Wednesday, January 5, 2011

1/5/11

ok i guess its time to b honest and tell everyone how sick ir ly am i guess how this disease fucks u up how my body is slowly failing me and im dieng but i cant do enthing about it so i hope the truth doesnt scare u but i hope its mkaes some ppl(wannas) turn away from thinking its cool to have ane d that is doesnt cause consequences cause really it does so list time

*i cant eat nething with out being in pain like literally evetyeim i eat nething i get massive pain in my stomach
*stomach acid is constanly coming up even when i dont eatjust drink something hi there acid
*im constanly tired no matter what i could sleep or not sleep it doesnt matter
*constan pain everday second of every day there is osme part of my body that hurts
*cant focus or concntrate i zone out constantly all thet iem even when im driving
*have chest pains daily usually wake up with them they are so bad that they wake me up
*have trouble breathing most days even worse when i work out my lungs dont like me
*my heart can go from 60 bpm to over 200 in the matter of seconds
*always cold
*headaches on a daily basis
*massive side pains and stomach pains they dont happenmuch nemore but when they doi feel lik eim being stabbed and i double over in pain
*i black out alot i will like lose seconds sometimes minutes of my day and idk what happens
*depressin enough said there
*random bouts of my sotmach nothandling food and it throws it up on its own accord with no help from me


um thers more i just cant think
o and i almost passed out today i was between the standing blacking out and nearly falling phase love it. i was at work of course cause hats were most bad things happen butits a good thing i wasnt odign nething iwas just standing there leaning against a rack talking to a manager and 2 other girls that work there and i got really hot like sweating an dmy heart starting beating of my chest was having a lil toruble breathing my eyes starte to roll back(i kept my self conscious though im gooa at keeping myself standing) this happend with anhour left of work so i had to try and not freak out that hole time causei freak out alot, i hate that feeeling though the in between were u dotn know if ur acutally gonna pass out or not ugh hate it but hats a part of this disease

i worked 7 hours today and 6and half of those were spent stanidng on my feet the halfhorui wasnt was my break an di went and sat in the break room tomm i work 6 hours and friday i work 8 hours love it

iima start planning out my food the day b4 and then sticking to it asmuch as i can i tend to make lil changes to it whent he day comes dpeenidn on how im feeling but molsy i stick to it

food log for today

breakfast
*few spoons ice crean
*cup chicken broth-10
*cup of veggie soup-45
*,ug of green tea
*bottle of water

snack
*20 cherris-80

lunch at work
*2 ounces carrots
*handful skittles
*handful mike and ikes

dinner
*reducded sodium chicken noodle soup-160
*liter of water
*bowl of tositos

ima work out soon prob do air bike and curnches i just wanted to relax alil getmy heart back to normal b4 i work out

soplan for tomm
b-cup of veggie soup(45), cup chicken broth(10) tea and water
s-banana
l-2 ounches of carrots cup of veggie broth
d-um some kind fo soup nt usre what kind of a turky shandwhcin cant decide

ahve my cousins tomm but i only get to c them a lil in th emoring b4 i go to work buti cant wait to c my 3 lil munchins love them so much

my head has been yelling at me alot lately and for the first time i carve da word into i usually just cut lines i never did a word but i did yesterday and surprislnlgy it wasnt a bad wor i did "forza" on my left inner wrist forza means "strength" in italian its not deep and will prob heal witho ut ne visible scar but im temtped to reopen it an dmake it a visival scar

__________________________________________________________

gem-thanx hunny

scarlet-the thing is and dont take this the wrong way but this sint a diet im not on a diet i have a disease and ive had this disease for along time i wish it was just as easy as a diet but life fuckign sucks and its not

undesribale number 1- ima have to get that book and trust me if i could get an ekg i would buti have no health insurance an di work in retail not realy swimming in cash

sarah and needlesedge- thanx both of u

4 comments:

  1. are you going to see a doctor?! I want you to get better!
    hang in there!
    xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm glad you are honest with us, but most importantly with YOURSELF about the side-effects of your eating disorder.

    Luckily, I am old enough to have already been through the real thing. That's what my teenage years WERE. Now, I don't think I'll ever go back to being severely underweight. I just want to be thinner, not necessarily be the emaciated skeleton that I used to want to be.

    I know that's hard to control, but by controlling my depression with medication, yoga, and by maintaining close relationships, I feel that I can control how far I will let myself go with my restricting and exercising, too.

    I hope you find some relief from your depression, too. For me, my depression and anxiety CAUSED my eating problems. I didn't start not eating and THEN become depressed, you know? So maybe that's the part you have to control before you can eat better and therefore be physically healthy.

    I hope you are okay. I think about you a lot. You are awesome the way you always comment on my blogs!!! Smile tonight. :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Omg I hate the passing out! I've done that as long as I can remember just because I'm anemic. Fainting isn't so bad, its' the 'oh i know it's coming omg im going to faint crap crap crap' that just sucks. And the afterward confusion! I'm sorry it happened while you were at work. That's the worst. I hope you feel better!

    ReplyDelete