9/18/10

so guess whos heart freaked her the fuck out this morning and woke her up at 3:30 am o yeah mine of course cause what other 24 year ol has heart issues like that gotta love side effect of eating disorders lovely.

well neway back to my heart well i woke up at 3:30 in the morning which really is normal for me i always wake up mulitple times thru out the nite but this time was differnt i felt off and funny and weird and my heart was just like pounding in my ears it wasnt going like insanley fast though but if i layed on my side and and curle up i could feel it like acutally feel it poudning out of my chest no i wasnt going to pass out it wasnt one of those kinds of weird heart things i acutally though that my heart was going to stop it was so scary u dont know how scary it is until u deal with it urself. the boy was still sleeping and i didnt want to wake him up he worries about me enough he did get up a few minutes later to use the bathroom but i still didnt say nething hes used to me being up all hours of the nite i just layed there and i tried to sleep which happend without avail casue i coudlnt sleep when its like that and i know when it gets like that that i have to eat sometihng but i didnt want to not one hes there if he sees me eating in the middle of the nite he will know something is really wrong so ijust layed there and willed it not to stop.

he got up for good at 5:30am and i took him home he always goes home aruond that time for he can go back to sleep for a few more hours once i got home from taking him home i was still really off so i grabbed the first thing out of my fridge which happened to the box of leftovers from our dinner teh nite b4. so i ended up eatin 4 potato skins from tgi fridays and yes i ate them cold casue i really coudlnt walk back down the stairs to heat then back up i though they would help so i layed backed down and tried to get a few more hours of sleep needless to say that didnt happen cause my heart didnt get better at all it was still really bothering adn i still fel t like it was gonna stop so i layed there and wathced married with children on tbs adn then i watche dsome music videos i finally got out of bed at 7am and managed to walk downstairs and grab the box of bran flakes(mom bought more) and 1 cookie. i sat ther and ate my 1 cookie and had some dry bran flakes out of the box eventually after that and some water i started to feel a shit load better i codulnt feel it beating in my ears or out of my chest thank fucking god.

after that i really freaked the fuck out about all the cals i just ate like freaked out really bad extermely bad i endedup takine 4 biotin pills and then 4 b12 pills adn then of course my 2 gummy vitamins.

so i decided that i wasnt gonna purge my food back up i was gonna b good and i was gonna keep it in me but go to the gym adn just exercise my fat ass off so thats what i did and my leg is killing me so much. c im not suppose to b running on my leg my knee never healed right after surgry i can ride a bike i can walk i can even do teh elliptical but i can not run on it running it just gives me the worse pain in it ever like its horrid but i deal with it and i run from time to time. i have a brace that i wear everytime i woke out doctor issued one and its suppose to keep my knee cap in place for it doesn got back out but it doesnt wokr all the time and it does slip out of place and i do have to keep cracking it till i can get it to pop back in. today i decided that i was in need of a serious run so i ran 2 differnt times the first time it only hurt for the first 15 min of my 3o min run and then i was ok but then the second time it hurt the hole 40 minutes i was running. i swear that all the ligaments muscles and tendons were going to tear and give out on me and my knee was grinding so bad i dont have cartildge sorry if thats graphic but hey its what i go thru the pain was bad but i just sucked it up and ijust kept running and running and running cause i had to. i also did 65 min on elly in between the 2 runs all together i ended up burnind 1056 cals. i hope that was enough to burn off my heart fuck up this morning.

oo and i know some ppl totally think that the cal count u get on those machines are wrong and i know some ppl think they are off by like 200 cals but i dont agree i dont agree at all manly because i paid attenttion today. c i wenton to caloriesperhour.com and looked up how many cals i would burn running a mile in 11 and 1/2 minutes and they said it would burn 92 cals. i usually run a mile around 11 and 1/2 minutes and 12 minutes. well today on the treadmill i ran a mile in a lil under 12 minutes and it burned 85 cals. so if u think about it the machines arent that far off mayb by like a cals or 2 but not by 200 like some ppl think.

so date nite with the boy went good acutally really good we went to tgi friday we ahven tbeen there in a while so we deicded to go there. i was looking at the salads but he steered me away from them and to the chicken and pasta part of the menu he hasnt done that in while hes been letting me pick out my own food but whatever mayb the scale is fucking with me and im alot smaller then it says and hes noticing but i will make him happy and not order a salad. i ended up ordering this new dish that they have its called dragonfire chicken and next to it it said low fat and right portion. there when they say rigth portion they mean about 500 cals. the meal was a piece of grilled chicken with kung pu sauce on top on a bed or rice with a side of broccolli and picd de gayo and 2 manadrin oranges slices on top. i looked up the cals this morning 437 cals an di ate half so my meal was 218.5 cals i have the other half in my frigde for later today. and the food was acutally really good i really liked that meal normally theres something i dont like about something but i really liked that :). he also had me eat 2 potato skins like i had to he said i had to have 2 soi was the good gf and ate 2 of them. sometimes i get dessert and sometimes i dont i wasnt planning on getting dessert but i wanted to make him really happy and get something so i got this brownie obsession its a warm browniw tiopped with ice cream shaved choc caramle sauce and nuts i told the guy i didnt want the caramel or the nuts so he said he sould put choc sauce on it for me instead. i ate it all cause im fat like that and im one of those ppl who woul drather eat dessert then actual food. the brownie was warm too so that just made it better. i was acutally ok with it i didnt freak out well i did a lil but not as bad as i nomrally do i think i was ok withit cuse i worked out that morning and i follwed vegan all day up till then. i looked up the dessert this morning 960 cals thats crazy for dessert just insane but i didn treally freak out about it it made him happy so happy

my acid refulx didnt like me at all but its a price to pay to make the boy happy i told him that i wasn going to eat ne chicken or ne dessert during the week and jsut eat it with him on fridays adn he was ok with that so i can do vegan during th eweek and then eat good with himon fridays then work out like crazy on saturdays and then if we have left overs (he alwasy makes me take them home for i have food to eat) then i will eat that on saturdays as well.

so i think that i got my life figure out well not my life but my eating sorta figured out my head is still a mess and it will alwasy b a mess i just accepted that im still going to do therapythough when my time comes and im off the waiting list.

i still havent heard nething back frommy job interview yet she said she would call me at the end of the week or the beginng of the next so hopefully i willl hear something soon she said she would call either way yes or no she would let me know.

im sitting here making my shopping list for tomm. he wouldnt let me pay for dinner like i expected he did let me leave the tip at least i feel bad that hes paying for evertyhing but iguess i willj sut have to deal with it once i get a job he will let me pay again. so i figured tomm i would go to the gym and then go grocery shopping and but some gas in my car. this is what i got so far

*cantaloupe
*romaine hearts lettuce
*1 cucumber
*pears

i want to try and find some vegan hot choc i love hot choc and i know there is vegan hot choc out there somewhere and im thinkng about getting some sandwhich toppers hot peppers for my salads. i will prob walk around the store alil and just browse c if nehting cathces my eyes

im trying to deicded what im going to do all day my aunt and uncle are having a get together at their house today just like a family get together game nite kind of thing im trying to decide if i want to go for alil just to get out of the house the only problem is the roud that i always take to get to their house is closed today for osme stupid fishing thing and ne other way to get there

food log so far:

my fuckup
*4 potato skins
*dry bran flakes
*1 cookie

drinks
* lil more then 2 liters of water

exercise
*35min tready 30 min running at .5 incline and a speed between 5-6mph(i kept changing it everyonce in awhile) 5 min walking(cooldown)- 245 cals burned
*65 min elly level 6 manual no hill- 479 cals burned
*45 min tready 40 mins running incline .5-1.0(i started out at .5 then i moved it up to 1.0 for the rest of the run) speed 5-6mph(kept changing it again) 5 min walkine(cooldown)- 332 cals burned

total cals burned-1056

idk what ima eat the rest of the day i have th other half of my meal from last nite soi will prob just have that
and i will drink alot of water and tea cause my pee is bright yellp regardless of all the water i already drank today
loveu all stay strong