8/4/10

well first off i wanted to thank my one ana friend for being so amazing last nite and talking to me and distracting me for i wouldnt go and purge i would of hated myself after and she stopped me and kept my mind off of it so thank u hun

unfortunally i did cut but hey i cant distract myself from everything ugh and dont wory they arent deep cause i need me razors so these are dull as fuck and barely break the skin so i didnt get as much of a release as i wanted but i got a li one at least

so i kinda came up with a new plan it freaks me the fuck out bu ti have to do it. my heart has been botheirng me alot lately and my heartrate goes all over the place it drops low to the point where i get so weak and tired that i can barley love an di almost pass out. and i cant b nealry passing out every day multiple times a day that just isnt right at all. and he has lead to binges cause it bothers me so much that i know i need to eat so then i eat and i eat to much and its always at nite hence y i wasnt on last nite i binged hated myself and just coudlnt bring myself to b online. yes so i freaked out today made aplan well a general idea of a plan. i dont want my heart to stop in the middle of the nite and i also dont want to have a heart attack at 24 i want to b able to marry my boyfriend some day so i need to keep myself alive to alil while longer for i can do that.


so ready everyone heres the plan well general idea of it. it might change alil and i might add a few more options of food but this is what i came up with today. and yes its organized times and everything i like my schedules

mondays-thursdays

8am-breakfast-either dry cereal, oatmeal, or small fruit bowl

11am-snack-1 serving of fruit

between 12pm-1pm-lunch- either soup or small salad

between 3pm-4pm- snack-either 1 serving of fruit or granola bar

between 6pm-7pm-dinner- either soup, salad, or veggies or a compo of the 2

10pm-snack- 1 serving of fruit or if i do really good thru out the day mayb some popcorn or a different snack


fridays

since fridays are date nite with the boy i usually dont eat much thru out the day cause he makes me eat more at dinner like i usually have to have some of hes appetizer im usually allowed to get a salad for dinner though so yay for that and sometimes he makes me have dessert of a snack later. so im think during the day on fridays i will just have some low cal juice i have tropicana 50 in my fridge. and then also some fruit just enough to keepme from passing out. if im weak o well i just dont wanna pass out


saturdays and sundays

those depended i pretty much have to play those my ear becuase i dont have a set schedule on the wkds yes i usually do work but he times are different and sometimes o do have off so its reallly hard to have a scheudle for those

so as u c ih ave to eat alil more in order to keep my heartrate up wnough to keep me from falling over i gotta eat a lil something every couple hours. those times have a reason those snack r at times when i normally get really weak and tired and when it usually drops.. i talked to my one friend in canada and she works with heartsl ike ekg's and shjit like that she said eating every couple of hours is a good idea but i should also b drinking gatorade or powerade. but yeah i have an intense fear of drinking things with cals so idk how well that is going to work out buti guess we will c

let me know what u guys think of the paln if u have ne of other ideas or suggestions u know im always up for differnt opinons

today i spent 2 hours of my 3 hour sshift lifeguarding the first houw was spent lifegurading the day care kids 12 of them. they are cute and adorable but drive me nuts cause they are either crying or complaining or not listening but they like to talk to me alot so i talk to them and everything and i try to not yell to much. u knowi get paranoid and having 12 kids lives in my hands makes me even more paranoid so yeah

second hour i wasnt relaly lifeguarding lifeguarding i was pretty much running back and forth between the pool area and tan side. the swimmers are older ladies who come in and swim 3 times a week so i know they are ok so it doesnt really matter

the last hour of my shift ijust folded towels and cleaned beds and just noraml keep busy stuff

after work when tot he gym yay for gym i got a very good workout in like an amazing workout i know im going to b paying for it later and iknow i will prob passout form it later but god it felt good to work out that much

rest of the nite ima relax try and not pass out and read and stretch might even throw in some crunches as well

food log
breakfast
*frozen berry medaly mix- 175 cals
*cup of hot green cranberry promgrante tea-0 cals
*bottle of water

fuckup
*4 rainbow keebler choc chip cookies-?

at work10-1pm
*sport bottle of water
*sobe life water 0
*2 tomatoes-50 cals
*miracle whip light-20 cals

dinner(went out and bought after gym)
*grilled chicken ceaser salad no dressing-240 cals
*got a packette of raspberry vingeraate dressing 4 salad-45 cals
*vitamin water 0

exercise
*30 min elly level 5-206 cals burned
*30 min tready hill workout level 13 speed 3.0-117 cals burned
*30 min bike level 5-167 cals burned
*another 30 min on elly level 5- 220 cals burned
*steps taken thru out day- 7,788- 193 cals burned

im def going to have more tea today i love tea and i only had 1 cup of tea so far today so i will prob have like 2-3 more cups thru out the nite tonite
and im going to have to have a snack b4 bed to keep my heart from stoppingin the middle of the nite

i think sometime this wkd im going to have to redo my blog, make sure im following all u loveiles and delete the blogs that i follow that haven tbeen updated in ages and im thinking about mayb chanign my background and layout and shit hmmm