Thursday, August 5, 2010
so idk when im going to b back to myeslf and i know i porb sound crazy to all of u guys but my depression hits me hard and fast and soemtimes it goes away quickly and other times it stays around and i gotta fake my way thru my day more then i normally have to. i have mild depression always its always waiting til i get to weak waiting til it can take over and totally turn my life upside down and inside out. ive never been diagnosed i just disgnose myself i dont trust doctors they are fucking judgemental pricks so i hid emy ed my depression my anxiety my parania my self harming for them. i dont let them in i really dont let ne1 in. the boy can tell when im not myself and its happening alot more lately soi try and hide it more from him i hurt him enough with my eating disorder i dont nee him to know aobut everything else. yes i hide everything else about me he only knows about my anorexia. ilove him more then i love myself and it does kill me everydya to c the hurt in hes eyes to know that i did that to him.
i know im prob not makng much sense right now my head is just a mess and i dotn know what to do nemore should i keep fighting my ed and not letting it take over completely or should i let it tak over complelty again knowing that last time that happened it nearly kill me. but im so tired of fighting i just want to let it take over for i dont have to try nemore if that makes ne sense.
i desperatly want to keep myself alive long enough for i can at least marry him at somepoint but idk if he will ever want to get married and idk if im even going to make it past 30 im 24 now so thats 6 years. and idk ifim ever going to have teh kids that i want cause i doubt my body can handle that right now or ever.
i feel like i just dont belong newhere nemore that im a failure and that no1 likes me or even cares im just so diconnected from everything. i cant do nething right i cant even get a call back for jobs that a monkey can do.
i applied for 3 jobs on sunday its now almost friday. they are admin clerical filing secertary work at hospitals and app i dont even quailfy for that
i cant stay at the job i have much longer im getting burnt out i work so much for a lil amount of money i can barely pay my bills. my boss doesnt appreciate nehting i do for him when i do everything for me i pretty much run hes business for him and he wont give me a raise or fuck even talk to me. i worked for him for 4 years now and we use to have a good relationship now idk what i did but he wont talk to me he only talks to me when he has to when he as to tell me something other then that he ingores me will walk right past me and say nuttin w hat so even its a small business during the day its only me and him working usually only me working cause he leaves wheni get there
so fuck ijust dont know nemore i wish i could get my head straight and just make sense of everything