8/10/10

ok so since my acid reflux is being a major pain in my ass lately ive come to a decision cause really i cant take it nemore. ive been nasuous since yesterday cause i ate way to much dairy. its really ahrd to try and eat ur sup at lunch when its coming back up an its own and u gotta shallow it back down. i know i should of just let it come up and threw it all up but i cant once i let myself involuntarily throw up then ima start doing it on purpose again i really dont need to b purging 3 times a day again fuck did it kill my throat and i dotn wanna go back down the bulimic road again its not pretty and its such a hard toll on my body. ive broken ever blood vessel on my face to many times to count, 2 of my knuckles are prementally red and u can so tell y. so yeah no not again not happening.

so the plan was to try and go vegan again but as im sitting there at work trying not to puke i knew i coudlnt go completely vegan cause do u have ne idea how manyt hings have eggs and milk in there and i love granola bars and that means i woudlnt b able to eat them nemore. and iknow u can buy all the soy bars and soy everything and vegan everything but fuck guys im not made of money i can barely pay all my bills as it is.

*so oncei finish the cheese that i bought at last shopping trip i am not buying that again cause a)its my fav binge purge food and 2) dairy fucks with my acid refulx more the acidic foods do

*ima cut down my ice cream intake im an ice cream junky so its gonna b fucking hard as hell for me to do but im determined i can do this i can do nething i put my mind too so if i can cut it down to once a week i think thats good. iwill just have ice cream with the boy on fridays it makes him happy to c me eating it and he knows i love it so if i say no he bugs til i say yes so ice cream fridays only unless he gets me some during the week which he nomrally doesnt

*once i finish the 100 cal butter popcorn bags i have i wont buy those nemore either cause butter is dairy and its fucking full o fat so yeah i cant buy that nemore i just cant i can buy plain popcorn from now on if i want some popcorn

*only eat chicken on fridays with the boy. its the only meat i eat i hate red meat and pork and jsut everything else ew the only meat i eat is turkey or chicken but i barely eat turkey. and ivet ried to cut out chicken completely b4 but the boy says ii need the protein so i will eat it with himon our date nites. he know i usualy dont eat it during the week and hes fine with that

*eggs avoid eggs as much as possilbe i noramlly dont cook eggs neway so that will b so easy soemteims i do crave eggs and if i do i can make myself some egg whites

*eat as many fruits and veggies as possible cause a) they are just so damn yummy and low cal and 2) i love fruit and veggies and i pretty much live on them as it is

*cut back ont he junk i have a sweet tooth and lately is been cookies oreos to b exact damn my mother for buying them ugh but ima take her advice"learn some damn willpower and stop eating" so yes after today no more cookies i nomrally dont crazy choc im more of a gummy sour kind of a girl and as long as its low cal and low fat i will still allow myself to eat them in moderation of coruse

its just a rough draft of everything im sure my over active head will think more thru out the next couple days and change things add thigns take things out itend to over think everyhting i get lost in my head and then tihngs just get all fuckery and confusing but eventaully it all makes sense and works itself out u know what i mean

and im also punishing myself and hiding my scale from myself cause its been all over the place the past couple days if its higher theni expect it to b i end up binging then the next day its lower and i dont understand how but then i think i ca eat a ll more give myself a treat but then fuck am i wrong so yeah no scale for awhile i gotta lose weight and get my control back and the scale just messes with me so i will go by how big my cltohes get and when i can find my tape measure i will meausre again

i know its all prob confusing and i prob dont make ne sense but hey thats me u eithe rlove me or hate me and most ppl hate me for some reason but o well
so yeah i gotta eat less cause i dont knwo what normal is its either to lil or to much and id rather eat the to lil
and i also gotta force myself to drink alot more cause i dont wanna b passing out form dehyrdaion again so water and flaovred water and tea=my friend just keep drinking drinking drinking

k ima go and keep wathcing the pretty lil liars marathon that ive been watching all day yes i was even wathcing it at work
love u all