last nite

so last nite we went to our old high school football game. it was so cold i mean really cold like 30 degrees and windy cold. an dim always cold to 2 began with so i was extra cold and i wasall bundled up as well but my the end of the game i coudlnt feel my legs or my feet at all. we were sitting outside from 6pm-10pm 4 hours of coldness. i went tot he bathroom at halftime and i coudlnt gert my fingers to work my belt and there was a line i guess ppl were talking cause when i came out the lady be hind went shut up we are girls we are allowed to take longer so i guess she was standing up for me.

but i got a few lectures last nite yup lecture time. he had a back week and it gets taken out on me which is fine if he wants to take it out on me im fine with it ijust sat there and jsut nooded my head shut myself off.

i almost passed out which didnt help the situation at all. it was right b4 i had to go pick him up. i got so hot like sweating hot and it was like in the 40's then so its not sweating weater but i was hot i was sweating so shaky like i coudlnt even stand it was so bad adn then my head and my heart it was scary i hate passing out. i didnt have time to do nething cause i had to go get him so ijust tooke a sip of water and packed some pretzels that i woiuld eat on the way there. i put the windo down and just let the cold air hit me it didnt help but when i got him and he got in the drivers seat(we takem y car everywhere) i grabbed my pretezels and started breaking them up an dmunching on them.

now that kinda tipped him off he knows i dont eat unless i have to hes like u hungry im like now ima pass out. hes like what thats not good for u for ur blood pressure ur blood pressure and especially ur heart. im like im sorry hes like did u eat today im like yeah i had pretzels he didnt liek that answer. im like i knwo i can keep pretzels down they are good on my stomach and i didnt wanna b sick on u and he understood that but said i had to start taking care of myself more.

then he asked the alst time ithrew up was which was wednesday hes like y are u thrwoing up all of a sudden r u throwing up cause ur not eating im like no im throwin gup cause i am eating and it makes me not want to eat even more. i toldhim all the stuff im thrwoing up is dairy or things with dairy in it. hes like so that just got wrose no more dairy for u.

and hes right the dairy thing did get bad and i wasnt lieing when i said i dont want to eat cause i really dont want to i hate being sick all the tiem i hate not kwnoing if iwhat ima eat is gonna come right back up in a matter of minutes its horrid.

the one thing he did say was that all my years of not eating is finally catching up to me. that over the past year my health has declined to so much that ih ave to take better care of myself.

the thing is idk how to take better care of myself idk how to leave with outthis ed so its so hard for me. and its not lie i can get help i dont have a job to pay for it or insurance. no therapist will help me cause im either to fucked up or i wont admit myself. im not sickenough for help i dont meet all the requirments for it. so i iwll just keep doing what im doing and hope it doesnt kill me b4 i get the help i need.

well so yesterday i ate pretzles(idk how many but i had a plate of them at lunch and then a sandwhich bag of them them when i almost passed out)
then for dinner since we didnt leave the game til late we just stopped at burger king he got me a side salad and medium fry. it took me so long to eat it cause i was scared it was gonna make me sick and it was starting to. he ketp asking if i was ok that i dont have to eat it if it was making me sick but i wanted him to not b mad at me so i ate it. i pulled off as much of the cheese as i could off the salad but there was still some left so that didnt help at all. well i ate almost the hole salad its just a lil thing i love it but i left a few bites cause thats just how i am an di did eat the fries.

i felt so bad afterwards but i didnt wan thim to c me puke so i managed to keep it in. i just layed there cureld up in a ball under the covers and just curled up with him while he held me and kept asking if i was ok. i did eventaully fall asleep but he kept waking me up to make sure i was ok i guess i was still sahking and stuff in my sleep.
i coiudlnt sleep after he left so i had a banana that is threatenign to come up with the food form last nite an di got a huge mug of decaf black chai tea in front of me.
its freezing out right now but its suppose to warm up like almost 70's so i might wash my car today get one last good wash in b4 its really to cold to do it.

iw ill prob update later on how my day went
and ima make a tab now for my recipes for u guys can c them. i only got 2 right now but hey its something and they are both soup so i will do that now
love u all

bellana-ha sure u can have my legs if u really want them and thank u for everything ur always there for me

skinny_el-thanx hunny

acka11- i know ur righthtere i would rather vomit then b dizzy

ana- i know right u are right there i did burn cals and didnt pass out so good thing it jus wasnt the workout im use to

anorexicmedic-yeah do sii out no money no job no insurance so no doc im just to the pain and everything but thanx hun

mich-yeah it sucks the alwasy recal the stuff that works best and then su ppl who really need it cant get it and then ahve to suffer well im glad im not the only one who gets them but ims orry u get themt oo