Monday, October 11, 2010


so major major major freak out today i completely lost it

i cant do this nemore i cant keep trying to get better when i know that the only way i can get better is if i hit rock bottom first cause that is just how i work

is rock bottom gonna suck yes am i gonna get extrememly sick yes am i gonna hurt the love of my life yes is it worth it no but i have to do it an di hope that everyone understands that this spiral downward is what i have to do.

how can i make other ppl happy if im not happy myself i know that i will never b truley happy and iknow that this disease will always always b with me and i know that there is nuttin i can do about it

but i cant keep going the way thatim going i cant keep trying to get better on my own i cant keep eating close to 1500 calories a day just to freak out and then workout alot and only eat 600 calories the enxt day so its all or nuttin so im diving head first into my ed again i have to try and not let it get completely out of contorl again though cause i will not let the boy c me practically on deaths door again so i have to eat something everyday even if its juts a piece of fruit and ihave to keep drinking my water this time as well.

i know im prob confusing u all but i will try to make sense of it all

c i keep jumping back and forth between trying to get better for the boy and then realizing that i really cant do it the jumping back and forth is in fact making me worse.

my body is rebelling against me in so many ways its crazy my acid reflux my stomach issues just everything its like its yelling at me to just let it take over for a lil for i can hit rock bottom and get the help that i need but cant get cause im not sick enough or that i have to many issues yes a hterapist i emailed said i had to many issues but neway

idk i just totaally lost it today i was sitting in my room after my walk and i just snapped i realized that im a fat ass mother fucker who cant keep going the way that i am. i cant make the boy happy ifim not happy myself

all this food that i have been eating the scale being stuck at 100 is just all wrong its killing me

i know that im sick i know that my heart should b the way it is i know that my stomach got fucked up way to quickly that the constant urge to throw up isnt normal but what am i to do about it.

i just mindlessly eat now cause i think thats what normal ppl do but in all reality i have no idea what normal ppl do so im doing what i think they do i think that they much thru out the day that the make this big meals and eat them all but when i do that i get sick like physcally sick

like today after my dinner that i coudlnt even finish cause my heart started beating so fast that i got so hot that i had to take off some layers that i just put on cause i was cold that i had to lay down and not move for 10 minutes inthe fear that i was acutally gonna throw up my tongue felt swollen i kept constantly swolling thats normal at all

so th eplan is to downward spiral an du might all think thatim crazy for palnning that but hey its just something that is happening the time has come ive been fighting the downward spiral for to long now and ijust cant fight it nemore so ima let it go ima downward spiral ima hit rock bottom an dima get the help that i need then ima try like hell to not relapse i cant keep relasping nemore. if i want the wedding and the kids and everything then i gotta try u know eventually my body is going to just give out and its gonna fail me but lets hope that i get the helpi need first b4 that happens.

i wanna spend the rest of my life with the boy i want to live together and get marrie have a kid or 2 i want to grow old with him i dont want to die young i dont want to hurt nemore

but right now i got to hurt an di have to hurt bad

today was just t he last straw and hello down ward spiral nice to meet u i will b with u for awhile.

at least my freakout didnt involve cutting today ive acutally been doing pretty well with that recently my freak o ut involved spending an hour andhalf trying to find "wasted" online then going tot he library and realizing that its fucking closed for whatever the damn holiday it is today. i own the book its just loaned out to my friend at the moment. after freaking out for that long the lovely J came online and she emailed me her downloaded copy thank god i lov eu so much J ur the best most amzing person ever. so now im reading that and tomm ima go to the library and get the book i like holding a book an dreading from it the internet will do today though

so i guess im done rambling idk idk what i even said or if it makes sense but alli know is im letting it take over and ima hit rock bottom


  1. I can't say i'm not going to worry about you, but i know there's nothing you can do! i totally understand what you mean. try to take care a little though? love ya, always here.

  2. I know what you mean about having to hit rock bottom before you can go up--I'm the same way. It's all or nothing. I can only work in extremes, so I know how you feel. Remember to take time to breathe. XoXoX

  3. oh yeah i know exactly how you feel. hitting rock bottom is really the only way to realize you have to go up, and i know that i'll never really be able to recover until i get there. i'm still a far distance away from rock bottom though, i have a long way to go, but somehow i already know it will happen. it's inevitable.

    just stay strong and try to stay positive!

  4. i know what you are going through. sometimes you do have to go down to come up. just dont get too lost in the downward spiral. xo

  5. Aw, babe. I know that things seem so hard at the moment! They will get better! I promise. You just need to stick it out!

  6. I know how that works, i'm the same. But please try and take care a little. All my love and best wishes, i'm here if you need me hun xox

  7. i think its like we all have to hit rock bottom before we climb back up - its just how we roll. So technically, me being an inpatient now isn't going to work, because i am not at rock bottom, yet they are working towards recovery. I do not want recovery, whilst im still going good. I will only try to get better if im at rock bottom; if i'm not, then recovery is out of the question. Yes, that's how we roll.