8/21/10

so i guess u guys wanna know what is going on with me sinc eive been going back and forth between recovery and not recovery and i coudlnt make up my mind. i know i was driving ua ll nuts but ive made a decision well sorta it was sorta made for me and sorta not so idk

but im sitting om my floor right now yes i have a queen size bed or is it king idk but i got a big bed and instead of sitting on it im sitting on the floor im weird i know but o well i hopeu guys lov eme neway

so i had the talk with the boyfriend last nite it was hard and difficult and my eyes still hurt from me crying so much but it was good to have the talk no matter how hard it was it was good cause the tnesion was tearing me and him apart. if i went on and if i told u exaclty waht was said this would b a very long post and i dont want to make u guys read it but neway.

it all started out at dinner and app i was acting weird more werid then nomrla so i told him my head was just bothering me alot and after alil while he finally understood what i was talking about hes first reaction was not a good one pretty much said that we were done if i did that again and that i had to eat my food. so needless to say i ate smore then i would nomrally but i wanted himt o b happy and not mad at me. we went to applesbees i got the crispy orange chicken(u can look up whats in it on the applebees website) i nomrally would only eat 1/4 of it but i ended up eating half of it instead. and then i got dessert b4 he use to make me get dessesrt but now i can choose if i want it ot not and last nite i didnt want it but i did so i got it tomake him happy and heknows i would rather eat dessert rather then acutal food so i hot the hot apple sizzle pie it was good had a scoop of vanilla ice cream on it i got it without the caramel sauce i dont like caramel much i ate all of the dessert

i was still shut off when he said what he did i just shut myself off thats my go to cause im bad with handling my emotions im not good at all with them but yeah i shut myselg off we decided to go tot he movies after i didnt have to get nething there thankgod cause i didnt want nemore food in my system as it was. my the theater has a ll aracade so he went andplayed the claw machine and he wont me 32 lil stuffed animals( a blue dolphine, a yellow snack and a purple platapus). we saw dinner with the smucks(sp) it was a good movie funny not as funny as the other guys but still funny'

we went home after that and thats were the real conversation started i knew we had to have it. he doesnt understand the disease and he thinks that just cause im eating that im ok so i had to try and explain the disease to him in a way that he would understand i had to use like metphors and shit. he assumes that anorexics just dont eat so i had to explain to him thats thats not true that we eat wejust dont eat normal nor do we know how to eat normal i know with me its either low low cals or binging there is no inbetween and i had to explain that to him like i said i either eat to lil or to much hes like how do u eat to much im like u know how when ur full u stop eating hes like yeah im like i dont do that i dont stop when im full heslike what are u a dog not knowing when ur full im like no and then we talked even more i told him about how hard and lonley and depression and stressful this disease is i told him about my depression and my anxiety my panic attacks. he was shocked that i was depressed im like im fine when im with u u make me happy but ur not hear during the week and its not ur fault but ur not hear and my 2 lil cousins make me happy but i only have them 1-2times a week if that. so yeah he knows i have drepssion he knows about my freakouts and my panicks i told him that i try to eat more normal sometimes for him but then ifreakout and panic and it doesnt end well hes like well u cant panick its not good for ur heart. he finally realized that my heart issues are from my ed it finally cliked hes lke y im like i put my body thru hell for years of coruse he has affects. (this converstaion took forever are nt u glad om giving u the short version) im like i want to b happy i want to c myself the way others c me i dont want to die but its going to kill me and i cant stop it on my own. hes like i dontwant to lose u i dont want to worry about u nemore i wanna think about u but not in a worry away. so then we had the hole what are we gonna do talk u know hospoitals treatments thearpy all that shit. he wanted me to try it on my own but i made him understand that that wasnt psossible

so way long story short we diecided on therapy fo rnow cause i dont himi didnt want a hoptial i didnt want to b admitted and b away from him hes like u dont look good but u dont look deahtly skinny im like that doesnt mean nething at all

so i have to try and find a therapist close to me that isnt to expensive casue i dont have insurance or much money. i know somerset hoptial hasnt many didnt treamtments but its a 45 minute drive and i dont wanna drive that far everytime i have to go i know if i do end up needing ip thats were i would go but i hope 2 find therapu close to me at least well closer at least. so its therapy for now ima try ad get better but dw im not leaving u guys still gonna come on if it gets to much i will let u know and take a few days away but neway he wants me to start it as soon as possible so yeah

but hes on vacation the week after next so yay i will get to c him everyday :) at least i will get some sleep then ihavent been sleeping much at all cause my head just wont shut up its always constanlty going but when hes around i can usually get a dfew extra hours in that i despretly need. i always asked him if we coudl spen a day together while he was off he slike yes if u can promise urgoin to b ok that day then we can im like i cant promise that but i can try hes like ok what do u wanna do i suggest hershey park(amussement park) i love rollercoasters hes like ok we will figure out a day see if u can get off of work and then i'll fc if 2 ppl will come with us amursemnt parks are better with 4 ppl and i agree with him on that so yay hes like i'll also c if i can find something to do that we havent done yet so it will b sometihng different

so thats the story of last nite my crazy self is going to therapy

this mornig i went tot he gym yes i knw that i shouldnt b going but exercise keeps me calm and yeah i need it and he understand thats so he let me go i worked out a lil more then i should but i need it

i did:

*65 min on elly around the worl hill work outlevel5- 489 cals burned

*35 min on elly kilamagro(sp) hill work out level 6- 263 cals butned

*8,867 steps taken thru out the day- 232 cals burned

work was just stresssful as fuck u have no idea my boss has made up all these new rules out of the blue like dont get me wrong i have no problem with following rules but he shouldnt just change them whenever he wants like i have been there for 4 years i have been following the rules that were givng to me then at that time we coudl wear whatever we want as long as it wasnt hoochie or likeinapportaites so yeah now we all have to wear shirts which i dont mind makes getting dress easier and jeans. but now heres are hes new rules that ima have to talk to him about

*tan shirt with either khakis shorts or pants no middriff showing if bigger tuck in

*earrings can only have 2 holes or if u have more must b covered my hair

*no tattoos showing

*no facial peircings(tongue or nose)

*no sitting is allowed nemore most stand and find things to do

and a shit load of others like fuck im not buying a howl new wardrobe for this fucking job i shoudlnt have to if a job reguirs to wear specific things they are suppose to pay for it and doubt he will so he can fire me idc i dont have the money to buy khakis i work alot u guys know that and i cant just go buy ne khakis i need certain brands that fit.

now the middriff i understand that but 2 of the sirts we have to wear are baby tees that a given that some skin will show so i guess i will have to start wearing longer shirts underneath my other shirt

ok the earring thing pisses me off i have 9 piercinsin each ear and im not taking them out he cant make me they havent been a proble sicne ive been working there and ive had them the hole time and he cant tell me that i have to wear my hari down all the time to hide them thats just fucking ridc

and i dont udnerstan how he can just take the chair away and make us stand all the time thats like inhuman and shit ugh hes always sititng hes never standing for long periods of time so y should i and it says if its slow find something to do clean there always seomthing to do. u know what its slow season it will b slow season until like april so hes fucking outof hes mind i am there 6 days a week at least and thats 6 days in a row liek how much cleaning does he expect me to do i wll b repeating this constantly and [rob in the same day. when i was first hire di was told we were allowed to sit and read or do homework as long as all the work gets done and all the work always gets done so idk

and i refuse to eat lunch standing up so i guess im not eating that nemore so thats gonna jeoporidize my recovery but ugh i get tired very easily i tire quicly more then nomrla ppl do cause of this disease and ima have a hell of a tiem trying to stand all the time

idk maybe im making to big of a deal of it but i just find it fucked up that he just keeps chaning hes mind all the time and where are my raises the paper says we are suppose to get .50 cent raise when we get our tanning cert and a .50 cent raise when we get our lifeguard one i have had both for over a year and i have not seen those raises and ugh i guess i have alot oof talking to do to him on monday adn i gotta try and stay calm and not get to mad or worked up but hes being ridc with everything its like he does nuttin all day like i work the tan side and when hes there hes suppose to do hes side the dvie side cause hes the diver the insturctor the fucking owner but does he know he wont even answer hes phone so im always running around like crazy regardless and then add in if some1 is swimming then its me runnig back and forth between all 3 parts of the building he driv eme bonkers

then hes gf cam in today and was like the things ur sayin to ppl are getting back to him u knowdont burn ur bridges mind ur pand q's and take it up with him but u have a job dont ruin that

to tell u the trust i coudl care less if he fires me then i coudl collect unepmployemnt adn work temp jobs and focus on me trying to get better i know i will struggle even more with my bills then i already do but it would b worth it to have less stress ugh i just hate everyone right now well him mostly cause fuck ugh

after i finally got out of work i stopped at the mall i need more earrings cause i lose mine all the time the backs fall off then the studs and yeah needless to say i go thru earrings like crazy welli went to kohls and claires while i was there. at kohls i got a 3 pack of heandbands and 2 think elastic beaded bans they look like cuffs but go all the way around. at claires i got 3 9 pack of stud earings in color adn just plain shinny they had a special buy 2 get one freee so yay

after taht went to dd and go tmy large unsweetened iced tea im srsly addicted tothis stuff a large only 10 cals and only $1.92 yay yay aya

i got home and got to talk to m thanx for talking to me hun it was the best i really do love talking to u cause u really are the best i love u and i wished that we lived closer for we could hang out

i have to start looking for a therapist soon



food log so far:

*2 chips ahpy cookes-5am-cals idk

*nature valley 2 pack bars-8am-190 cals

i havent really drank much today but ima work out that i knw im not drinkng nore so yeah

for dinner ims just heat up the left overs form last nite and have that and try not to freak out when i eat it


ooo i took my measuremnts yestterday here they are:

height-5'5

weight-103lbs

waist-23 1/2 inches

hips-29 inches

thighs-17 inches

neck-12 inches

wrist-5.5inches

bust-32 inches



o i bought the september issue of vogue yesterday at target as well with gum, werthers sf hard candy, green tea pills i started flipping thru it last nite i love it fashion love it

ok so i guess i should eat something and find myself a therapist i love u all

my outfit from last nite