10/29/10

outfit



my weight is still stuck at 102 lbs ew grossness that needs to change i wanna try and b 100 lbs by next friday its a lil goal hopefully i can make it

i went grocery shopping with my mom again today it just gives me something to do and gets me out of the house. me and my mom get along well sorta idk she acts more lik emy best friedn thena mom so she really doesnt care what i do or enthing she never cared. she was all on my bro the other day cause he turned 21 and shes like no drinking and driving and she was all worried and shit. this coming form the mother who was buying me alochol at 16 she knew i drank at home by myself she knew i went to pary she has known that ive been in a car where ppl have been drinknig fuck ive drank and drove myself not a proud moment but still. i got al il issue with alochol.

but neway went tot he store with her today. she bought me more food even though i only asked for more hot choc and a fruit bowl but she offered to buy me a few more things so i got:
*3 pears
*bag of apples
*ghiradelli hot choc white mocha
*2 boxes v8 soup
*6 pack of airheads
*box of triscuits
*fruit cup(pinapple, grapes, strawberries)

she also got bags of candy for halloween she got the house choc and she got the trick or treaters smarties, tootise roll, dum dums, and mixed bag of twizzlers and jolly ranchers.

no as u now i cant eat the choc so i opened the dum dum and the mixed bag and made myself a lil bag of stuff to keep in my food bin up stairs. thats the lil bag of treats i made for myself.




now im guessing u guys want an explanation for my freak out yesterday. well idk its hard to explain i suffer from depression undiagnosed of course since i aboid doctors like the plaque. and i was doing well for while it was always there just not bad and last nite it got really bad. i was talking tot he boy on the phone and she pretty much accused me of making myself throw up thats y i have been so sick yeah so i throw up buti mnot doing it on purpose the food makes me sick and it starts to come outon its own neway ijust mak eit come out quicker well neway. he told me i was being stupid htat i have to take better care of myself that he knows im not stupid but i cant just eat pretzels cashews and soup which i said that i dont wanna throw up nemore and that stuff doesnt hurt mystomach which then he accused me of shit and then he said that hes had a bad week and that i bettern ot b in one of my moods when he sees me or he will get up and leave. so i gotta b happy and not make him mad and all that shit cuase i dont want him to leavei only c him once a week its so hard. its like ugh last week he didnt even kiss me sohe hasnt kissed me in like 2 weeks like i konw that he is just scared that im sick and i know that he loves me but when he says stuff like that it sets me off and it makes me wanna cry and just disapeasr.

its like was i such a bad person in my previous lives that i deserve this that i deserve this fucking disease that is killing me ijust want my head to shut up for once like fuck well last nite i barely slept i just layed there with my ipod blasting in my ears trying to calm down yeah didnt work i was anxous as all fucking hell i tossed and turend and cried and i even cut for the fist time in god idk almost 2 monnths and then i cut over the same cut mutlipe times today i just wanted it deep and it wouldnt go deep so ugh whatever

food log

food
*airhead-60
*2 dum dums-45
*1 jolly rancher
*1 snack size twizzler
*pinapple-75
*grapes- 85
*triscuits

drinks
*2 and half liters water
*2 bottles of water with crystal light cherry promgrante mix-10

so ima go do my makeup and then pace around my lil room for a whiel try to burn off the cals i ate ugh fucker i shoudlnt of eaten that much im so fat and gross and just ugh ew