years together will do that crazy but neway alot of ppl where complianing about her she was running away like crazy forgetting things, messing up orders it took for ever to get our food and then even longer to get the dessert it was crazyiness. so i decded that i was gonna b noraml well normal in my world and get a soy bruger on a whole wheat bun instead of my nomrla appl harvest chicken salad. yes i know what ur all thinking normal is a soy burger for u ha yes it is i dont eat red meat i have never eaten red meat and if u ask the boy he will say that i have never ever inmy life ever ate like a nomral person. but neway i didnt eat much of it cause i realized that after i got it i didnt want it so the boy said " i have no prolbem with u getting whatever u want from newhere at netime but i want u to eat it so from now on no more soy burngers u get ur salad cause i know u will eat that" so look who just got her ticket to eat salad all the time and i dont have to eat normal meals yay for that. he knows me though and as u knjow he knows alot aboutm y ed so hes being more understaning aned letting meeat what he knows tha ti will eat for at least that i am eating u know. i got dessert there i know that i shoudlnt of but i love their hot apple crisps dessert i get it with out the carameli know the cals are like thru the roof fucking insane but i love it an dits the only time i eat ne kind of apple pie so.

food during date nite:
* 3 bites plain soy burger
*ate the top of the roll
*way way to many fries(he calls me the fry queen cause i prob could just live on fries and nuttin else)
*1 mozzy sitck
*3/4 of a hot apple crisps dessert

so i tol the rest of my burger home and the rest of the mozzy sticks as well. but red robin has a cloaw machine and the boy is addicted to the calw machine so he had to play it but he wont me 2 things yay :) love him for that no ijust plain out love him :) so he wont me a dolphin and a green floppy ear dog

yesterday (8/29/10)

bad bad day def a bad day food wise ugh idk y i did it and i stil hate myself for it so ugh but neway i had to work 9-1pm yesterday so im like ok if i eat my burger and mozzy sticks b4 work theni dont have to eat nething the rest of the day and i can burn that off so yeah i had the rest o fmy food in the moring well not all o fmy soy bruger but u know what i mean and theni freaked out but i kept telling myself that it would b ok and i wouldnt eat nething the rest of the day. well that didnt go as planned di's last day of work was yesterday and the boss deicded to throw her a party after she was down with her swim lessons yeah so he had fried chicekn, cowslaw, and pasta salad i mangaed to avoid all that ijust sat with them drinking my water but i coudlnt get out of the cake that he got her so i had to have a slice of cake it was vanialla cake and the icing was so fucking sweet it hurt my stomach so bad ugh.

but yeah the bosses gf is an ass andshe yelled a tme yesterday casue app she cant take a fucking joke welli wasn treally joking i was just being my sarcastic ass self and yeah well she bought a enw basket to put the tan towels in at work ugh shes gotta stop thinking that she runs and owns the place cause news flash she doesnt but neway the old basket had a handle that went up and around so it was really easy to grab the new one doesnt have a handle at all shes like look what i got and i got " o ayeah lets just make it hard for me to pick up thanx for tht" and i luagh whle i say this then she goes god b grateful for once in ur life im like i was joking and i said thanx and she walks away like fuck she needs toj ust leave me alone and stop thinkng that she can run my life and the store ugh. and then we were sitting in the room eating cake and one of the clients came in yes shes smaller in size but neay b4 she came in she lit a cig and had a fewpuffs nuttin wrong with that well not in my world at least and then the they are all talking saying wtf is wrong with her y did she do that yeah so the gf goes goes cause shes anorexics and needs to just eat already yeah i got up and left after thea comment

im tired of ppl assuming the wrong thing about this disease they ahve no idea what it is to have this disease how lonely and hard and depressing it is how the guilt from food weighs on u everyday how ur always anxious and just ugh and so on and so on and its like ppl assume that we just dont eat o yeah we eat but do we eat like them no we dont nor can we can

well enough of that rant cause thats just a never ending battle there ugh but neway i didnt get out of work til after 3 so yeah i didnt wash my car like i wanted to but i did apply to 2 more jobs one is a client assocaite at a hospital(its like clerical work, data entry and like greetin customers) and the other was clerical work at this big businnes thing. i got an email from the hosptail already saying that my resuem meet the miniumum requiremtns for the job that theyare reviewing others and if i meet the standards i will b called for aninterview, ireally hope i get an interview ive applied to over 10 jobs thismonth and i havent been on one interview yet

food log:
*mozzy sticks
*rest of soy burger
*slice of cake
*choc chips
*cherries
*chicken nuggets and fries from mcdonals(the boy came over at 3 am and watned to share so i hade to have some of those ugh)

but yeah so i started reading "empty" by christie pettit its a good book so far but she talks way to much about religion and god like dont get me wrong i have no problem with ppl being religoius as long as they dont push it on me u know what imean i didnt grow up religous at all my parents didnt force that on me u know we always had our own choice but n the book she talks about relgion alot and how god was gonan help her recover and allthat shit ima firnish reading it dont get me wrong cause it is good i will just have to gloss over all the religous shit. but what i really like the the begining of each chapter she has a page from her journal that she kept at that time in her life and its nce to read her own thoughs exaclty how they were written when she was going thru her ed

so today i already fucked up once again food wise i had some cookies and some fiber one cereal no milk kugh i gotta stop eating like this im never gonna get skinny or nething if i keep eating likea fat ass mother fucker lard ass ugh. i gotta gtet blood work down after labour day for my choelstrol then i had to go to the docs to get the results then to pph to buy more birth control. so yeahi wanna lose weight by then the lasts time i was at the docs with my pheunmonia the scale said 106 with clothes and shoes so im hoping i can get that to come down a lil or a alot u know me im not picky andmy doc doesnt care so i wanan lose weight

i kinda gave up ont he hoel therapise search at the moment cause i cant find one and this town is so msall and i dont wanna have to drive over an hour for therapy cause my head just cant do that i get lost in it and then i cant concentrate and then i zone out and thaqts not good at all eseically when im trying to drive a car i dont wanna kill some1 else or myself cause i cant concentrate while im driving

so today ima clean my car it needs a good clean and then i gotta do crucnhes and shit caus my sotmach is just so huge i drank some laxs tea last nite but it hasnt worked yet at all ugh that is just sucky cause i need all of it out ugh hate my life

but neway love ua ll rant over i think