8/16/10

ok so this porb wont make sense 2 u guys or neone really but i need to get this out and ramble and shit so im sorry if it makes no sense

height -5' 4.5- 5'5 i claim 5'5 though its easier
current weight-newhere between 103-106(scale is being a bitch and changing its mind all the time)
weight 2 weeks ago-101(ugh can i have my almost pheunmia back for i can lose weight)

what happned over the past year or so of my relapse:

*oded on caffeiene pills

*abused diet pills, diuretics, laxs(still do acutally)

*started smoking from time to time again

*self harm( i use to just hit my body against something but for the past year i have been cutting and burning)

*high cholestrol

*high blood pressure

*irregulare heart rate

*horrid acid reflux

*almost died from dehyrdation

*heat exhaustion

*verge of pheunmonia

*weight has bounced newhere between 94-110lbs

*started binging and buffing

*exercised way more then normal(and normal is alot since im an exercise addcit)

*the boyfriend now knows about my ed

*coworker/bestfriend knows about my cutting

*memory lose/ blanks

*depression

*anxiety

*panic attack



lowest weight- somewhere in the 80's 4 years ago

today hasnt been one of my best days acutally its been an extrememly low one my head is so fucking confused cause im just so tired im so tired of everything of being sick of having this diesease of the depressino and anxiety. of constantly worrying about what to eat what not ot eat the cal count the fat count of houw long i have to work out to burn that off to purge or not to purge to binge or not to binge to just stop eating ocmplety again and starve myself again to get better for the boy to get better for myself relapsing hating myself i hate myself so much ihate looking in the mirror i hate what i see cause im so damn ugly and fat. all i wanna do is b happy to b normal to b those girls who are normal who dont worry about what they eat the cals of everything i dont want to hide nemore i dont want to b scared or panciked or anxious nemore but u know what that is who i am and as much as i hate it i cant change it even if i want too.

ive been going back and forth today from considering recovery to saying fuck it then back and froth back and forth there are so many thoughts going thru my head i cant think straight. i freaked out on so many ppl today and i tahnk u all for dealing with me and giving me things to think about. to saying that i can do this that im strong enough to beat this even though i know im not causei have treid to beat thi before and everytime i relapse its worse then before which is saying soemtihng cause this year has been bad what if i do try and recover and i fail and i relapse how much worse can i get god if i relapse one more time i will prob die idk how much more my body can take cause ive put it thru hell as it is u know what i mean.

so back to the recovery thing im not going to make a decison on it right away ima think about it all this week and hopefullly if im not to much of a chicken talk to the boy this weekend wheni c him c how he reacts what he thinks i know he will prob say that im fine that im not bad but idk if he can deny it nemore my weight keeps going up and down 5 bls every 2 weeks or so and he has to c that. but i just dont know nemore cause im so confused

idk if i can do it on my own my one ana friends thinks i cant that i prob need ip and therapy and everything but i have to much going on for that theres no way i can just up and dorp everything to check myself into a hospital and i dont wanna b in a hopsital and therapy scars the shit out of me. takling to some sttranger a stranger that will judge me and look down on me who doesnt understand me ugh so confused. and im not good with talk ing about my feelings or what im thinking i always shut those down cause its easier to not deal with them then to deal with them.

and what if i do try it on my own am i really strong enough to do that to not look at cals to not count cals everything. i still cant buy high cal things i really wanted mashied potatoes the other day and th esotre had some prepackged ones yeah utrned it over the bowl was like 3 servings 200cals poerserving yeah coudlnt do it i put it back down.

my head is constanlty filled with thoughs of food what to eat what to not eat how many cals is this thing or that thing low fat non fat carbs proteing just evetyhing its a never ending cycle of food food has such a control over me my ed controls me and iknow thats not right but i want it toi wan the contorl that it can give me i want to b thin and fragile and perfect and breakable

so y cant i be happy what did i do to deserve this disease am i such a horrible person that i deserved this i would love to know what i did to deserve this the constant fear of food the constand struggle between what to eat and what to not eat the sturggle between not wanting to eat at all to knwing that i have to to forcing myself to eat to then lsing control and bingign to the purging to the overexercisng. how come some ppl are dealt this hand and others get to b happy. y do i hate myelf so much and others dont. y can i c what they c y can ti c myself clearly y do all i c is fat and grossniness and lard and blubber. i would love for one day even one fucking second to just c myself how other ppl c me

but i just want to b happy but i know that will prob never happen cause im not meant to b happy im meant to b stuck in this endless cycle for the rest of my life cause im that horrible of a person

ugh fuck my life i know im not making ne sense i know that but my head is just crazy and im just typing as things come and i dont expect u guys to acutally understand ne of it but ineeded ot get it out

ima cut tonite just wanted to let u all know my meotins have been crazy and i can usually keep them locked up tight butive wanted to cry all day so yeah the razor will help with that i will feel numb for a lil i will feel better

i wish i didnt have low self esteem and no confidence i wish i wastned depressed or anxious or packined or paranoided iwish i just understood everthing. i cant think nemore i cant deicde nemorei just cant do nehting righti m always goign to b a failure im never oging to b good enough for myself or for nething or neone i will never b able to count on ne1 cause i cant trust ne1 im too scared to trust whole heartldy. the boy has my trust but i jsut cant tell him everyhing he even said on the wkd that i could tell him nething he made me look right at him when he said that idk mayb he was senseing something but can i really tell him about my cutting bout how i purge how i binge how im not as better as he things that i am how my stomach issues and acid reflux or prob from abusing way way way to many pills ugh fuck ima mess

and i wanna keep typing but idk what else to say so i guess i will just end it there if i think of enthing else i will def addmore

i think i might post kristen stewart pics later just to let u guys know and when i do i will read all ur post sorry i just cant do it right now i love her not just as thinspo but shes my fav actress

ok time for me to go like crawl in to a dark hole or sometihng

o last nite i sat here and made 3 shelley mulshine backgrounds and 1 shelley mulshine banner and it hough u gys would like to c them