10/14/10

so i just disappointed alot of u i just disapointed myself but if had to b done there was no ifs ands or buts about it they food had to come out and i had to make it come out so i did and its gone now and i feel like idk tired and weak my head is pounding and cloudy but i feel better that the food is out

id on tremember how long its been since i last purged which is a good thing since then that means its been awhile yeah well li just broke that. i know i said i wasnt gonna go down that road again but u girls know how it is sometimes that urge is this there and its to much i knew it was gonna happen i was just putting it off but i didnt put it off nemore i purged and i feel better about it.

i wanna do it again and again which is how i nomrally feel but i dont wanna hit rock bottom with bulimia it was never my go to my anorexia has alwasy been my thing and im not gonna get locked up for purging ima get myself locked up for my starving.

u girls can tell me im stupid u can yell at me all u want but really it wont makea difference i will prob purge again not tonite prob not even tomm but it will happen again it always does.

im just sitting here not able to concentrate. my ribs hurt more then they did yesterday. my throat burns and its on fire like bad. my heart is beating fast. im a lil dizzy but not to bad. eyes are blood shot. popped some blood vessesl thank god its not my hole face this time just around my eyes. knuckles are nice and red again just when they were starting to heal o well nuttin i can do about that. but after i did it the scale went down 2 lbs so yay for that but im sure ive gained after a week of binging im a fat ass.

i guess i should tell u how today went. o it started out with a panic attack so i knew from the beginning the day wasnt gonna b good i didn tknow it was gonna end in me purging i thought the razor would come out first but nope that didnt ocme out yet but it will and very shortly too i need a lil bit more of a release.

but i decided that imnot eating bread nemore im done with bread a) it makes u fat 2) it sucks to purge and c) way to many carbs and shit
so im done with bread completely done i dont wanna c it or taste it for a long long time.

went to the grocery store today in the mist of my panic attack i decided tha ti was gonna get ingredients and make my tomato salsa soup. now granted i dont have money but hey thats what credit cards are for.

i went tot he gym first even though my leg has been majorily killing me but i went neway. did 65 min on elly the cascades hill workout burnt 487 cals :) and the movie of the day was new moon score :)

went tot he store after that now that was torture i swear it was national shopping day and everyone was there which made me freak out even more i cant do crowds but i did have my ipod which kept me relativly calm.
so i got the ingredients i needed for my soup.
also got bananas, strawberries adn 3 mangos for i can make smoothies every morning.
of course since i fucke dup in the monring i decided that since i already messed up i will get a muffin got a banana nut one god it tasted good it really did and i didnt feel bad about it either which is werid idk i feel bad about it now cause it really didnt taste good coming up.
i lingered in the organic glutton free section for awhile trying to deicde on what crackers i wanted it srsly took me forever but i eventually did decide. at one point i just endedup pushing my basket with my foot cause it was heavy no granted it wasnt much in there but hey weakling here it was heavy for me.
i also get a premade salad while im there and today didnt change that its still inmy fridge though for tomm or mayb not tomm mayb saturday instead(once i purge i nomrally dont eat the next day or 2 days but i do have to eat dinner tomm damn date nite ugh)
and sincei keep seeing the damn commerical for those mouse jello things and i like to torture myself i gotn myself some the choc mint ones and yes i tired one yes they are good and yes it kills my stomach.

i spent a good 2 hours making my soup by the time i got it all prepared and chopped and measured and cooked and then cooled and put away it was about 2 hours.
and srsly i can live off of that stuff so now im set for a lil while the soup hurts like hell cause its very acidic but id rather take the pain for that then from dairy

i rly dont know what im ding right now im just sitting here got manvfood on so i guess in watching that mayb i will read or soemtihng idk i cant concentrate at all

so who watched that new show on e last nite "what eats you" i turend it off after 15 min i coudlnt take it nemore it was pissing me off. but if u guys watched it i woudl love ur opinons on it. is it just me that pissed off it just seemed so fact and scripted itj ust didnt seem real. but let meknow what u guys think