Thursday, January 20, 2011


im fucking exhausted those lil muncins know as my cousins take alot out of me u have no idea it just seemed like today they took even more out of me and it doesnt help that i was already emotionally drained from the nite b4

but yeah i had them from about 10-3pm played adn took ccare of them the hole time
love them so much
lets c me and P colored together and wrestled and did some races, i took care of N most of them time i have no idea how many times i walked up and downt the hall holding him or just standing and swaying back and forth he doesn tlike to sit still for to long and then me and B we just generally played everytime i walked outof the room he would come right after me he wanted to b held and walked alot as well event hough he can walk
at one paoint i had p on one side b on the other me in the middle ucdlded up together coloring in coloirng books and n nappingon the floor cutest thing ever

food log for today

*24 oz hot green tea

snacks with kids
*bread crusts-50
*1 chips ahoy chewy cookie-60
*1 ritz cracker-16
*3 jelly beans-12

s(after they left)
*fruit snack-80

*piece of grilled chicken-120
*cup of tuscan style veggies-50
*1/2 cup fried potaotes-100(over estimating a lil)

*liter of water
*mug of orange tea

my exercise was just taking care and playing with the kids all day and then some crunches

i just wanna say soemthing and if ppl tihnk im a btich for it then wahtever i dont give a fuck nemore first i know my emotions are all over the place ih ave my ups and doesn adn inbetweens just like everyone else but ina a wasy im not like everyone else. i cant just get help if i want it cause 1) imnot that kinda person to reach out and b) what makes ppl tink that i havent tried in the past.

i have tried numerious occasions and look were that has gotten me yes im a mess and yes my weigh tis not the most stalbe but it never has been i should of been hospitalized on at least one occasion there are prob more but i wasnt. im not diangosed with nething my docs dont think twice about my weight cause it has always been low they dont know aobu tmy anxiet my panic attacks my depression my insomnia all they care about ism y fucking high cholestorl and blood pressure which no matter what i fucking do i cant get it down

i reach out last summer for help to a bunch of ppl and u know what i got runted down or ignored by all of them iemailed so many therapist telling them what i suffer form and everything and asking for help u know what some didnt even answer me at all just ignored it. some wouldnt help me unless i had insurance so they blew me off and said no insurance no help, one said i had to many issues that i was too messed up for help and one wouldnt help me unless i was hospitalzed first.

so my only way to get help is to get tot hat breaking point werem y body just gives out were it hasnuttin left to get to wind up in the hopstial cause i wont walk in on my won once i get there then ppl will c that im sick that i have a problem then they will want to help but until then im just stuck int his in between palce with all the thoughts ans voices swiraling around in my head making me fucking crazy so fuckign crazy no1 knows how it is in my head just like idk how it is in ur head everyone is differnt everyoens ed is different at different stages at serve or moderate or not sick or idk what the fuck nemore.

oo and my other blog its not just gonna b thinpso its pretty much an outlet for me ihave troulbe expresing my self in worlds so theis will b my creative outlet artisitc way of letting it all out


  1. i totally understand what you mean hun. I'm the same way about pushing myself to the limit. You know you're going there and you know that you're breaking yourself down but have no intention to stop until you get there. I don't know about you but I just don't care. in the mean time just enjoy the fact that there are women out there who want to look just like you but will never have the control to do it ;)

  2. I don't blame you for not reaching out for help--I'm the same way so I can totally understand. It's like our issues with doctors...

    You must be their favourite cousin, you're always doing nice things with the munchkins. :D Idk how you do it.


  3. Honestly, whoever was therapist that told you you were too messed up you should report them to the state and that APA. They are never ever ever allowed to say things like that. A lot of ppl do work with insurance but there are some who hate insurance companies and don't use them. I know you don't want help right now, but if you ever do make sure you look for a PhD and not a LLSW or LLC or MD.

    Anyway. I love coloring and you are so lucky to have those kids in your life.